Sunday, June 26, 2011

Countdown to 30

For the past, say 4 months, I have been anxious about my 29th birthday. Reason one: Last year, I decided never to go another year without celebrating my birthday. Two: I knew I was coming back to Texas. Most importantly, I'm closer to 30!!! So, for the next 365 days, I'll post one thing for which I am grateful. If I build the gall, I'll post my Thirty while 30 list after this.

365 days: It's Father's Day, so I'm grateful for the men in my life and all they've done to shape me. TC for teaching me to ride a bike, Daddy for showing me at 15 that I really can talk to him about anything, my other Daddy for that look he gets when we talk about law school that silently says he's proud of me, Uncle Joseph and Red for looking out for me financially while at Tougaloo, Uncle Timmy for making sure I never went hungry, never fell victim to one of his friends, and getting my first job while at Tougaloo, Mac for truly being my brother from another mother, Morrie for his honesty and acceptance, Travis for teaching me that I was not ready to be a Mom, Brandon for letting me know how it feels to love and be loved, Stephen for my constant pursuit of happiness, Yancy for the flowers, Kerry for showing me the signs, Marcus for showing me the game in its rawest form, and Thomas Prince for giving me the greatest joy this world has to offer. I love each of you dearly.

364 days: As I sit in this desolate airport preparing for my trip home, I am grateful for my friends and the success they have found throughout the South: Birmingham, Atlanta, Dallas, Jackson, Mobile, Houston, New Orleans, PASCAGOULA! I'm grateful that they can rejoice with me without being envious, admonish me without being judgmental, lament without feeling sorry, forgive without holding grudges, laugh with and at me. I am grateful for those who have traveled with me from Mississippi to Texas to Louisiana, for their faith in me as a student and teacher, for the nights I've spent in their beds and on their couches, for the random road trips, for the birthday and shower gifts, for letting me cry on their shoulders and phone lines, for the pep talks when I wanted to quit law school, for being just as happy as I was about keeping my scholarship, for the moments I realize they were right and I was (semi) wrong. I am grateful for bonds that continue to grow despite distance and time. Thank you for loving and supporting me unconditionally. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful FRIENDS!

363 days: Today I'm grateful for finishing that first year of law school. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I don't think I'd ever had so little faith in self. I'd never cried about school the way I did this year. I'd never depended on others to help keep me focused. I'd never been happy about so many Bs. I'd never had a report card with NO As. I'd never stayed up 24 hours studying. I'd never drank so many energy drinks. I'd never spent the night in the school lobby. It was hard, in every way imaginable. Yet, I made it. Not only did I make it, I conquered it. I lost a few battles, but I definitely won the war. I kicked @$$. And yes, I'm patting myself on the back, tooting my own horn, and walking with my nose in the air. I deserve it. I thank God for the opportunity. I thank Him for Ash giving me money towards my LSAT prep class, for allowing Dwayne to encourage me, for Mrs. Williams having me in tears for missing the CLEO deadline, for Mrs. Williams's constant e-mails, for my scholarship, for my mom, sister, granny, and Aunt Carla keeping my woman when I couldn't, for Meka talking to me that day I broke down and barely made it to class, for Keysh asking me too many times how was school (even though the answer was always 'I HATE IT!'), for Lissa constantly reminding me about OUR lawyer money, for my Pastor and his explanation of fasting, my Daddy for that $2,000 for my tuition, for other Daddy making me call a shrink (It didn't help, but I didn't have the heart to tell him.), for Dean Netherton pissing me off and forcing me to say I have no other option but to succeed, for Dr. Matambanazdo telling me there is a balance and everyone goes through this, for Polyester front for always Zgiving us a good laugh, for my study partners (Rachel, Editha, Kesha, Anthony, and Brian), for Olivia getting Friedman's book for me, for the random attorney who told me shake that shit off and its supposed to be hard and to get over it, for Prof. Friedman for being the best law professor ever and pushing me even when I didn't think there was much left, for Prof. Hancock's bathtub analogy, and finally, for Shawna and Amanda for walking with me every step of the way, listening to me complain about life and school, laughing at my crazy perspectives on the plight of the race and politics and New Orleans, for keeping me on track when I really wanted to be on Facebook, for trading outlines and notes, for helping me find the free food, for letting me have my moment after the computer fiasco that had me thinking I was gonna have to take Civ Pro over, and for just being my rocks. I am grateful for every blessing that has been bestowed upon me.

