Incidents in the life of.....
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
God is so good! I got an unexpected check today for $1,000! Thank you, God. I decided to use to use that to finish paying my tuition off. (Originally, I decided to use income tax for that, but when I got that check, I didn't need to.) So I log on to the net to make the FINAL payment they will be getting from me bc I am not going back after this semester. Well, upon my arrival, I noticed a $700 scholarship posted to my account! Thank you, God. So, now my tuition is $300 and I have the extra money from this check and my taxes. Then I get to my night job and my boss tells me to complete a form so that I can get paid for all the overtime that I have done since August! Thank you, God! So, now I have all this money coming in. Plus I got paid for tutoring today. Thank you, God. What a financial blessing!! Don't worry, I am going to pay my tithes. Plus two extra months on the car note! God is good!
Ok, I just read the comments from yesterday's post and someone told me to live a life that is pleasing to God. I had to reread my post. When I wrote it, I made it seem like I was the one struggling with my sexuality. Not the case. I'm comfortable with mine; I'm just a little perturbed about someone else's.
Posted by Nik ::
2/28/2006 ::
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Monday, February 27, 2006
Questionable
I had an oral presentation to do today and I rocked it! I am so darn proud of myself. I feel like celebrating! Ha! I'm wonderful! Anyway, let me tell you about my professor. By the time I'd arrived in class, I'd made up my mind that I was going to let last week's comments slide. I'd thought about it long enough and decided to just prove to him that I could handle it. Anyway, we get to class and he tells this guy that he's first. The guy goes through his BORING presentation. The professor comments, then says, "Ashley, are you prepared to give your presentation today?" I respond, "Yes, I'm ready." I really was ready; I put 6 hours into it, not to mention the three where I was just reading and coming up blank. I was cheezing and everything bc I was in a good mood. He proceeds to ask, "Are you sure?" By this time, I feel the heat rising in my face. I respond, "Yes, I'm prepared for class." He says ok and lets me begin my presentation. I was wonderful. I could see it in his face that he was shocked, but appreciated my opinions. I felt like I did when I went to Brown and held my own amongst the students there. After I finished, he made a few comments, asked a few questions, then told someone else to begin. I was still on my high, but I couldn't help but notice that he didn't ask anyone else if they were prepared. So, to me it just confirmed what I'd thought all along: He doesn't think Black people are intelligent enough to succeed in his class. That is why I am the only one left and that is why he questioned me (TWICE) about my preparation. I was proud of me though bc I know I did well. We have mid-terms next week, so I am going to bust my butt making sure that I am ready.
I am still struggling with someone else's issue of homosexuality/ bisexuality/ heterosexuality. I need stregnth to deal with it so that I can move on. I need clarity so that I can move on. I need sanity because if I don't get it soon, somebody is going to get hurt and it may be me. I need to stop claiming something and have faith in God.
Posted by Nik ::
2/27/2006 ::
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Sunday, February 26, 2006
Pain
I have an excruciating pain in my right thumb. Whitney slammed it in the door as we stood outside giving a police report. Here's what happened.....We went to church and drove around trying to find a soul food restaraunt. We couldn't find anywhere, so we settled on KFC Buffet. On the way, we pulled up on side of this guy. Japonica thought he was cute and smiled at him. He rolled the window up! We came to the consensus that he was gay bc there were four girls in the car and didn't think either of us were cute. So we started making jokes about him and his dirty Buick. Well the genius told everyone to wave at him. The girl in the back seat flipped him off and he got pissed. He pulled in front of us and slammed on breaks. Then, he decided to turn off. Well, as he turned into Subway, he threw something against our window. I don't know what it was, but it was powdery and hit the car really hard. JP started panicking, as did I. My scary ass told her to pull over while I called the police. Well, maybe he thought we were pulling over to say something to him and he pulled over. He cussed us out so bad and told us he would shoot us bc it's 2006. We didn't know what the hell was going on. We didn't find out that the girl flopped him off until after he'd left. So it took the police about 30 minutes to get there. When the officer finally arrived, we stood outside while JP and the girl in the backseat told him what happened. The genius placed her hand in the doorway and Whitney slammed. It hurt so badly. Now my thumbnail is black. That was at about 2. It's 716 and it still hurts.
One of my professors told me to drop his class. I don't know how I feel about that. Mainly, I am confused. This is what I know: There were originally four blacks in the class and now there is only one, moi. There are only two people who have attended every class, myself and another girl. We have never written any papers. Now what I don't know is why all the other black people dropped the class. I don't know why he told me to drop rather than telling those two white boys who have missed three classes between them to drop. I don't know what makes him think I can't handle the class if we haven't even written a paper for him.
