Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I started writing yesterday, but my computer did something and I couldn't recover the post. Anyway, class went well yesterday. I really need to download Microsoft Word onto this thing bc it took me 2 hours to print out my paper. It kept giving me computer language. I tried everything I knew. Then once I decided to copy and paste it in my e-mail, the darn printer stopped working. So, again, it took forever to print. I almost cried. It was the first assignment and I am already the odd man (woman) out in that darn class. So, I panicked, not the usual laughing panic bc I know I can't change it and I've really screwed up. It was the tears in the corner of the eye panic. Maybe, I'm premenstraul. (I know this is TMI, but) I don't know if I am bc as of late, I've stopped keeping up. Don't really have a reason to. I have damn near sworn off men. Not actually, just all of those exes. Speaking of exes BOB came to see me Sunday night. It's always good to be in his presence, but I kept my distance. I didn't want to send mixed signals. I wanted it to plain and clear that it wasn't like that. That was yesterday and this is today. Leave well enough alone.
I know I am ADD, but oh well. Sunday, I went to a new church. It was absolutely wonderful. (I used to call an ex wonderful, but really he was evil.) The choir was singing and everybody was stomping. You could really feel the spirit, even aside from the singing. It was beautiful. The preacher could preach, too. However, I wasn't really into what he was saying. His entire sermon was about giving to the church. I'm not anti-tithing or anti-offering, but he talking about money the entire sermon. All he talked about was giving money. The ironic thing is, he never once mentioned tithes. He never said anything about paying tithes. Never made reference to that 10% the Bible requires you to give. I believe in working and acquiring wealth. I want some of that wealth. He just seemed money hungry. He kept talking about all the blessings you will recieve if you pay tithes, which I agree with. But he never mentioned any other way of getting blessed. He never mentioned a personal relationship with God, only the relationship between your wallet and blessings. I was willing to let that go, though bc I know the man can preach. I could just feel it. Actually, it must have been the Lord I was feeling bc something was moving inside of me and I wanted to join the church. I have a church home and have never even remotely considered joining another church, even though I am 3 hours aways from that church. (maybe it has something to do with my issues of letting the past mix with the present.) The service was just good.
So I walk up there and say I want to join. A lady takes me upstairs and has me to complete a contact form and I begin looking through the information that she's given me. I happen to see that you have to pay $175 to rent the sanctuary, as well as a separate $100 non-refundable deposit. That doesn't even include use of the kitchen. There's another fee for that. So that turned me off. I don't think you should turn away from the church bc of money, but a part of me doesn't feel compfortable about that. I don't understand why a tithe-paying, offering giving member of the church should have to pay to use the sanctuary. What exactly are tithes and offerings for? I understand paying the preacher if he ministers over something, i.e. funerals and weddings. (Honestly, I don't think there should be a fee, but you should give a donation.) I just don't understand why u have to pay to use the church. So, I am going to go back Sunday. Maybe he will preach about something else.
Posted by Nik :: 1/31/2006 :: 1 Comments:

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Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I'm a graduate student!

I WENT TO CLASS YESTERDAY! Ha! I enjoyed it much. I have been waiting forever to be a student again. In my lit and film class, I am the only graduate student and the only black student. So, I am in a sea of all white faces. There were two students from MP and one from Biloxi. (all male) We are reading The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie. It's a pretty good book, easy read, thought-provoking. I have to do an oral presentation on it next week. I'm excited about it. I've already figured out some of the things I'm going to say. I already know what I want my thesis to be for the paper I have to do. I'm ready. (Oh yeah, I dozed off while we were watching the movie. It was good, but I was too tired to focus completely on a movie.) Then I went to my Percy and O'Conner class. It seems like its gone be alecture class and I do not perform well in those bc I am borderline (if not completely) ADD. He told us to spend the week thinking about where we want to meet bc we aren't going to meet in the classroom. There are 7 students in the class and it is a 3 hr evening class, so he wants to meet at a resteraunt or coffeehouse. That should be pretty good. We read Flannery O'Conner's "A Good Man is Hard to Find." It was pretty good. Flannery O'Conner is pretty cool, though I have only read 3 of her stories. If nothing else, I should learn something because he was name dropping like crazy and I had no idea who any of the writers or critcs were. So, I should learn something. I still have to read 2 articles and another short story for that class.
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I went home this weekend. Theta Zeta Omega had a Founder's Day program. It was nice. Soror Doty was the speaker and as animated as she always is. That woman has so much "SPIRIT" its unbelievable. I decided to join that chapter. Well, I had already decided. I just don't have the money right now. I will after income tax though.
Speaking of money, my LS want to go to New York to see The Color Purple on Broadway. I really wanna go. I just don't know if I can afford it. My moma said she would call my uncle in NY and see if he could find some cheaper flights and hotels. It seems ideal to just stay with him and his wife, esp. since they don't have any children. They are honestly the nicest people in the world. His wife is so sweet, but I don't think I would want to stay with them while in Manhatten. There is so much to see and so much to do. I don't know what time we would come in at night. If this had been one of my mom's brother's or sister's as opposed to my dad's, it wouldn't be a problem. Simply because they are a little more relxed. One of my best friends wants to go. I have to run that by my ls. It shouldn't be a problem bc they all like her. She's cool people. I think we would have a blast.
I finally burned a CD. I am so computer illiterate. If it doesn't involve the internet or microsoft, I'm aloof. Since I have this new laptop, I've been experimenting! I'm learning a few things. I scanned my pics and put them on a disk. Ha! I'm pretty proud of myself, even though I should have known these things.
Anyway, those are about the only fascinating details of my life right now.
toodles

