Wednesday, February 13, 2013

A swift kick in the ass

The past two and half years have been hellacious. I hate law school. I'm pretty sure it's not where I attend school, but the process of law school. It stresses me to the max and leaves me with bouts of depression. I've lost a large amount of my faith in the justice system (I didn't start with much). Because of this, I've lost my desire to practice, which leaves me trying to figure out what the hell to do with the rest of my life. I think I want to write the laws. It seems so much better to write them than to defend or repudiate them. However, I am worried that I have too much fight in me to push paper. I keep telling myself that there is a need for education and immigration reform and I would be love being a part of the team to actually reform the systems. Also, talk of drones gets me going. I love it! So, perhaps I would like working with Homeland Security. BUT I DON'T KNOW. I FEEL LOST! I tell everyone that even if I did practice, I would never practice criminal law, but frankly, nothing else excites me. I have thoroughly enjoyed my Trial Advocacy class and my Pre-Trial Criminal Law boot camp. I loved it. I rocked it. I kicked ass and took names. One of my friends approached me and said, "Word on the street is no one wants to argue against you!" Talk about an ego-boost. So, maybe, just maybe, I'm running from my calling. So, aside from the fun (though I know it is not a game. People's lives are at stake in the real world) I had in my practical courses, I don't want to take the bar. I don't want to practice, so why? Right? Right. (Keep telling yourself that, Nicole.) Did I mention the bar terrifies me? No? I could have sworn I did. Finally, I admit it. I'm scared shitless. My biggest fear has always been failure, hence not applying for law school until I was 27. So, here comes the Bar Exam, looming over my head, forcing me to face the possibility of failure again, just when I have finally learned to float in the hell hole called law school. (I'm definitely not swimming.) What if I can't pass? What if I spend thousands of dollars on bar prep and still don't pass. Worse, what if I fail the character and fitness? Terrified. So, yesterday, I got a call from my mentor. TW: I need your help. Nik: Yes, ma'am? TW: Don't ma'am me. That's your way of saying you don't like me. Nik: No! I'm a southerner. That's what we do. I love you. TW: Yeah, oh kay. Nik: (smiling) ok, I remember. I won't ma'am you. TW: Do you know Gary Tyler? Nik: No. I've never heard of him. TW: That's the problem with law schools. They spend all this time teaching you textbook and you know nothing about what is going on in your jurisdiction. This man is in your backyard. Do you where Destrahan is? Nik: Yes. TW: Where is it? Nik: It's south of me. TW: How far? Nik: About 30 minutes, depending on traffic. TW: Well, look up Gary Tyler. Call me back with someone I can contact to help him. And find out how much Louisiana pays people who are wrongfully convicted. Goodbye. Nik: WAIT! (sighs bc I realize it's pointless) Goodbye. I called her back today with the name and number of a judge who did death penalty work before being appointed to the bench and who has also overturned death penalty verdicts. I also gave her the number of one of my professors. Needless to say, it wasn't good enough. She wanted someone black (and perhaps male as well). Because what I gave her wasn't enough, she needs to know when I am taking the bar. I told her February to buy me some time. She's 70 years old, far from stupid and saw right through it! (That's why I love her.) She went off. She said, "This isn't about you. Who cares if you like it or not? Who cares? This isn't about you. This is about Elizabeth. This is about your mother who is raising Elizabeth. This is about me. I should have hung up on you the first time I talked to you." I interrupted and said, "You did!" She continued her rant. "I should have hung up on you when you called me back. I should have had you killed you the first time I saw you in that hotel in Atlanta. You don't listen to anything I say. You are going to listen today. You are taking the July bar, not February. I will have D'Wayne call you. The Texas bar is easy. You will take it and you will not fail it." I mumbled a yes ma'am. Perhaps I don't want to practice. The jury is still out. Eleven say don't practice, but there's that stubborn one. So, in case that one sways the other 11 later in life, I will get barred. And I need to save myself from TW! She never lets me make it! She's right this time, like all the other times. This isn't about me. Packing up and leaving my comfy job was never about me. It was always about Elizabeth. Texas Bar in July it is. :)
Posted by Nik :: 2/13/2013 :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, June 26, 2011

Countdown to 30

For the past, say 4 months, I have been anxious about my 29th birthday. Reason one: Last year, I decided never to go another year without celebrating my birthday. Two: I knew I was coming back to Texas. Most importantly, I'm closer to 30!!! So, for the next 365 days, I'll post one thing for which I am grateful. If I build the gall, I'll post my Thirty while 30 list after this.