Posted by Nik ::
2/26/2006 ::
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Monday, February 13, 2006
Let it burn
Man, I have had an interesting week. I have issues that I need to resolve between two people that I once held extremely close. One of which I thought I would never have issues with; the other has taken me to hell and back. I really don't know if we can come out of this. My friends keep telling me that overreacting, but it's something that I don't think I can shake. I will honestly put forth the effort, but I can't help but feel betrayed. The situation just went too far. Part of that is my fault because I let it. At the same time, I feel like that person should have been able to separate the two and understand that an attachment to one would cloud judgment of what is best for the other. I don't know. We all have tests and I guess this is one of mine. I don't know if I will pass or not. Time will tell.
Saturday my daddy told me some disturbing news that made my stomach do flips over and over again. (my stomach must just be weak bc last week, I looked at a pic of an ex and threw up.) I should learn to trust my gut. I had a gut feeling about something, but ignored it bc I thought I was tripping. When my dad and I left breakfast, he pretty much confirmed my suspicions. He didn't have SOLID proof, but what he did have was more than enough. Man, that is still bothering me.
I went to see BOB yesterday. I just needed to be comforted. It's good to be around him because he knows how to make me smile and I know he won't hurt me. He even sang to me. I missed that. He has such a beautiful voice. I love that boy. It's not the kind of love that makes you want to be with them. I love him because of what we shared and how he makes me genuinely happy. I miss that, not necessarily from him, just that feeling.
It's really hard to come by good friends, and I have one of the best. I need to give her the credit she deserves. Sometimes we put people in a box and not realize that there is room in there for other people. I have a really really good friend who always has my back, no matter what. I know she gets tired of listening to the same shit in different words, but she listens, open heartedly, without judgment. Sometimes I need that. She is truly a Godsend, my friend, my sister. I thank her so much.
I flunked a quiz in class today.
Posted by Nik ::
2/13/2006 ::
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Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Our Ivy Beyond the Wall
Coretta Scott King will be missed. She was a mother, a wife, a lady, a fighter, a survivor. Oftentimes, we look at her as the First Lady of the Civil Rights Movement simply because of whose wife she was. There was so much more to her than that. She marched beside him, sang with him, protested with him. When Dr. King died, she continued. She was still right there, being the mother, the fighter, the survivor, still marching onward, striving to not let his fight be in vain. She faught for the liberties of African Americans as well as for the liberties of the poor. She spent ten years trying to get the governmnent to recognize her husband's birthday as a national holiday, then opened The King Center in his memory to ensure that his legacy and struggle for equality was never forgotten. Our Ivy Beyond the Wall, Coretta Scott King, a woman of charcter and elegacne, is truly missed.
Here are some highlights. I may have missed some words and have some grammatical errors, but I think I got the essence of it.
Dorothy Height quoting Martin Luther King, Jr. "The black man needs the white man to free him of his spirit. The white man needs the black man to free him of his guilt."
Paraphrasing Sherry Frank, American Jewish Committee Exec. Dir. "The country lost a beloved activist. The King family lost a wonderful mother and relative. The Jewish community lost a devoted friend."
Sen. Edward Kennedy "In the face of her constant courage, unshakable faith, even Jim Crow had to yeild.
Rev. Dr. Joseph Lowry: "Who could have bought this crowd together, except Coretta? But in the morning, will words become deeds that meet needs? Leave me alone Sharpton. Shut up Jesse. What a family reunion! Rosa and Martin are just starting to talk. Martin stops listening because the wind is whispering in his ear. 'Excuse me, Rosa.' Martin begins to walk toward the pearly gates. After 40 yrs., together at last, together at last. Thank God Almighty, we are together at last."
Soror Maya Angelou: " [She was] Born in cornflower and destined to become a steel magnolia. I speak as a sister of a sister. We sat calling each other, Girl. That's a black woman thing. Even as reached our seventh decade, we still said, 'Girl!' Peace and justice should be known to everybody everywhere. I want to see a better world. I want to see some peace somewhere." They were friends friends. You could see it in her face and hear it in her expressions.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter: Each of their (Martin and Coretta) handshakes was worth a million Yankee votes! This is to remind us that the struggle for equal rights is not over. We only have to recall the color of those in La., Al,and MS. to know that there are not yet equal opportunities for all Americans."
Former Pres. George Bush: There was always a dignity, a wonderful grace about Coretta and the way she carried herself.