Posted by Nik :: 1/24/2006 :: 1 Comments:

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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Three Questions About My Memories

What is your earliest memory?
My very first memory must be when I was about 3 years old. It was my birthday and my parents bought me a barbie doll. I don't know if the doll was black or white, but I am assuming it was white. I was so happy. I opened my presents and then my daddy hoisted me on his shoulders and we went to the park, just like that. I got on the swings and I prolly played on some other things at the park, but I don't remember. I just know that I got on the swings because I sat my Barbie down where I was swinging so that I could hold on to the swing. Maybe the swing was the last thing I got on because after I got off the swing, my daddy put me back on his shoulders and we began walking home. I don't know how far we walked, but I do know that we were closer to the park than our house. I told my daddy to turn around because I left the doll. He did. When we got back to the park, a little girl (a little white girl, that's why I assume the Barbie was white. White people don't play with black dolls.) was playing with my doll. I told her it was mine and asked for it back. She told me no. My daddy asked her mom to get the Barbie from her and give it back to me. The little girl's mother said no because that was her daughter's doll. I couldn't and still can't believe that lady stood there and told that bold face lie. I cried all the way home. I mean boo-hooed. My daddy was trying to calm me down, but my little feelings were so hurt. When we got home, my momma asked what was wrong and I told her. Do you know she started fussing at me about "keeping up with my shit." She actually said that's what I got. I was too hurt.
What have you tried to forget?
I have tried to forget so many things. I've tried to forget that time my momma hit me with a board. I have tried to forget a quite embarrassing moment at basketball practice. Thank goodness no one knew it was me. I have tried to forget a particular young man that absolutely means me no good.
What do you wish you could remember?
I wish I could remember more Christmases with my great-great grandma. I remember her. I remember spending the night with her. I remember her walking through the house late at night. I remember the living room furniture. It was blue. I remember the pictures on the wall. A picture of my uncle and his wife from their 8th grade prom was in the middle. I remember her combing my hair. I remember her putting lemon juice in her hair. I remember her hitting me with the broom when I threw water in my cousin's face while he was sleep. I remember her eating cottage cheese, crackers, and thousand island. I remember her telling me coffee would make me black but still making me a cup. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with her while she made jello. I remember her calling my daddy Melvin. I remember her calling me Lisa and Ashla. I remember her saying "that black ass gal of lisa's" I remember her buying my cousins black dresses for Christmas less than a month before she died. I remember my momma telling me she was dead. I remember the look on my moma's face. I remeber not understanding why they wouldn't let me go to the hospital. I remember her face. I remember her. I love my grandma. I remember so much about her. God, I miss her. I have all these memories. I know we went to her house every Christmas, but I just don't remember her being there. I wish I could remember spending Christmas with my Moma Liza.