365 days: It's Father's Day, so I'm grateful for the men in my life and all they've done to shape me. TC for teaching me to ride a bike, Daddy for showing me at 15 that I really can talk to him about anything, my other Daddy for that look he gets when we talk about law school that silently says he's proud of me, Uncle Joseph and Red for looking out for me financially while at Tougaloo, Uncle Timmy for making sure I never went hungry, never fell victim to one of his friends, and getting my first job while at Tougaloo, Mac for truly being my brother from another mother, Morrie for his honesty and acceptance, Travis for teaching me that I was not ready to be a Mom, Brandon for letting me know how it feels to love and be loved, Stephen for my constant pursuit of happiness, Yancy for the flowers, Kerry for showing me the signs, Marcus for showing me the game in its rawest form, and Thomas Prince for giving me the greatest joy this world has to offer. I love each of you dearly.

364 days: As I sit in this desolate airport preparing for my trip home, I am grateful for my friends and the success they have found throughout the South: Birmingham, Atlanta, Dallas, Jackson, Mobile, Houston, New Orleans, PASCAGOULA! I'm grateful that they can rejoice with me without being envious, admonish me without being judgmental, lament without feeling sorry, forgive without holding grudges, laugh with and at me. I am grateful for those who have traveled with me from Mississippi to Texas to Louisiana, for their faith in me as a student and teacher, for the nights I've spent in their beds and on their couches, for the random road trips, for the birthday and shower gifts, for letting me cry on their shoulders and phone lines, for the pep talks when I wanted to quit law school, for being just as happy as I was about keeping my scholarship, for the moments I realize they were right and I was (semi) wrong. I am grateful for bonds that continue to grow despite distance and time. Thank you for loving and supporting me unconditionally. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful FRIENDS!

363 days: Today I'm grateful for finishing that first year of law school. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I don't think I'd ever had so little faith in self. I'd never cried about school the way I did this year. I'd never depended on others to help keep me focused. I'd never been happy about so many Bs. I'd never had a report card with NO As. I'd never stayed up 24 hours studying. I'd never drank so many energy drinks. I'd never spent the night in the school lobby. It was hard, in every way imaginable. Yet, I made it. Not only did I make it, I conquered it. I lost a few battles, but I definitely won the war. I kicked @$$. And yes, I'm patting myself on the back, tooting my own horn, and walking with my nose in the air. I deserve it. I thank God for the opportunity. I thank Him for Ash giving me money towards my LSAT prep class, for allowing Dwayne to encourage me, for Mrs. Williams having me in tears for missing the CLEO deadline, for Mrs. Williams's constant e-mails, for my scholarship, for my mom, sister, granny, and Aunt Carla keeping my woman when I couldn't, for Meka talking to me that day I broke down and barely made it to class, for Keysh asking me too many times how was school (even though the answer was always 'I HATE IT!'), for Lissa constantly reminding me about OUR lawyer money, for my Pastor and his explanation of fasting, my Daddy for that $2,000 for my tuition, for other Daddy making me call a shrink (It didn't help, but I didn't have the heart to tell him.), for Dean Netherton pissing me off and forcing me to say I have no other option but to succeed, for Dr. Matambanazdo telling me there is a balance and everyone goes through this, for Polyester front for always Zgiving us a good laugh, for my study partners (Rachel, Editha, Kesha, Anthony, and Brian), for Olivia getting Friedman's book for me, for the random attorney who told me shake that shit off and its supposed to be hard and to get over it, for Prof. Friedman for being the best law professor ever and pushing me even when I didn't think there was much left, for Prof. Hancock's bathtub analogy, and finally, for Shawna and Amanda for walking with me every step of the way, listening to me complain about life and school, laughing at my crazy perspectives on the plight of the race and politics and New Orleans, for keeping me on track when I really wanted to be on Facebook, for trading outlines and notes, for helping me find the free food, for letting me have my moment after the computer fiasco that had me thinking I was gonna have to take Civ Pro over, and for just being my rocks. I am grateful for every blessing that has been bestowed upon me.