Former Pres. Bill Clinton: I am honored to be here with my president, my former presidents, and umm, ummm (Hinting at future president Hilary?) LEt's not forget that there is a woman in there. Not a symbol. A real woman who had hopes and dreams and got angry. HE was looking for a woman with beauty and character and intelligence, and she sure fit the bill. Even when she was over 75, she still fit the bill. We would have all forgiven her if she had said, I have stumbled on enough (Something I missed). I am going home to raise my kids. Nobody would have condemned her, but instead, she went to Memphis and led that march with the garbage workers. They understood that the difficulty of success does not relieve one of the obligation to try. If you want to treat Mrs. King like a role model, then model her behavior.
Senator Hilary Rodham Clinton: I remember as a college student, listening in amazement, to the news reports of this woman taking up her husbands stand. She said she was there to continue his work to make all people free not just free from obvious the oppression that one can see, truly free knowing that each of us has a personal relationship with God that can take us through (any situation?).
Malaak Shabazz: Let me mention someone no one else has. My mother and Mrs. King shared a battle with someone else, Myrlie Evers. They thought they could pull one another (Malaak and Yolanda) apart, but they said no. We are in this together. We traveled around, showing people that we could still be who we were together, merging. You aren't doing either any justice by picking one over the other (MLK or Malcolm X). As we traveled on the road together, we got to swap mothers. My mother, Mrs. King, and Myrlie Evers were sisters. They would go on retreats together. They were one a mission of loving their husbands, loving thier children, and substaining them. (I didn't do her justice. She was so passionate. I couldn't capture all of her words. I really want to meet this woman.)
I missed the rest of it. Hopefully, I will catch it tonight on CSPAN. I'm gone watch the whole thing again.
Posted by Nik ::
2/07/2006 ::
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Monday, February 06, 2006
Burdens
I went home this weekend for the second time since Jan. 3. I get so bored and start feeling so unhappy. I don't know why. Maybe it is my pessimism kicking in, but I just don't wanna be here. I fell asleep in class again today. I did participate in the discussion though because I need those points. I got my grade on my discussion leading today. He gave me really good feedback, but I got a B+. I must admit my feelings were a little bit hurt, but I can deal. I don't know what I made on that paper. I'm in no hurry to get it back because I don't think it's good. Actually, I do think it's good, but I don't know what exactly he is looking for. It was only supposed to be one page, but I had to make some adjustments because I had too much to say. In my 430 class, only two people showed up. My professor was pretty pissed, but he went on with class anyway. He ordered us pizza, too. I ate it even though it wasn't on my diet. Class was actually better with just the two of us. There were originally seven people enrolled in the class, but one girl didn't show up last week or this week, so she probably dropped the class. There was another guy in the class. I gave him my number; he called me Saturday to tell me that he dropped the class. So, that I know of, there are only five people enrolled in the class. That can be both good and bad. It's good because you can actually develop a personal relationship with the professor and classmates. It's bad because the professor has more time to focus on each paper.
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Yesterday, Pastor was talking about burdens. He was reading from Galations (maybe Ephesians). The point was that burdens are meant to be handled one of three ways: beared, shouldered, or shed. Some things we just have to deal with (bear). These will only make us stronger in the end. Some things you need help with (shouldered by others). We weren't designed to handle everything on our own. That's why we have friends and family. Other issues are just meant to shed. They aren't glorifying God or helping you. You jus have to let those things go. Anyway, while he was talking, I started thinking about Rashad. I haven't heard anything good about that boy in a nice minute. He is really going through right now (burdens he needs to shed). I am hoping I can talk to him and maybe later talk with him. Right now, he needs someone to help him. I realize that I cannot fix his problem, but maybe I can tell him something that will make him want to shed that burden.
I don't know. I just have to realize that God is working on me and what simple things I am going through will pass. I'm still trying to be optimistic, but I haven't been doing a good job lately. I'm still trying though and I know God is going to take me where he wants me to be.
I've been thinking about Blair, too. Maybe it's because his birthday was Saturday. I really want him to be blessed.
Posted by Nik ::
2/06/2006 ::
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Saturday, February 04, 2006
What kind of drink would I be?
I did this twice. This is ashley. I didn't like the response, so I did it again with ash. Here's ashley.
This is ash.
I lost the first one I had to Ash, but this was close. I realized that it wasn't what I was typing, but how I was typing. So once, I figured this out, I had to make sure I was right. I typed Ashley in really slowly and it said I am insecure. Then I typed it in really fast and it said I was bitchy.
Posted by Nik ::
2/04/2006 ::
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