Incidents in the life of.....
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Unconscious Mutterings
Political:: colin powell
Concentration:: hard
Fish:: antoine
Lunacy:: tick
Red:: white
Imply:: implications
Recognize:: the problem
Sexist:: bastard
Commercial:: geiko
Stricken:: love
I am bored. I am at my cousin's apartment but she is sleep and there is nothing interesting on tv. I had fun last night. The stepshow was nice, not really worth the $10 I paid. Well I guess it was because I supported my ls. They looked so pretty and they stepped their butts off. They didn't win though. A band sorority won. I had never heard of them, but they were good. Their show was dry but the steps were on point. I don't know if we got cheated or not because TBS (I think) steps were the bomb, but all they did was step. They didn't have any emotion or anything. They were just going through the motions. Our steps were good, but we put emotion into it. Ha, I should be saying their and they. Maybe I feel like this because I know how hard they worked to win and they were so cute. It's okay though because it was their first show. There will be others. I'm just glad they had fun doing it.
After the show, I went to the hotel where my frats were. Everyone was drinking, but I didn't drink anything heavy. I had 2 fuzzy navels. That's not bad. Then we went to the party. I was really having a ball when two idiots decided they wanted to fight and got the party shut down. It was nothing drastic, just a fight. It wasn't a gang; there weren't any guns, just two fools fighting. At home they would have just escorted the people fighting to the patrol car. They would have went to jail. In a matter of minutes everything would have been forgotten. That wasn't the case last night. The lights came on. The DJ said "Thank you for coming. Goodnight." It was just that simple. I had fun while it lasted. I didn't pay to get in, so I didn't loose anything. Membership has its privileges. Today, they are having a picnic at the the frat house. I think I am going to check that out too, but only if the frats from my school go or some of my ls. I hope so. I like Alpha men.
I haven't mentioned Mr. Interesting lately. It's not because I haven't talked to him; he just doesn't come to my mind as I am typing. He did this time though. He's cool peeps. I like him. The conversations are so stimulating. I don't know why he feels comfortable telling me everything he does. He just opens up. I guess sometimes people just need someone to listen. We were talking about this girl, who spends an awful lot of time around him (she dates one of his friends) and out of the blue, he said Ashley I have told you more in a matter of days than I have told her in the last 2 years. He just talks and I listen. I tell him things too, but not like he tells me. I'm not that comfortable yet. He is definitely interesting if nothing else.
Posted by Nik ::
1/31/2004 ::
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Friday, January 30, 2004
AMAZING
It's amazing that after months of knowing I need to let go, I finally found the stregnth to do exactly that last night. It had been weighing heavily on my mind all day. He had been weighing heavily on my mind for months, slowly tearing me down. It's amazing how we know better but don't do better. It would be nice to say that I was naive, but was I really. The signs were there; I just chose to ignore them. Then God gave me the stregnth. It's amazing how we pray for things that we really don't want. I was praying for stregnth, but I don't think I really wanted it. Last night, I got it. Be careful for what you pray for because you just might get it. It was painful, but needed. I wanted to let go. I cannot keep torturing myself like I have been doing. I only wish I knew why I have such difficulty letting go. I really do not know. I cried last night, I know for at least a solid hour. Yeah I was in pain, but the crying was cathartic. The pain was slowing seeping out of my body. Sometimes all we really need is a good cry.
I have always heard that there is a thin line between love and hate. I did not fully understand it until hours ago. Amazingly, all the love I felt turned to hate in a matter of minutes. I know it's wrong, and I really am going to pray about it. But that is how I feel. I have never felt so much anger and disgust before in my life. I know it is not healthy and I know this person does not deserve all the time, energy, and effort that goes in to hating a person, but he is definitely getting it. Honestly, he didn't deserve me. I am not trying to be arrogant, but I know he will never as long as he lives find someone to put up with as much shit as I did and still love him. He won't. It's impossible. Last night for a breif second I actually wanted him to fall off the building. I caught myself though. I prayed about that one. I don't really want anything bad to happen to him, but I just want him out of my life. He is out of my life. There is no reason for communicating in any shape, form, or fashion. He's history. I am on my way to bigger and better things.