362 Days: Since we just finished our family meeting, I'm grateful for those who were with me day in and day out as I grew up. Thanks for the unconditional love, constant laughs, brutal arguments, and kept secrets. I am who I am, good and bad, because of your influence. I remember sitting in Ma's favorite Chinese restaurant with Morrie and reflecting on childhood. I realized that we were not as well off as I thought, but we were better than a lot of people. The only thing I remember wanting and not getting is a Sazuki moped! That says a lot. I'm grateful for a happy childhood and sharing it with you guys. I'm grateful for memories like 5 for $5 Whoppers, boiled water, knowing I had at least four Christmas gifts, lipstick on the mirror, Sunday meetings, family bike rides, growing up in a house rather than an apartment, being scared to sit in the living room, and getting excited about the Swan man. I have more to say, but I have special days I am going to devote to each of you. MUAH

361 days: Today, I am grateful for all of the experiences in which I have taken the high road. It's nice feeling like I'm the bigger person. However, I'm grateful for all the laughs I got for being the smarter person. Tonight, I'm gonna try to combine those two and reach a happy medium. I'm not gonna use my intellect to make anyone cry, but I'm not big enough to let it pass. I'm grateful for self composure in the worst of times. I'm a work in progress.

360 days: Today, I am grateful for Mister (even though he's tripping right now!). I'm thankful because he reminded me of what it felt like to reeealllllllyyy like someone, the kind of like that has no regard for socioeconomic status, outer beauty, or the past, the kind that is formed over hour long conversations and good meals, the kind that makes you fall asleep on the phone (you hang up, no you hang up, on three we hang up), the kind of like that has you sending good morning texts. It's what I had been missing for about two years. I'm thankful for every "good luck" and each "how do you think you did." I'm grateful for his ability to hold intelligent conversation about any subject. I'm grateful for someone with whom to discuss and argue the case book, aside from those sitting in class. I appreciate (though I didn't expect anything less) the "how is Lizzie" and "you talk to Lizzie today" and the "what's going on with Vee." Genuine concern for those I care about is a rarity. It's easy to feign concern to keep someone in your corner; actually wanting to know and praying/hoping for the best are totally different. I'm grateful for his ability (though not the harshness) to say, No, Ash, you're wrong and I'm gonna always tell your when you when you're wrong, yet in the same breath say he's on my side. I recognize that he's not perfect and this was/is only for a season, but I'm bidding my time until that last leaf falls.


359 Days: As death stares me in the face, I'm grateful for life and having five strong living generations of family. (Sorry, it's too many of ya'll to tag for this one!) I'm also grateful for brief moments of blissful ignorance. I kinda wish I could grab hold of one of those moments now.

358 Days: I had my heart broken into a million tiny peices by a selfish bastard. Oops, let me try this again. My heart was broken by a man I had no idea capable. At one point we were good, great actually. There was nothing we couldn't talk about, no pain he felt that I didn't share, no joyous occasions that my heart didn't celebrate with him. No arguing. No fussing. No fighting. Good, wholesome debate. I have so many good memories: one involving my car and a tag (that was the first assertion of boldness), one involving a gun (I would've never let him use it, but I was grateful he wanted to), dinner at Pappadeaux, text messages trying to outwit each other (those came back to bite him in the ass, CRAWFISH (!!!!), missing panties, going to sleep on his chest and waking up in the exact same spot, passionate kisses and tight hugs, the look in his eyes when he talked about the loss of his child, his promise to vote for Obama, the shock on his face that day I announced in a large crown that I didn't sleep him the night before, his desire to break into the music world, the many days I went over and all he had were noodles and frozen pizza, the day his roommate walked in on us, the night I found his keys, picking him up from the airport, the day he let me smoke, the countless times we broke his bed, laughing at DWayne's lies.
Though these memories are quite "delightful," they are overshadowed by the day he left my stranded. I would have never done to him what he did to me. I thought we were so much better than that. Apparently not. I have yet to forgive him for the pain he caused. Nor have I figured out to deal with it. However, he had to leave because honestly, I never would have. I was happy. I had reasons to let him go, but none compelling enough for me to actually do it. So in all actuality, he did me a favor.
For the past few years, I have been trying to find all the pieces he scattered into the wind. Some I have recovered; some I haven't. This morning, I decided to surrender those to the wind and connect the peices I have already gathered. For that I am grateful. Get well soon, Heart. I'll be waiting.
357 days: Today I am grateful for a praying grandma. I saw some interesting people today. My grandma prayed and praised and prayed. We left my grandma's house and went to the hospital. She prayed some more. It reminded me of those times when we were little and she'd line us up along the bed and we had to pray (for hours). I'm grateful that somebody (ie Cora Lee) prayed for me.
356 days: I missed it. Sorry!