Posted by Nik :: 1/18/2006 :: 0 Comments:

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Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Idle Chatter

I had a good day today. I finally purchased my books for class. I had to buy 12 books! Yay! I am only excited bc I bought books. I'm not particulary excited about the books though bc they are by white people. This is not my racism kicking in; I just prefer to read books by African American writers. That's why I need to hurry up and get into an Africana studies program. I got a check for tutoring today and I was totally not expecting it. It wasn't even $100, but it was money I hadn't counted on. I needed that because I really wanna go home Saturday. I have been pinching off my savings account.
Anyway, I had a wonderful time this weekend. Saturday, I went to a party at this nice little place. We used to have our AKA parties there in undergrad and I promise it is a totally different environment. Maybe people smoked at our parties, but I don't recall. I really doubt it. Anyway, the place was "thick." People were everywhere. LJ and I really had a good time. I even got in a strut or two. :)
Afterwards, we went to IHOP. We weren't even hungry. It just seemed like the right thing to do. She ended up spending the night with me bc it was about 3 when we finally arrived home. Home? Did I just say that?
Saturday, I got up and drove to Memphis. My best friend and I ran errands for the party that couldn't afford to have. It turned out to be quite nice until she went Psycho Betty on everyone, including me. We resolved it though. The plan was to go see Memoirs of a Geisha, but we never made it. We lounged all day Sunday. What a waste? Monday, we decided to go on a diet. We are both a little too big. (I buy darn 14s.) The diet plan is for three months, but its not healthy. The first week you are only supposed to have juice and water. The next week, you add fruits. Then add veggies; then add meats. Then you are to go back to the juices and start over. That will not work for me. I had juice and water all day yesterday and until 9 o'clock tonight. I literally had hunger pains. My stomach was in knots. At about 8, I went to Wally World and bought salads and fruits. That should still help me to lose wieght and its healthier.
I finally found the stregnth to let go of those ex bfs. It has been quite interesting. Around this time of night, I find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call one or two of them, but I don't. I really feel like it's too much baggage. Anyway, if someone treats you badly, you shouldn't want to be their friend. I recently told someone that we try to keep people in our lives for a lifetime when they are only meant to be there for a season or a reason. I find myself guilty of that. So, I am trying to learn from these people who will eventually leave my life. I am also trying to figure out if they are lifetime, reason, or season people. Once I figure it out, I am going to try to accept it as is. I have a friend who is a season friend, but for some reason we still converse. We have nothing to talk about. When we are on the phone, all there is is dead air. Then when in person, it's just idle chatter. I need to let go of that relationship too. I have another friend who has absolutely nothing to talk about but sex. Personally, I think sex is quite interesting conversation, but not at all times. When I change the subject, she changes it right back. Maybe she is going through something right now. I don't know.
Oh yeah, I bought some more Proactive. I don't know why I keep buying that stuff. It really keeps my face clear, but it doesn't remove the blemishes. Well, that's why I keep buying it. My face doesn't break out any more. But when I see the commercials, the people on the commercials have perfect skin. Even their dark spots disappear. Maybe it will be better this time bc I bought the skin lightening lotion. I'm actually a bit scared to use it bc I don't want to look bleached or have light spots. I just want even skin.
That's enough. I'm out.

Posted by Nik :: 1/17/2006 :: 3 Comments:

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Friday, January 13, 2006

Nosey

Last night, I stumbled upon someone's blog that I know. When I got to it, I probably should not have read it, but it's a blog, on the net, for everyone to see. So, me being me, I read it. People always say you get what you are looking for. I just wanted to see if she mentioned me in it and boy did she. She called me subservient. Wow! After thinking about it, maybe she is right. I really don't think so, but there is a possibility. Before that though, she talked about her relationship with a particular young man and I was forced to admit that all the things I'd heard were true. In my mind, I knew they were, but I just wanted to believe that he was better than that. However, after reading her blog, I realized that he isn't and he did exactly what everyone told me he did. Not only did he do it to me, but to her as well. I am supposed to be optimistic in 2006, so I am going to have faith in myself with this one. I am cutting him off. We have been down that road before and always end up calling each other again. Sometimes I think I am "mighty as an oak" but other times "weak as a limb." ;) I'm going to do this. I think I am going to fast starting Monday in an effort to rid self of toxic chemicals and toxic people and toxic attitudes. God grant me the stregnth to change the things that I can.

Posted by Nik :: 1/13/2006 :: 0 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Four

4 jobs you've had in your life: teacher, youth couselor, student researcher, car-hop

4 movies you could watch over and over: The Five Heartbeats, The Other Sister, Remember the Titans, The Temptations
4 places you've lived: Tougaloo, Pgoula, Yazoo, Va.
4 TV shows you love to watch: The Cosby Show, Charmed, Girlfriends, America's Next Top Model (despite the latest disappointment. i have no idea how nicole won.)
4 places you've been on vacation: Atlanta, Va. Beach, Orlando, Memphis

4 websites you visit daily: hotmail, yahoo, facebook, and blogger (i don't know if thats what the ? was intending, but thats my answer.)
4 of your favorite foods:mac-n-cheese, prelines and cream icecream, pecan prelines, pineapples
4 places you'd rather be: houston, my bed, school, providence

4 albums you can't live without: Prince "Purple Rain" Usher "Confessions" Toni Braxton "Secrets" John Legend "Get Lifted"

Posted by Nik :: 1/13/2006 :: 2 Comments:

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Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Insubordination

I don't know how to change the font. I'm already blind it is quite difficult to read.

Anyway, I got wrote up at work for something that happened a month ago. Everyone was in the auditorium for the Christmas program and a class came in late. I gave my seat to a student bc he didn't have anywhere to sit. I stood for a while, but then my feet started hurting bc I was wearing cute brown boots. I decided to sit in the sectio behind my class. The assistant assistant principal (see how important she is) told me to go back and stand beside my class. I kinda got pissed bc i do't like here ass is and all of the other teachers were sitting where I was headed. I looked at her and laughed, not being sarcastic or rude. That's just what I do when I get angry or scared or silly. I laugh. That's just what I do. Then I asked here why she would tell me to go back when she didn't tell anyone else. She didn't like that and I must admit it was a bit childish. So she wrote me up for questioning her and not fulfilling my responsibility to the students. Ain't that something. I couldn't believe it. And she CCed it to the principal, but he didn't care. He just told me to make sure I got my Christmas gift off his filing cabinet and said "welcome back to the family." I love that man. He's awesome. Tomorrow I have to meet with him to discuss what we are going to do about my work schedule since I start school next week. We shall see. I'm sure everything will be fine.

Posted by Nik :: 1/11/2006 :: 2 Comments:

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Monday, January 09, 2006

I changed the skin on my blog today. I wanted something a little more positive. The purple flower was absolutely beautiful, but it just didn't say optimism. So here is a bright orange one to match my attitude for the new year.

However, I must release these feelings.

In the last twelve months, I have learned so much about how other people live. I have done my best to step outside of my "bubble" and try to understand why people do the things they do. I have forgiven and looked past those things that don't resemble my thoughts, beliefs, or morals.

Let's see...about two months ago, we had a long heart to heart expressing fears and realities. No more partial truths. No more placing people on pedastals. No more taking ectasy pills. No more selling pills. No more robberies. No more testing God. No more putting self in danger. I believed all of it. I had faith in someone else. No reason to lie.

Two days before I Christmas I get a phone call. You're in jail. I have no idea why your best friend decided to call me. I have no idea why he stopped calling to let me know how things are going. All I know is you are locked up for an aggravated assault charge because you decided to go to someone's house and sleep with his girlfriend. I'm not supposed to be mad at that because you aren't mine and haven't been for quite some time, but I am pissed. I'm pissed because in my mind, you weren't supposed to be sleep with anyone else. I'm pissed because you said God had brought you too far for you to jeopordize your life and career. I'm pissed because Derrick hasn't called me in almost 2 weeks to tell me how you are. I'm pissed because I start school next week and you don't even know it. I'm pissed because sometimes I just need to talk and I can't pick up the phone and dial your number. I'm pissed because I don't get those phone calls to say good morning. I'm pissed because I asked for this and don't know how to deal with it.

Be careful for what you pray for because you just might get it. I asked God to remove you from my life and he did it. I am greatful. It's just really really hard. I don't think I could have grown with you around. A part of me (like it is now) would probably tug and tell me to have faith, but the more things change, the more they stay the same. Everything happens for a reason and He knows that I am weak for you. He did what he thought was best, prolly for the both of us.

I guess I am pissed because I my heart is hurting.

Posted by Nik :: 1/09/2006 :: 3 Comments:

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Thursday, January 05, 2006

Resolution

Well, I figured I would make a New Year's resolution and keep it simple. I decided to be more optmistic. I will try not to think so negatively and look at the glass as half empty. My friends always tell me I am a bitch (and the last convo I had with Blair, he called me an asshole), so I will try to work on that too. I'm feeling really good about this year. I really am, maybe because 2005 was so bad. I feel comfortable with my decision to grow my hair out and my decision to go back to school. I am going to get my credit in order. I am just excited! God is going to work miracles in my life. I'm ready.


Mutterings

1. Celebrate:: party
   
2. Resolve: to do better
   
3. I need to:: get a perm
   
4. Call:: blair
   
5. Token:: black (tar baby)
   
6. Brand:: name
   
7. Comparison:: no comparison
   
8. Far away:: to another place and time
   
9. Artful:: artie stewart
   
10. Fantastic:: four
    

Posted by Nik :: 1/05/2006 :: 1 Comments:

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Sunday, January 01, 2006

Questionaire

I stole this from Ranada!