Posted by Nik ::
1/30/2004 ::
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Thursday, January 29, 2004
For some reason when I got to the caf my mood dampened. Actually, I know what it was, but I am wrong for feeling the way I did. So I will keep that part to myself. Anyway, I came to the lab, did some research on Song of Solomon for my senior paper, checked my e-mail and had the best e-mail. I had an e-mail from a woman at Brown University asking me to present my research at the end of next month. I was too thrilled. I enjoyed my research experience, but research is not what I want to do. However, I am more than willing to go share my experience and what I learned with others. They are willing to pay for my flight, lodging, and food. Yes, I WILL be there. I cannot wait. Anyway, it will give me a chance to get reacquainted with some of the people I met at Brown. I met a very intelligent and talented young lady when I was there and we just clicked. She was so smart. She ended up going to study at Oxford last semester. I haven't talked to her since she left, so I hope I can see her when I go to Brown. There was a professor that I liked as well. He was such a sweetheart. His entire family was so welcoming. His wife was from South Africa. I don't know why that is important, but it was. Probably because she was white. I know about apartheid and stuff like that, but to hear her talk about it kind of made me look at it differently. I am really looking forward to this. It seems like so many opportunities are just being thrown in my lap. I am overwhelmed, but I am taking advantage of each and every one of them. God is truly blessing me.
Posted by Nik ::
1/29/2004 ::
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The forum was great. The panelist were fantastic. It was such a diverse group of women:two professors, a lawyer, special asst. to the president, a student, and coach, age 60 something to 20 something, graduates of schools such as Tougaloo, Spellman, and Columbia, all sharing what they believe to be a woman's worth. They were great. All had different experiences and words of wisdom to share. Through it all, they overcame all of the adversity and proved to be the best in their field.
After the forum I went to an intramural basketball game. I have been here almost four years and that was the first time I had been to a game. Mr. Interesting asked me to come see him play. Ha!!! I figured it was the least I could do since he came to the forum. He had a horrible game. I assume he was just having a bad night because he is team captain, so they must have had faith in him. I made him nervous. J/k He called and apologized for his horrible performance. I really enjoy talking to this young man.
Yesterday, I had lunch with two very unique and intelligent people. When I sat down, they were talking about the blues and jazz. The conversation then went to Blacks and our progressions, then to people "jiving rather than striving." You know the ones who claim to be for the betterment of the race, but are all talk, the ones who don't practice what they preach, the bullshitters. Then we began to talk about personality traits and flaws. No one really wants to hear about their flaws, but the conversation was interesting. It's nice to know how others perceive you. It can be beneficial when it is said in the right way or in the right circumstances. K.C. said I lack tact. That was new to me. I would have never thought. Ha. It was interesting, but that's her opinion. I am starting to realize that I value people's opinions more than I used to. Most people's opinion don't matter, but KC's does. When they told me I have an attitude, I just contributed it to the fact that they don't really know me. I don't have an attitude. But KC, on the other hand,does. So that is something I truly am going to have to work on. Be patient with me chick!!!
Yesterday on my way to African American History, I was praying that he wasn't there. I walked in, and my hopes were shattered. I sat down. He told us to break ourselves into groups of 5-7. I didn't know anyone in the class, so I let them break into groups so I could choose one. I looked around and saw a group of freshman holding the articles and talking. I assumed they were talking about the articles so I joined them. They were actually discussing who was going to be the leader since no one read the articles. As soon as I sat down, they said she looks like she read the articles. I didn't want to upset them. I just smiled, neither confirmed nor denied. I actually hadn't. I asked them if I could see theirs bc I left mine in the room. I scanned it for 2 secs and said I would be the leader. Ha. So I skimmed through the articles and listened to the little girl talk about them. Dr. W. said time up and asked which group was going first. No one said anything. I said I will. I got up, did my presentation and sat down. When I finished everyone clapped. It was good, especially since I had looked over it for only 10 minutes. As I was walking back to my seat, all of my group members were smiling. They were proud of me. As I was talking I knew I was doing well, but to see the look of approval on their faces was the best. One of the little boys, who is so cute, said we are going to get an A. I was so pleased. But I think they thought I read because my hair was pinned up and I had on a blazer. I enjoyed it either way.
Now I must go off to tutor this young lady in physics. Tata for now.
Posted by Nik ::
1/29/2004 ::
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Wednesday, January 28, 2004
CONVERSATIONS
I have had three very interesting conversations within the last twelve hours. The first was with a freshman. It was actually funny but I had to suppress it because she was really nervous, actually she was scared. There is this guy who calls every room on campus trying to talk to girls. He calls all the time and makes lewd comments, most of the time sexually. Well anyway, he called her and she entertained him. He told her that he knew her and started describing "her." He gave her a very basic description. She agreed. He told her she gave him her number at a club. Poor baby doesn't even go to clubs. Then he told her he saw her on the yard and someone gave him her number. She starts to panic because he knows how she looks and where she goes to school. Then her roommate, just as naive, starts calling her name. So now he knows her name. She tried to play it off and told him her name was "Laura" but her name is on the voicemail. He called her back and asked why she lied. Anyway, the story goes on. So me being me, I called him. The voicemail picked up but I didn't catch the voice. A girl calls back I tell her I was looking for Deidra. She tells me I have the wrong number. At about 3 am the dude calls back. I immediately recognize the voice. It's the same guy who calls me. He asks who I was looking for. I lie. Then he say's what your name. I cannot lie because I know he heard my voice message when he called 30 seconds prior from a private number and I didn't answer. So I tell him. He thinks he knows me bc my voice sounds familiar. (THINKING: I guess it does when you hear it every night because you need to grow up and stop playing on the phone. Can't say it bc then he would know what school I attend.) So I just say I doubt it because I dialed the wrong number. The he asks what school I attend and where I work. PSYCHO I tell him I had the wrong number and hang up. I hope he doesn't call anymore. Now I can tell my poor friend not to worry. She is going to be so relieved because she said she was going to report him because he was scaring her. She has his phone number and knows his voice. I hope she feels better after I tell her.
The next occurred about an hour after I talked to "Laura." It was from this guy that I am interested in. How interested has yet to be determined. We talked for 2 hours about everything, from school to food to greekdom to relationships to family. I really enjoy talking to him. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm not expecting anything. I will just let the chips fall where they choose. He seems shy, very funny. He loves Mexican, just like me. He has three sisters, so he knows a little more than most guys. I haven't decided if that is good or bad. I like him though. He's interesting.
Then my phone rang at 834 am. I was thinking who is this calling. Everyone that I deal with knows that I do not get up that early. I started not to answer, but I didn't recognize the number. I was so shocked to hear one of my former professors on the phone. She got my number from one of my classmates. She was calling me about a job offer. I am super interested. If I get it, it means I don't have to relocate. It was interesting because we did not get off to the best start. She really bothered me because she kept saying "irregardless." I know its colloquial, but it is not a word and you are the teacher. One day I told her it was bothering me. I was nice about it. She argued me down. It made me more upset when she said it was a derivation of irregular. If it was a word it would be a derivation of regard. Then another day she was trying to explain something and she was using The Color Purple as an example. It was a horrible example and one of my classmates said I am tired of The Color Purple. She thought it was me. She said Ashley, what's your favorite color? Unsuspectingly, I said orange. She said, well from now on it's purple. I was like whoa, where did that come from. Anyway, class progressed and I really began to like her. I got comfortable and began to talk all the time. Every time she asked a question or made a comment I had something to say, mainly because I am opionated (and I guess verbose!). She liked me. She has a lot of faith in my ability too. So anyway, I called the guy about the job. He wasn't in. I left my contact info with the secretary. Then I called my professor back and told her. We talked for about 10, 15 minutes. JUST TALKING I really enjoyed conversing with her, even though it was brief. She told me to call her anytime I needed to talk, professionally or personally. I will too.
I am so glad I talked to her. I was just thinking about how we have the crabs in the barrel syndrome. Then her she comes to help pull one of the crabs out of the barrel. I'm going willingly. That's why I want to teach. I love teachers. They are truly a blessing in more ways than one. I hope to one day be a combination of all the wonderful teachers I have had. I have truly been blessed. I cannot wait to one day help my students like she did. Even if the job fails through, I feel blessed because she thought enough of Ashley and her ability to recommend her. People risk their reputation by doing that. She must think I am one with great ethics and ability. I will forever remember this. Thanks Soror.