355 days: Today I am grateful for my woman. (Dag, I miss her!) I'm grateful for her showing me that it's possible to love someone you've never met, grateful for the kisses on the lips, and I love you Mommy's. I'm grateful for her beautiful face and brilliant mind. I miss the 'Mommy, I want you' even though I'm right in her face. I miss her spelling her name 'Eli Zab Eth Elizabeth.' I'm grateful for her being my motivation. Had I never met her, I'd probably still be teaching. Had I never met her, I wouldn't know love that requires nothing but my presence. I reaaaalllllyyy miss my woman. I'm grateful God gave her to me. I don't know what I did to deserve such a blessing of such magnitude.

354 days: Today was the last day of my first legal job. It was a rewarding experience like no other. I am grateful for a woman of her status taking a chance on me, a perfect stranger with a less than desirable gpa. I appreciate all of the explanations, patience, and introductions. I am grateful for her paralegal taking the time to teach me the basics and reminding me that I don't have to be perfect. I am so grateful for whatever it is that they see in me.

353 days: Today we buried my grandmother's husband. (My grandfather died many moons ago.) I am convinced he loved my grandmother and her family. In his honor, I am grateful for all of the men and women in my family who are helping raise children who are not theirs. Thank you for recognizing and accepting the package deal. I'm waiting on him who accepts me and my perfect package.

352 days: Today, I am grateful for being able to attend Essence. The freebies were an added bonus. I got to see a showman, Kanye West, perform and it was jaw dropping. Never have I seen someone enjoy his calling so much. I pray that I am as in love with my career as he appears to be with his.

351 days: Today I am grateful for the small step I took for Motherhood! You gals would be proud. :).

350 days: Today, I'm grateful for meeting family members on my dad's side of the family. Honestly, once I get past my first cousins, it's a struggle identifying people. Today's barbecue softened the struggle a little. I can't dwell on the past, but I pray our futures are closely intertwined. It was a pleasure.

349 days: Today I'm grateful for people in high places. I'm feeling almost invincible!

348 days: Today I'm grateful for Redbox! Best idea ever!

347 days: Today I'm grateful for strong matriarchal lineage. I love each of you from Mama Liza to Londyn. You have showed me that it's possible to work/ go to school and raise my child(ren), to have a man that truly loves me unconditionally, get by on a hope and prayer, and to be comfortable in my own skin. From you I have learned to pray fervently, forgive when it hurts, and accept ugly truths. Londyn reminds me that women really are the strength of this family. She's the smaller of the two, yet she's the one who got to leave with her Mommy. It is a sheer pleasure to share genealogy with such a beautiful group of women.

346 days: I missed it.

345 days: Today, I'm grateful for the little money I do have. I'm grateful for having friends that I'd be willing to spend my last in order to offer some minimal amount of support. I love you chick. The best I have is my presence.

344 days: Today I'm grateful that it's not my turn to carry this cross. I don't know if I could.

343 days: Today I'm grateful for some resemblance of normalcy. I'm grateful for my bestie's stregnth. I'm grateful for her intellect, passion, faith, ambition, candor, and ability to write. I'm grateful that God reveals things in due time. I'm grateful for having someone with whom I can travel physically, emotionally, and mentally.

343 days: Today I'm grateful for my middle brother and his family. I walked in the house this morning and Morrie was teaching two-year old Junior how to write his name. Priceless. When Aubree brought Kayden and Michael home, they had so much to share about their day. I'm grateful for artculate children who know are still children. I'm grateful for Aubree holding it down.
::I'm gonna fill in the days as best I can tomorrow.::

Today I'm grateful for my parents' grandchildren. I'm grateful that Sani has read the entire Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, that Maya is the most precocious kid I know, that Michael plays select baseball, that Mimi is extra-excitable and dramatic, that Madi's hair is longer than Texas, that Kayden can tell you what happened in Charlotte's Web, the book version, that Caleb knows he's the man, that Jr. always has a smile and a toy for TeeTee (Ms.) Ashley, that Lizzie recognizes 'hi' in the word children, and that we finally got to meet Malichi. I'm grateful that those middle girls are two weeks apart. They have a special relationship that is beautiful to watch as it matures. No matter how long it has been since they've seen each other, they play like it's been 20 seconds. It'll be interesting to watch Maya as she grows up. She's clearly the smartest person in her grade and one of the best softball players in the state (not exaggerating, check her out), but she has a hood side to her that I imagine was semi-inevitable. I don't know what to say about Caleb and Lizzie. If they could be joined at the hip they would. They're a cross between Ike and Tina and master and minion, each taking turns on the role he or she wants to play. Overall, I'm just glad to call them ours. My siblings and I are raising some beautiful children, despite all of the obstacles we face in parenthood.