362 Days: Since we just finished our family meeting, I'm grateful for those who were with me day in and day out as I grew up. Thanks for the unconditional love, constant laughs, brutal arguments, and kept secrets. I am who I am, good and bad, because of your influence. I remember sitting in Ma's favorite Chinese restaurant with Morrie and reflecting on childhood. I realized that we were not as well off as I thought, but we were better than a lot of people. The only thing I remember wanting and not getting is a Sazuki moped! That says a lot. I'm grateful for a happy childhood and sharing it with you guys. I'm grateful for memories like 5 for $5 Whoppers, boiled water, knowing I had at least four Christmas gifts, lipstick on the mirror, Sunday meetings, family bike rides, growing up in a house rather than an apartment, being scared to sit in the living room, and getting excited about the Swan man. I have more to say, but I have special days I am going to devote to each of you. MUAH

361 days: Today, I am grateful for all of the experiences in which I have taken the high road. It's nice feeling like I'm the bigger person. However, I'm grateful for all the laughs I got for being the smarter person. Tonight, I'm gonna try to combine those two and reach a happy medium. I'm not gonna use my intellect to make anyone cry, but I'm not big enough to let it pass. I'm grateful for self composure in the worst of times. I'm a work in progress.

360 days: Today, I am grateful for Mister (even though he's tripping right now!). I'm thankful because he reminded me of what it felt like to reeealllllllyyy like someone, the kind of like that has no regard for socioeconomic status, outer beauty, or the past, the kind that is formed over hour long conversations and good meals, the kind that makes you fall asleep on the phone (you hang up, no you hang up, on three we hang up), the kind of like that has you sending good morning texts. It's what I had been missing for about two years. I'm thankful for every "good luck" and each "how do you think you did." I'm grateful for his ability to hold intelligent conversation about any subject. I'm grateful for someone with whom to discuss and argue the case book, aside from those sitting in class. I appreciate (though I didn't expect anything less) the "how is Lizzie" and "you talk to Lizzie today" and the "what's going on with Vee." Genuine concern for those I care about is a rarity. It's easy to feign concern to keep someone in your corner; actually wanting to know and praying/hoping for the best are totally different. I'm grateful for his ability (though not the harshness) to say, No, Ash, you're wrong and I'm gonna always tell your when you when you're wrong, yet in the same breath say he's on my side. I recognize that he's not perfect and this was/is only for a season, but I'm bidding my time until that last leaf falls.


359 Days: As death stares me in the face, I'm grateful for life and having five strong living generations of family. (Sorry, it's too many of ya'll to tag for this one!) I'm also grateful for brief moments of blissful ignorance. I kinda wish I could grab hold of one of those moments now.

