Incidents in the life of.....

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A swift kick in the ass

The past two and half years have been hellacious. I hate law school. I'm pretty sure it's not where I attend school, but the process of law school. It stresses me to the max and leaves me with bouts of depression. I've lost a large amount of my faith in the justice system (I didn't start with much). Because of this, I've lost my desire to practice, which leaves me trying to figure out what the hell to do with the rest of my life. I think I want to write the laws. It seems so much better to write them than to defend or repudiate them. However, I am worried that I have too much fight in me to push paper. I keep telling myself that there is a need for education and immigration reform and I would be love being a part of the team to actually reform the systems. Also, talk of drones gets me going. I love it! So, perhaps I would like working with Homeland Security. BUT I DON'T KNOW. I FEEL LOST! I tell everyone that even if I did practice, I would never practice criminal law, but frankly, nothing else excites me. I have thoroughly enjoyed my Trial Advocacy class and my Pre-Trial Criminal Law boot camp. I loved it. I rocked it. I kicked ass and took names. One of my friends approached me and said, "Word on the street is no one wants to argue against you!" Talk about an ego-boost. So, maybe, just maybe, I'm running from my calling. So, aside from the fun (though I know it is not a game. People's lives are at stake in the real world) I had in my practical courses, I don't want to take the bar. I don't want to practice, so why? Right? Right. (Keep telling yourself that, Nicole.) Did I mention the bar terrifies me? No? I could have sworn I did. Finally, I admit it. I'm scared shitless. My biggest fear has always been failure, hence not applying for law school until I was 27. So, here comes the Bar Exam, looming over my head, forcing me to face the possibility of failure again, just when I have finally learned to float in the hell hole called law school. (I'm definitely not swimming.) What if I can't pass? What if I spend thousands of dollars on bar prep and still don't pass. Worse, what if I fail the character and fitness? Terrified. So, yesterday, I got a call from my mentor. TW: I need your help. Nik: Yes, ma'am? TW: Don't ma'am me. That's your way of saying you don't like me. Nik: No! I'm a southerner. That's what we do. I love you. TW: Yeah, oh kay. Nik: (smiling) ok, I remember. I won't ma'am you. TW: Do you know Gary Tyler? Nik: No. I've never heard of him. TW: That's the problem with law schools. They spend all this time teaching you textbook and you know nothing about what is going on in your jurisdiction. This man is in your backyard. Do you where Destrahan is? Nik: Yes. TW: Where is it? Nik: It's south of me. TW: How far? Nik: About 30 minutes, depending on traffic. TW: Well, look up Gary Tyler. Call me back with someone I can contact to help him. And find out how much Louisiana pays people who are wrongfully convicted. Goodbye. Nik: WAIT! (sighs bc I realize it's pointless) Goodbye. I called her back today with the name and number of a judge who did death penalty work before being appointed to the bench and who has also overturned death penalty verdicts. I also gave her the number of one of my professors. Needless to say, it wasn't good enough. She wanted someone black (and perhaps male as well). Because what I gave her wasn't enough, she needs to know when I am taking the bar. I told her February to buy me some time. She's 70 years old, far from stupid and saw right through it! (That's why I love her.) She went off. She said, "This isn't about you. Who cares if you like it or not? Who cares? This isn't about you. This is about Elizabeth. This is about your mother who is raising Elizabeth. This is about me. I should have hung up on you the first time I talked to you." I interrupted and said, "You did!" She continued her rant. "I should have hung up on you when you called me back. I should have had you killed you the first time I saw you in that hotel in Atlanta. You don't listen to anything I say. You are going to listen today. You are taking the July bar, not February. I will have D'Wayne call you. The Texas bar is easy. You will take it and you will not fail it." I mumbled a yes ma'am. Perhaps I don't want to practice. The jury is still out. Eleven say don't practice, but there's that stubborn one. So, in case that one sways the other 11 later in life, I will get barred. And I need to save myself from TW! She never lets me make it! She's right this time, like all the other times. This isn't about me. Packing up and leaving my comfy job was never about me. It was always about Elizabeth. Texas Bar in July it is. :)

Posted by Nik :: 2/13/2013 :: 0 Comments: