Sunday, October 30, 2005

Tired

WOW! This has been a long week. I've been working 17 hour days. I have just felt drained. I was at Brinkley from 730-5, then TC from 5-12. I just felt drained. I am working really hard so that I can afford to go to school in January. Recently, someone offered to help me a great deal and I plan on accepting it, but I don't want to just expect it then not work to get it myself. This person has proved reliable in the past, but you just never know. I would hate not to be able to go to school because I put my faith in someone else's hands.

I have a new neice! Hooray! Her name is Kayden Adrianna and she's beautiful. She's a little darkie too. She's going to be about my color, if not darker. I'm not dark, but that is dark for her bc she's biracial. She's so pretty though. I cannot wait to watch her and Madison grow up together. The only thing is, I will just get glimpses into their lives because I plan on moving far away. The destination is unknown; I just know that I am leaving.

My best friend and I said when we turned 25, we were moving out of the south. I love the south, every aspect of it. I love the Southern drawl (that is so prevalent in my father's speech), the soul food, the hospitality, and sense of family. I love it here. I just think it's time for a change. I also need to go somewhere else for school. I don't want my resume to seem limited, so I am going North.

I will be glad when this other tutoring program comes through. It will give me a chance to breathe. If it doesn't come through, I will be glad when I get back in school. Both of them will make my life a lot easier. I can start back resting. Until then, I will continue working long hours. I need to go now because I need to figure out what I will wear to work tomorrow.

Be blessed and remember that you are highly favored.
Posted by Nik :: 10/30/2005 :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Obedience is better than sacrifice.

I really need to learn how to be obedient, on so many levels. I would not be in the situations I am currently in if I would merely listen to what God is trying to tell me and actually obey his word.

I am glad that doors keep opening for me career-wise, but things would be so much better had I merely obeyed God's will. I left my job because Ashley wasn't happy. I convinced myself that I needed to be somewhere else to be fulfilled. I had that the-grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side mentality. Boy, was I wrong. I went to Homecoming was overwhelmed with love. As I listened to my children tell me what was new in their lives, I couldn't help but wish I could be there to experience it firsthand with them. I chose to walk away because of circumstances beyond my control. Walking away took away the circumstances within my control. I could no longer be that tree planted by God to bear positive fruits in that environment. In my head, I could bear those same fruits somewhere else. Every tree cannot bear fruit in every climate.

In spite of my disobedience, God continues to bless me, though I do not deserve it. He keeps on opening doors to allow me to get back to that climate and environment. When I finally get there, I will be better equipped for the occasional inclement weather. My fruits will continue to blossom despite the circumstances and I can enhance and uplift those beautiful minds that are continuing to develop without me.

I know this seems simple, but I have to obey God's will healthwise as well. God has given me a strict diet and I am not following it. I kept praying and telling God I wanted to "get sexy" and lose weight; yet when he told me what to do, I chose to do it on my terms. I have to listen. I have to put Ashley aside and know that I will be ok. When times get hard (and they will) I just have to stop and thank him. I know things will be better. I just need some faith and obediance in my life.

Posted by Nik :: 10/19/2005 :: 2 Comments:

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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

REFLECTIONS

I just left a filmography about activism and the recent events that have rocked and are rocking our nation. There was a great film on AIDS and homosexual men. (I realize there are lesbians, but this was about men.) The point was that it doesn't matter if you are in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship; you should still protect yourself because you honestly, no matter how much you think you do, do not know who your partner is sleeping with, rather that partner is husband, boyfriend, fuckbuddy, whateva. Very informative, but....

The one that really touched my heart was one on Hurricane Katrina. There were no words, just pictures. (It was kinda like the exhibit on lynchings throughout the south.) People were literally struggling for their lives. I know we all know this, but it's just...DAMN. My heart is still pounding and I saw it ten minutes ago. I went home Saturday and people are still living in tents. The hotels are booked. Apartments are flooded. Family homes are crowded. There is really nowhere to go. I thank God for FEMA, Red Cross, and Salvation Army, but it really isn't enough. The nation has been extremely generous, but these people have no homes. Thanks for the clothes. Thanks for the shoes. Thanks for the food. Thanks for the EBT cards. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. But, where do we put the clothes? Where do we cook the food? Where do we wipe our asses? People keep saying, "I'll pray for you." Thank you for the prayers, but we still need somewhere to lay our heads at night. FEMA keeps saying trailors are coming. Trailors are coming. WHEN? My granny has a trailor in her yard right now, but it's not hooked up. You can't flush the toilet. There isn't any power. It's been a month. At least she has one though. My sister is still waiting on hers.

The messed up thing is that the county is trying to buy (take) people's land. Why kick someone when they are already down. I understand people should stay current on their taxes, but goodness, they don't have shit left except the land. They need that to put the damn trailors (that are coming) on. People, certain people (for lack of a better word)are a trip. They keep telling these people, my people, my parents included, that the house is no good and the best thing to do is sell and move somewhere else. The sheetrock is garbage, but the frame and foundation are good. We can't afford to fix it now, but we will. That house belonged to my great-great grandma. My moma was raised there. It has gone from a four room house to a five bed-room, two bathroom home. Six generations share memories in that house, good, bad, and ugly. No matter how much you offer, you can't afford our memories.

Don't get me wrong. My family is fine. There are 11 people in my house, but we are fine. We aren't needing for anything. We are the lucky ones. I promise I won't complain about the house being flooded and losing everything. I promise I won't, but I feel the pain of those who have no other family and nowhere to go. No one on the coast should be complaining about not having a job because everywhere I went had NOW HIRING signs posted. It's so sad. So many people have just moved. I don't blame them. Why rebuild when the same thing could happen next year? It's weird though. You find yourself asking how so-and-so are doing, only to be told that they have moved. People have just left the coast. It's one thing to leave by choice, but when you are forced to leave home, it's different. I hate to see home in such despair. People have just lost hope.

I can only talk about the people in my town. These are the people I grew up watching, mimicking, admiring, loving. The people in non-existant Waveland are much worse. Pass Christian is suffering. New Orleans is just....I don't even have a word.
We will get better and we will rebuild into something better. It's just going to take time. Keep praying. Whatever you can send to your local organizations, do it. People really need it.

Posted by Nik :: 10/11/2005 :: 1 Comments:

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Friday, October 07, 2005

Just a few

Today was a thoroughly enjoyable day. The children were really well-behaved, shows they have some structure somewhere in their lives. For lunch, I had a fattening hamburger and fries. It was actually pretty good, but I planned on having that for dinner. I have been doing so well this week with excercise and diet. I'm pretty proud of self.

I am going home tomorrow because that sister of mine just had a beautiful baby girl who will go by Brooklyn, much to my dismay. I cannot wait to hold her tiny self in my hands. She looks just like her mommy. It's almost amazing because rarely do we see babies with forreal facial features. Her face is so defined. Ooh, she looks just like her mommy. Hopefully, while I am there Aubrey will go into labor. That will save me a trip, but how likely are the cosmos to favor me that much? We shall see.

I have recently been conversing with two young men that I once loved very deeply, at the same time. It's quite perturbing that they are attempting to walk back into my life at the same time. One of them caused me so much and pain, and I him; the other, it just never seemed to work out in our favor. Erykah Badu's "Next Lifetime" seems to be our ballad of circumstance. I really don't think either of them will pan out, but the game is quite interesting.

Am I really ready to settle down? I used to tell myself (and everyone who would listen) I would be married and carrying my first child at 25. If all that happens now, I will be completely shocked and amazed. I am 23 with no hopes of a husband. I don't even have a boyfriend. I think I am ready though. I am waiting on that "one right man to save the day, wrap me in his arms, and take me away." (TRINA) He's hard to find. I need him to be doing things and going places. I need him to want more. I need him to appreciate my inner and outer beauty and fortify my deepest weaknesses. I need him to be my column when my legs feel enervated. I need him to stimulate my mind as well as my senses. I need him to be able to lead and follow intense conversations as well as idle chatter. Shit sounds simple, but it's not.

There were other things on my mind, but my mind has gone in a direction I did not want it to go, so I will just stop while I am ahead.

Posted by Nik :: 10/07/2005 :: 2 Comments:

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Thursday, October 06, 2005

Today's dirt

1. Tell me what you're thinking of? I am wondering what I need to do in order for my old comments to show up.
2. What are you worrying about? why this particular person is e-mailing me and is calling worth the effort
3. What are you planning to do in 5hrs time? go work out in an hour and half, after that, relax
4. Are you dying to tell someone you love 'em? yes, but i'm not sure he feels the same way
5. Are you horny? not at all, just confused

Posted by Nik :: 10/06/2005 :: 0 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- Newfound Respect

Man, yesterday was so tiring! I got up and walked my mile,(yes, I am still excercising!) showered, got dressed, and headed to work! (Go, Me!) Those kids (not children) were so daggone bad. I wanted to scream. Never in my life have I witnessed children behaving (or misbehaving) in that manner. They were so disobedient. All they did was talk,talk,talk. They didn't call me out of my name or talk back; they just didn't listen. The last block was pretty good, though. We almost finished the assignment. A couple of them got out of hand, but not really. Yesterday, I really felt like talking about it, but now I don't. Just know that it was horrible.

Posted by Nik :: 10/06/2005 :: 0 Comments:

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