I am sure today is going to be a great day. My profesor called with a job offer. The forum is tonight. The illustrious ladies are always doing something, being supreme in service to all mankind. The forum is titled Celebrating a Woman's Worth. I have a feeling it is going to be the bomb. Everything we do is the bomb. Then, hopefully, the culmination of my day will be the conversation with Mr. Interesting.
Posted by Nik ::
1/28/2004 ::
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Tuesday, January 27, 2004
I just received good news. My brother got his appeal. No thanks to me. He did it all on his on. I am sooo proud of him. He should have never put himself in that position, but his correction on his own shows a lot of maturation. I am so proud of him. I know it was responsibility to right his wrong on his own, but that is something he never does. Mainly because my mom thinks someone is supposed to save him,or rather thinks I am supposed to save him. All I had to do was give him some money to move back into the dorm. He'll pay me back eventually. The rest he did on his own, wrote the appeal, argued his case to the board, and he won. I'm happy. I digress.
Posted by Nik ::
1/27/2004 ::
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SO MANY THOUGHTS
I guess I should start with the news issues. First something positive, the little boy(well he about to turn 17 now) who killed the girl wrestling is about to be freed. I am so glad. I don't know what he was thinking. Why was he torturing her like that? I don't think he meant to kill her, but I am sure he knew he was hurting her. It's just so sad. His mother should have taken the plea bargain. I really don't know what she was thinking. Her son killed a little girl and she thought he was going to walk free. PSYCHO I'm just happy he is free though. I hope he gets counseling. I'm sure he learned his lesson, but being in prison three years had to have upset his mental state. But for him to do that, I wonder what his mental state was.
In other news, another psycho stabbed her 1-year-old daughter in the back and left her in the snow. What the hell? I only wonder what could have been on her mind. The little girl wasn't even dead. She just left her there, in a school yard at that. I am hoping she was suffering from post partum depression. Then we could say it was psychological. I hope she didn't just wake up and decide she didn't want the child. That would be horrible. Well, the whole act is heinus, but damn. What was she thinking? You just never know these days.
Why are we going to Mars? I am not criticizing exploration, but there is too much going on on Earth. Hell, too much in the U.S. If Bush wanted to spend money let him spend it here. What is going to Mars going to help? Nothing. Put some money into the school system. Help find a cure for AIDS. Give more funds to legislatures to find strategies to decrease crime. Provide scholarships. There is too much going on in our backyard to explore Mars. What the hell?
................................
In my African American politics class, the prof asked what was the difference between American politcs and African American politics. I didn't have an answer, not a tangible one at least. I know there is a difference, but I couldn't and cannot articulate it. One guy, who I think is very intelligent but doesn't use his intellect, said it all has to do with the conditions in which we brought over here. I agree completely. Our mindset is still a result of slavery and the way we were treated. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one for "The white man is our problem." I think we are only as oppressed as we allow ourselves to be. It's our fault we haven't made more progress. Perhaps if we would stop criticizing one another and trying to help each other, then we would be better off. Sometimes it seems as if we just sit back and wait on someone to slip so that we can say, I told you so. If we see someone about to fall, maybe we should stop to try to help them. We need to start loving ourselves as a race instead of trying to destroy the race.
The question made me wonder why us. Of all the people in the world, why did they choose Africans? I'm past the paganism/Christianity thing. I know that wasn't it. I am passed the "they were lazy thing." Ok, maybe we were "pagan." Yeah we were polytheistic. Yes, they were definitely lazy. But that doesn't answer the question. Why Africans. I'm sure they weren't the only ones who didn't worship Christ. Why didn't they go to Ireland or Greece or somewhere to find labor? I'm not saying they should have, but why not? There were Native Americans right here. Why not them? Well, I guess that's a simple one. The Natives knew the land and could escape. Why didn't we put up more of a fight? I know some did, but why didn't more? Then, once we were here and outnumbering them, why not join together and revolt. Again, I know about the Denmark Vesseys who really tried. I just don't understand how we could be in bondage so many years.