358 Days: I had my heart broken into a million tiny peices by a selfish bastard. Oops, let me try this again. My heart was broken by a man I had no idea capable. At one point we were good, great actually. There was nothing we couldn't talk about, no pain he felt that I didn't share, no joyous occasions that my heart didn't celebrate with him. No arguing. No fussing. No fighting. Good, wholesome debate. I have so many good memories: one involving my car and a tag (that was the first assertion of boldness), one involving a gun (I would've never let him use it, but I was grateful he wanted to), dinner at Pappadeaux, text messages trying to outwit each other (those came back to bite him in the ass, CRAWFISH (!!!!), missing panties, going to sleep on his chest and waking up in the exact same spot, passionate kisses and tight hugs, the look in his eyes when he talked about the loss of his child, his promise to vote for Obama, the shock on his face that day I announced in a large crown that I didn't sleep him the night before, his desire to break into the music world, the many days I went over and all he had were noodles and frozen pizza, the day his roommate walked in on us, the night I found his keys, picking him up from the airport, the day he let me smoke, the countless times we broke his bed, laughing at DWayne's lies.
Though these memories are quite "delightful," they are overshadowed by the day he left my stranded. I would have never done to him what he did to me. I thought we were so much better than that. Apparently not. I have yet to forgive him for the pain he caused. Nor have I figured out to deal with it. However, he had to leave because honestly, I never would have. I was happy. I had reasons to let him go, but none compelling enough for me to actually do it. So in all actuality, he did me a favor.
For the past few years, I have been trying to find all the pieces he scattered into the wind. Some I have recovered; some I haven't. This morning, I decided to surrender those to the wind and connect the peices I have already gathered. For that I am grateful. Get well soon, Heart. I'll be waiting.
357 days: Today I am grateful for a praying grandma. I saw some interesting people today. My grandma prayed and praised and prayed. We left my grandma's house and went to the hospital. She prayed some more. It reminded me of those times when we were little and she'd line us up along the bed and we had to pray (for hours). I'm grateful that somebody (ie Cora Lee) prayed for me.
356 days: I missed it. Sorry!

355 days: Today I am grateful for my woman. (Dag, I miss her!) I'm grateful for her showing me that it's possible to love someone you've never met, grateful for the kisses on the lips, and I love you Mommy's. I'm grateful for her beautiful face and brilliant mind. I miss the 'Mommy, I want you' even though I'm right in her face. I miss her spelling her name 'Eli Zab Eth Elizabeth.' I'm grateful for her being my motivation. Had I never met her, I'd probably still be teaching. Had I never met her, I wouldn't know love that requires nothing but my presence. I reaaaalllllyyy miss my woman. I'm grateful God gave her to me. I don't know what I did to deserve such a blessing of such magnitude.

354 days: Today was the last day of my first legal job. It was a rewarding experience like no other. I am grateful for a woman of her status taking a chance on me, a perfect stranger with a less than desirable gpa. I appreciate all of the explanations, patience, and introductions. I am grateful for her paralegal taking the time to teach me the basics and reminding me that I don't have to be perfect. I am so grateful for whatever it is that they see in me.

353 days: Today we buried my grandmother's husband. (My grandfather died many moons ago.) I am convinced he loved my grandmother and her family. In his honor, I am grateful for all of the men and women in my family who are helping raise children who are not theirs. Thank you for recognizing and accepting the package deal. I'm waiting on him who accepts me and my perfect package.

352 days: Today, I am grateful for being able to attend Essence. The freebies were an added bonus. I got to see a showman, Kanye West, perform and it was jaw dropping. Never have I seen someone enjoy his calling so much. I pray that I am as in love with my career as he appears to be with his.

351 days: Today I am grateful for the small step I took for Motherhood! You gals would be proud. :).

350 days: Today, I'm grateful for meeting family members on my dad's side of the family. Honestly, once I get past my first cousins, it's a struggle identifying people. Today's barbecue softened the struggle a little. I can't dwell on the past, but I pray our futures are closely intertwined. It was a pleasure.

349 days: Today I'm grateful for people in high places. I'm feeling almost invincible!

348 days: Today I'm grateful for Redbox! Best idea ever!

347 days: Today I'm grateful for strong matriarchal lineage. I love each of you from Mama Liza to Londyn. You have showed me that it's possible to work/ go to school and raise my child(ren), to have a man that truly loves me unconditionally, get by on a hope and prayer, and to be comfortable in my own skin. From you I have learned to pray fervently, forgive when it hurts, and accept ugly truths. Londyn reminds me that women really are the strength of this family. She's the smaller of the two, yet she's the one who got to leave with her Mommy. It is a sheer pleasure to share genealogy with such a beautiful group of women.

346 days: I missed it.

345 days: Today, I'm grateful for the little money I do have. I'm grateful for having friends that I'd be willing to spend my last in order to offer some minimal amount of support. I love you chick. The best I have is my presence.

