Monday, January 09, 2006

I changed the skin on my blog today. I wanted something a little more positive. The purple flower was absolutely beautiful, but it just didn't say optimism. So here is a bright orange one to match my attitude for the new year.

However, I must release these feelings.

In the last twelve months, I have learned so much about how other people live. I have done my best to step outside of my "bubble" and try to understand why people do the things they do. I have forgiven and looked past those things that don't resemble my thoughts, beliefs, or morals.

Let's see...about two months ago, we had a long heart to heart expressing fears and realities. No more partial truths. No more placing people on pedastals. No more taking ectasy pills. No more selling pills. No more robberies. No more testing God. No more putting self in danger. I believed all of it. I had faith in someone else. No reason to lie.

Two days before I Christmas I get a phone call. You're in jail. I have no idea why your best friend decided to call me. I have no idea why he stopped calling to let me know how things are going. All I know is you are locked up for an aggravated assault charge because you decided to go to someone's house and sleep with his girlfriend. I'm not supposed to be mad at that because you aren't mine and haven't been for quite some time, but I am pissed. I'm pissed because in my mind, you weren't supposed to be sleep with anyone else. I'm pissed because you said God had brought you too far for you to jeopordize your life and career. I'm pissed because Derrick hasn't called me in almost 2 weeks to tell me how you are. I'm pissed because I start school next week and you don't even know it. I'm pissed because sometimes I just need to talk and I can't pick up the phone and dial your number. I'm pissed because I don't get those phone calls to say good morning. I'm pissed because I asked for this and don't know how to deal with it.

Be careful for what you pray for because you just might get it. I asked God to remove you from my life and he did it. I am greatful. It's just really really hard. I don't think I could have grown with you around. A part of me (like it is now) would probably tug and tell me to have faith, but the more things change, the more they stay the same. Everything happens for a reason and He knows that I am weak for you. He did what he thought was best, prolly for the both of us.

I guess I am pissed because I my heart is hurting.
Posted by Nik :: 1/09/2006 :: 3 Comments:

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