MY BEST AND WORST OF 2005:

1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
Nope

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
that morning i watched the sun rise over the Mississippi River

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
The moment I realized, not when I admitted, that I didn't have a job.

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
At my house, prolly sleep, moping, wishing I would have stayed on the coast with my folx
5) Who were you with?
Me myself and I

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
In CHURCH!

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
whoever was in church

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
nope

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
not yet

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
I was infatuated

11) If yes, with who?
blair

12) If yes, do they know?
i dunno, he thinks im crazy

13) Are you still in love with them?
nope

14) You regret it?
No. It really gave me an opportunity to look into someone else's life. He exposed me to things I was sheltered from. 2005 made me open my eyes to life's harshest realities. I guess I looked outside of my bubble. I continue to live in it though because I am happy here.
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
pretty much

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
2

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
whitney and ashley

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
I don't know...I'm thinking February, maybe March...simply bc I don't remember anything bad
19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
No
20) How many different states have you traveled in 2005?
Ms, Al, La, Ga, Va. I wish I could have gone to Maryland

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
No, thank God. I did watch a few people lose people who were extremely close to them.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
I missed Bebe.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
Crash or Four Brothers, both pretty good

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
the Usher song...this is a metaphor to show how I adore (Superstar maybe)

25) What was your favorite album from 2005?
John Legend Get Lifted

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
I have never been to a concert in my life but i plan on seeing Yolanda Adams in a few weeks.

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
Clearly not

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
nope not at all
29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
don't do drugs but i have a weird desire to try marijuana

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
not that i can recall

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
I want you to take a road trip with me. God that hurt my heart.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
Yeah, I treat a lot of people bad.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
Yep.

36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
Everything I earned excpet $1200.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
The day I got my acceptance letter into MC

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
having to lie about my job. well, i didn't really have to lie, it was juse easier than explaining the truth

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 what would it be?
The day I watched the sun rise. I just felt so at peace and content, not content, happy

40) What are your plans for 2006?
Go to school, get a real job, study the Bible,

Happy New Year!!!

Posted by Nik :: 1/01/2006 :: 1 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Happy New Year

Wow! 2005 is finally over! I am too elated. I promise this has been the worst year of my life. My grandmother had a stroke. I didn't get the teaching position I wanted. I became infatuated with a thug who has no idea whether or not he believes in God. I fell back in love (in a matter of days) with someone I knew meant me no good. I thought my brother was going to be jailed. One of my closest friends had an abortion. My line sister lost her dad. One of classmates died. It just seemed like death was all around for a moment. Katrina destroyed my house and all the amenities within. Katrina drowned hundreds of people.
Man, 2005 is over. I have some fond memories to carry with me. My grandmother got to spend another Christmas with us! I started this new job that will enable me to go to school. I rekindled a flame with my high school sweetheart. That probably won't go anywhere, but it's nice being in his presence. I gained three new nieces: Madison, Kayden, and Memri! All of my siblings are still with their children's parents. My mom finally has the time and money to redo the house the way she has been dreaming of since I was in high school. I've made a couple new friends, one of which whom calls me her role model. One of my friends got married. It was a good year.
Last night, my best friend went to church. She doesn't do the church thing bc she feels church people are the biggest hypocrites and the Bible is too contradictory. I called to ask about her experience but she hasn't called back. We can't really discuss religion and Jesus because both of us get frustrated. Me because she doesn't even own a Bible to read it and her because I read it and know what it says but continue to do the opposite. So I am quite interested in her service last night.
Last night my pastor told us not to spend our lives driving through the rear view mirror. I liked that. So many times we get caught up in what we did and what we didn't do that we don't take the time to think about what we should be doing. We spend so much energy focusing on what other people did to us that we don't stop to think about what we have done for other people. I am going to try to spend 2006 looking forward and not dwelling on what happened in the past. The past is important only if you grow from it. So I am going to try to grow some kind of way from all of my experiences, past present and future.
I prolly should make a new year's resolution, but I don't stick to them. Last year, I decided to work on the outer me. I did too, for about 2 months. Then I just kept getting bigger and bigger. I think I was depressed. I'm not sure. Dag, I just said don't spend time living through the rear veiw mirror! I am going to make a resolution and try to stick to it. I have to think about it though.
Happy New Year! I pray that it is as interesting as and more prosperous than 2005. Peace and Blessings.

Posted by Nik :: 1/01/2006 :: 2 Comments:

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