344 days: Today I'm grateful that it's not my turn to carry this cross. I don't know if I could.

343 days: Today I'm grateful for some resemblance of normalcy. I'm grateful for my bestie's stregnth. I'm grateful for her intellect, passion, faith, ambition, candor, and ability to write. I'm grateful that God reveals things in due time. I'm grateful for having someone with whom I can travel physically, emotionally, and mentally.

343 days: Today I'm grateful for my middle brother and his family. I walked in the house this morning and Morrie was teaching two-year old Junior how to write his name. Priceless. When Aubree brought Kayden and Michael home, they had so much to share about their day. I'm grateful for artculate children who know are still children. I'm grateful for Aubree holding it down.
::I'm gonna fill in the days as best I can tomorrow.::

Today I'm grateful for my parents' grandchildren. I'm grateful that Sani has read the entire Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, that Maya is the most precocious kid I know, that Michael plays select baseball, that Mimi is extra-excitable and dramatic, that Madi's hair is longer than Texas, that Kayden can tell you what happened in Charlotte's Web, the book version, that Caleb knows he's the man, that Jr. always has a smile and a toy for TeeTee (Ms.) Ashley, that Lizzie recognizes 'hi' in the word children, and that we finally got to meet Malichi. I'm grateful that those middle girls are two weeks apart. They have a special relationship that is beautiful to watch as it matures. No matter how long it has been since they've seen each other, they play like it's been 20 seconds. It'll be interesting to watch Maya as she grows up. She's clearly the smartest person in her grade and one of the best softball players in the state (not exaggerating, check her out), but she has a hood side to her that I imagine was semi-inevitable. I don't know what to say about Caleb and Lizzie. If they could be joined at the hip they would. They're a cross between Ike and Tina and master and minion, each taking turns on the role he or she wants to play. Overall, I'm just glad to call them ours. My siblings and I are raising some beautiful children, despite all of the obstacles we face in parenthood.

Today, I am grateful for being able to take my baby swimming and to the park and to play at Chick-fil-A and to the movies. I'm grateful that I know the importance of education and have patience and knowledge to teach her. I'm grateful for being willing to sleep on a pallet bc she wants to sleep in the living room. I'm grateful for motherhood.

I made Jell-O for the first time today. Peach. As I tasted it, I couldn't help but think of my great-great grandma and that big silver bowl she made Jell-O in. I remember my grandma making jell-o, drinking coffee, letting me lick the bowl after she made a cake, and eating Thousand Island and cottage cheese.I'm grateful for being Lisa and Ashla, for being hit across the back with a broom, for watching Grimlins with my cousins, for tying rubberbands on panties that were too big, and for my memories. I am truly blessed to have known and loved and be loved by my great-great grandma. I love you, Mama Liza. May my Liza live to be as loving and loved as you.

Today, I'm grateful for the Word and relaxation.

Today, I'm grateful for good conversation. I had a two-hour conversation with another female about stuff that matters. I ignored four calls, at least two of them important, for that convo! Such a rarity!

Today, I am grateful for not taking simple things seriously. I'm glad that i form my own opinions of people. I'm thankful for the clarity that comes from 29 years of living.

As school approaches, I'm grateful that her hair is braided and Jalisa told me to iron our clothes for the week. Our mornings will be so simple now.

Today, I am grateful for the judge, her clerks, and secretary. Lunch was great, and I gained valuable insight for my political future. The first thing you need to do once you decide to run for office is clean up your mess. Hire somebody to dig up the dirt. There are things out there that you won't even know about. Clean it up.

Today, I am grateful for Judge's faith in my ability. God just keeps showing me favor. Judge has been asking me if could work during the fall since the first week I started. (Nevermind there was another summer clerk.) I've been telling I'm not sure just as long. It wasn't that I didn't want to, for this has been an invaluable experience (not to mention resume booster!). My hesistation was due to my woman being in NOLA this year. I really (mentally) struggled last year, and barely kept my scholarship. I wasn't sure I could commit to working for her, being a student, and making sure I put in quality time with me woman. Judge is amazing and has so much faith in Ashley Nicole. Today was supposed to be my last day, so she said, "You can just work from home. Log your hours, and bring your time sheet to me. I trust you." If that's not favor, I don't know what is. Thank you, Father!