But we are free now, in some aspects and we are making a difference. I realize that there is still a lot to be done, but it will not happen over night. We are making strides. We have our own schools, hospitals, boutiques, churches, and resteraunts. I'm proud of us. I'm not saying I support segregation or racism, but I am proud of the black race. I am proud of the Condeleeza Rices, Colin Powells, Carol Mosley Brauns, Harvey Johnson, Berverly Hogans, Toni Morrisons, John Lewises, all of those who are striving to make a difference. Kudos to all of the future black leaders:politicians, teachers, lawyers, surgeons, pharmacists, doctors, psychologists, principals, insurance agents, everyone.
OK I guess I have released everything on my mind. I digree. I'm going to find the article about the little girl so I can read more on it. I saw it on Fox News. Then I'm going to Pizza Hut!
Posted by Nik ::
1/27/2004 ::
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Monday, January 26, 2004
Sunday was eventful. My line sisters and I celebrated BDO's Founder's Day wit them. Everything about the program was nice. The GO quartet was by far the best act. I had never heard the Greek melody and Courtney did a wonderful job of playing it, but I am sure she was out of breath. A reception was held after that, then on to the chapter meeting. It was terribly long but eneventful. I don't really think we got anything accomplished. I could be saying that because I was in a bad mood, but I doubt it because the meeting is what put me in a bad mood. It was funny though. My line sisters never cease to amaze me with their bright ideas and comments.
I just finished this paper on Atobiography. The paper is well-written but it doesn't say much. That's one of the beauties of being an English major.
The party Saturday was the best. I had a blast. I think everyone did. Jameka probably won't invite us to her house again. I wouldn't. It was fun though. It gave me a chance to get to know people on another level. That was both good and bad. Sometimes you only want to know one side of people, that way you can always say that he or she is a good person. I talked to people I had never had a real conversation with before, so that was a plus. And I left the room on a Saturday night. I needed that. I don't really remember the last time I spent a Saturday night with friends. So that was a plus too.
I have been watching the events for the 2004 election and I really want Dean to be victorious, but it seems unlikely. I think people are going to vote for Kerry just because he won the Iowa caucus. I don't really know if they are paying attention to what he is saying. I also hope people aren't basing their vote on the celebrity endorsements. I think they are good only for finances. I can kind of understand why you would vote for someone if he was endorsed by Clinton or another politician, but Sheen is a different story. He's an actor. I'm not saying actors don't pay attention to politics, but what does who (hypothetically) Whitney Houston votes for have to with anything.
I digress because I have to go to class.
Posted by Nik ::
1/26/2004 ::
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Saturday, January 24, 2004
It's raining. It's not raining hard, but it's raining. BDO was supposed to have a barbeque today, but I think it was cancelled. I am supposed to be sitting under the dryer. One of my friends just rolled my hair. Thank God because I needed it. One of my line sisters is having a party tonight. I really hate going into the rain but I am going to go because I love Jameka. She is the best. I am sure I will enjy it.
The play was a success. The audience liked it, so I guess that is all that matters. Keysha said we did well. She was smiling. That's a plus. I'm glad I participated; it gave me an opportunity to spend time with my line sisters. It also allowed me a chance to get to know the Sorors at JState. After the play, older Sorors got up and told of their undergraduate experiences. It was good to see the smiles on their faces as they recounted events that occured decades ago. They didn't really go into detail, but I am sure they had hard times. Despite the difficulty, they are still active and love their Sorority. One woman "was made" in the fifties and she is still going strong. She said she has been active all but five years since she was initiated. That is wonderful.
I guess that is about it. I am going to sit under this dryer and read some more of Johnson's Autobiography.
Posted by Nik ::
1/24/2004 ::
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Friday, January 23, 2004
Guess what the genius did!!! I was trying to change the security code on my phone and ended doing something, what I do not know, but it read enter PUK code. I just turned it off because I knew I had messed up. I had only heard PUK code when one of Soror's little brother did it to her phone and she was pissed. I knew it was nothing I could do. I just turned it off and went to sleep. I got up early this morning and went to AT&T. They gave me a 1-888 number. I called it and now everything is peachy. Thank God. I thought I was going to need a new SIM card. I digress.