Today is the last Saturday before school starts. YIKES!!! I'm ready. I've been dreading Monday since May 2nd. (Yes, law school is just that bad!) However, I'm excited. I'm excited that my woman's here. She will be motivation to see more of the city. Perhaps I will learn to like it. I'm grateful for BLSA, esp. the E-Board. I'm excited about the incoming 1Ls. I'm excited about pro-bono work. Hopefully, I can do my hours with Entertainment Law Society. My goals for the year are to get a 3.5 and to secure a job with Congress next summer. We'll see. Basically, I'm grateful for good spirits about school.

Today, I'm grateful for Elizabeth's taste of New Orleans. I DO NOT LIKE THIS CITY, but I admit, there are lots of nice things for my woman to do (temporarily). Yesterday, the Hornets had Family and Friends Day, which she thoroughly enjoyed. We've been to Chuck-E-Cheese's countless times. The park here is the absolute best park I have ever seen. She can slide, swing, hang glide, and climb the monkey bars. She can feed the ducks and swans and end it all by chasing the chickens. She got a see a zephyr, which is the only thing of which I know with orange teeth. The pond/lake/whatever it is has an abundance of turtles, which she is infatuated with. The weather is warm enough for us to go swimming about half of the year. She gets to ride on street cars into the French Quarter. How cool is that for a two-year old? Then there are the zoo and aquarium, which I cannot wait to take her to. She (we) is going to love these next two years in the Crescent City. NOLA, I am ready to embrace you. :)

Sept 2: Today I'm grateful for the BLSA e-board. I love you guys for the role you play. At TLS, but also for the way in which we interact. Yes, Brian, I'm finished @#*+?ing, but you know I'll have something to say later! We wouldn't be without our banter. Amanda, you're doing fine. We need that bossy personality. Jalisa, how old are you again? Thanks for always lightening the mood. Anthony, if you tell my woman that mess again, BLSA gonna need 2 new officers. :). Kidding. My girl's got a crush on you. Thank you for Dope and what it means.

Sept 3: Tropical storm Lee is wreaking havoc on my city. Today I'm grateful for a mom who cares enough to call twice to tell me to come home. My womfan and I were prepared to fight through this. We had water, nonperishables, candles, flashlights, and batteries. Ma, it's only wind and water. It's not even strong wind. Dad, I don't live in NOLA. My car isn't gonna flood over here. Ma pulled the trump card! 'I miss my baby. Ask her if she wants to come see Nana.' :) Of course she does; I'm sick of hearing about going to Mississippi. With that, we packed and got on the road. Lee will not have us trapped in that apartment with a flooded car. Thanks Ma. Muah!

Sept 4: Today, I am grateful for Mrs. Joycelyn. We had a great, maybe great's not the word, a much needed talk tonight. She's gonna regret it when she has to get up to catch that flight! For a long time, I've been saying that I'm praying about a particular situation and how I feel in my heart and what I let come out of my mouth. Well, today, after about a two hour semi-lecture, I finally have come to grips that I have to let it go. I've known this all along, but sometimes it takes someone else to put it into perspective. At some point, we really have to look at situations from all angles. Leaning your head towards a person doesn't give you his or her perspective. You have move to his/her position to see what he or she sees. Then only can you begin to understand. I say begin that's all you can do. A person's upbringing, hurdles, fears, successes, comforts, and failures shape that image into what it is for him/her. I can't make people see it my way. I have to accept them for who they are and respect from where they've come. With that, I'm not releasing this person, I'm releasing what I feel for her. I know you'll see this, so for the first time in a long time, I truly mean it when I say, Blessed be. We will be OKAY.
Posted by Nik :: 6/26/2011 :: 0 Comments:

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