The play is tonight and I am excited. I hope what I am wearing is fine. I meant to ask Keysha earlier but she seemed a bit rushed. So we'll just cross our fingers! Last night's rehearsal was the best. Everyone seemed so relaxed and comfortable. There was a lot of ad libbing, which made it even funnier. I'm starting to like the girls from the other chapter as well. It was never a dislike, but I never liked them either. I guess they were just there. Maybe some other Sorors from their chapter will show up tonight to support them. I just hope their priority isn't going to the step show, but you never know.
Last night after rehearsal my line sisters were practicing this song they have to sing for Sunday and they sounded great. One of my LS was playing the piano and cueing everyone to come in. They were really harmonizing. We have such a diverse and talented group of ladies. I am so proud of my oraganization! :)
Well, off I go to finish reading Autobiography of an Ex-Colored Man by James Weldon Johnson. I must add, that it is a good read for those who haven't read it.
Posted by Nik ::
1/23/2004 ::
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Thursday, January 22, 2004
Unconscious Mutterings
Berry:: juice
Fiendish:: friends
Bar:: liquor
Frank:: honest
Bend:: what
Fanatic:: mtv
Belch:: yuck
Flagrant:: fragrance
Burden:: lay my burden down
Flimsy:: comb
Posted by Nik ::
1/22/2004 ::
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OK, it took me forever to figure out how to write in this thing. I guess the first thing I should write is that I am a bit on the slow side! Ha. Anyway, I am having a beautiful day. I did a lot of things today that I have been putting off. I finally completed the app for Big Brothers Big Sisters. I am really excited about that. I need to start going to the Bethlehem Center. I decided that I am going next Thursday. I like little children, even though all my friends say I don't work well with them. I started this blog, which I have been wanting to do ever since Ranada started hers. I was kind of apprehensive about strangers reading my thoughts, but wth? It really won't matter. I finally went to get the fee waiver for Praxis II. However, Mrs. Morris wasn't there. She's gone out of town, so I will have to get it tomorrow when she gets back. I went to Shakespear. I should note that I am not his biggest fan, hell I am not a fan at all. I do not like him. I don't know why I just don't. I also started trying to look for a letter of appeal for my brother. Long story. He asked me to do it before school started and I just got around to it. I tried to stick to the New Year's resolution, but it didn't work. Sorry Ranada. It was a good idea, just a little difficult.
I finally told this guy why I don't deal with him anymore. He asked why I never mentioned it before and I said because you never asked. It wasn't one of those life or death situations so it didn't really matter. I also made a vow not to call a specific person and I called anyway. That sux major, but oh well.
I have been saying "nicca" a lot lately and it bothers me but I keep on saying it. I am sure its a phase, just like idiot and jerk.
I should mention that I am in a play. Keysha's directing. She's not too thrilled about her actresses though. People have been slacking. Not me though. I like this play, I just wish I was a better actress. I do not put enough emotion in it. Keysha says I'm getting better. I guess it's because I know my lines. But sometimes when I put emotion into it, it's the wrong emotion. It's this one particular line that I really like. When I said it they were like "I hate you are trying to haze her." So I changed it and they said "sorry try again." So I guess I am going to just say it in regular Ashley voice, which is not very emotional.
Oh yeah, back to the Big Sisters thing. There is a question on there that asks if you could change one thing about yourself what would it be. I didn't have an answer because I am perfect. ;) Anyway, I asked three of my ls and each one of them said I need to change my attitude. Ha. I do not think I have an attitude; I do, however, have a very smart mouth and at times I can be a teeny bit stubborn, especially when I am right. ;) But an attitude is too harsh. I ended up writing I would be less opinionated. I need to work on that, but I won't. Ha!
I think I've covered it all. I am going to try to keep this up, I just hope I don't get addicted.
Posted by Nik ::
1/22/2004 ::
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OK I just set this thing up, but I really do not have time to type anything for real. I am going to be late for class.
Posted by Nik ::
1/22/2004 ::
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