Today, I am grateful for being able to take my baby swimming and to the park and to play at Chick-fil-A and to the movies. I'm grateful that I know the importance of education and have patience and knowledge to teach her. I'm grateful for being willing to sleep on a pallet bc she wants to sleep in the living room. I'm grateful for motherhood.

I made Jell-O for the first time today. Peach. As I tasted it, I couldn't help but think of my great-great grandma and that big silver bowl she made Jell-O in. I remember my grandma making jell-o, drinking coffee, letting me lick the bowl after she made a cake, and eating Thousand Island and cottage cheese.I'm grateful for being Lisa and Ashla, for being hit across the back with a broom, for watching Grimlins with my cousins, for tying rubberbands on panties that were too big, and for my memories. I am truly blessed to have known and loved and be loved by my great-great grandma. I love you, Mama Liza. May my Liza live to be as loving and loved as you.

Today, I'm grateful for the Word and relaxation.

Today, I'm grateful for good conversation. I had a two-hour conversation with another female about stuff that matters. I ignored four calls, at least two of them important, for that convo! Such a rarity!

Today, I am grateful for not taking simple things seriously. I'm glad that i form my own opinions of people. I'm thankful for the clarity that comes from 29 years of living.

As school approaches, I'm grateful that her hair is braided and Jalisa told me to iron our clothes for the week. Our mornings will be so simple now.

Today, I am grateful for the judge, her clerks, and secretary. Lunch was great, and I gained valuable insight for my political future. The first thing you need to do once you decide to run for office is clean up your mess. Hire somebody to dig up the dirt. There are things out there that you won't even know about. Clean it up.

Today, I am grateful for Judge's faith in my ability. God just keeps showing me favor. Judge has been asking me if could work during the fall since the first week I started. (Nevermind there was another summer clerk.) I've been telling I'm not sure just as long. It wasn't that I didn't want to, for this has been an invaluable experience (not to mention resume booster!). My hesistation was due to my woman being in NOLA this year. I really (mentally) struggled last year, and barely kept my scholarship. I wasn't sure I could commit to working for her, being a student, and making sure I put in quality time with me woman. Judge is amazing and has so much faith in Ashley Nicole. Today was supposed to be my last day, so she said, "You can just work from home. Log your hours, and bring your time sheet to me. I trust you." If that's not favor, I don't know what is. Thank you, Father!

Today is the last Saturday before school starts. YIKES!!! I'm ready. I've been dreading Monday since May 2nd. (Yes, law school is just that bad!) However, I'm excited. I'm excited that my woman's here. She will be motivation to see more of the city. Perhaps I will learn to like it. I'm grateful for BLSA, esp. the E-Board. I'm excited about the incoming 1Ls. I'm excited about pro-bono work. Hopefully, I can do my hours with Entertainment Law Society. My goals for the year are to get a 3.5 and to secure a job with Congress next summer. We'll see. Basically, I'm grateful for good spirits about school.

Today, I'm grateful for Elizabeth's taste of New Orleans. I DO NOT LIKE THIS CITY, but I admit, there are lots of nice things for my woman to do (temporarily). Yesterday, the Hornets had Family and Friends Day, which she thoroughly enjoyed. We've been to Chuck-E-Cheese's countless times. The park here is the absolute best park I have ever seen. She can slide, swing, hang glide, and climb the monkey bars. She can feed the ducks and swans and end it all by chasing the chickens. She got a see a zephyr, which is the only thing of which I know with orange teeth. The pond/lake/whatever it is has an abundance of turtles, which she is infatuated with. The weather is warm enough for us to go swimming about half of the year. She gets to ride on street cars into the French Quarter. How cool is that for a two-year old? Then there are the zoo and aquarium, which I cannot wait to take her to. She (we) is going to love these next two years in the Crescent City. NOLA, I am ready to embrace you. :)

Sept 2: Today I'm grateful for the BLSA e-board. I love you guys for the role you play. At TLS, but also for the way in which we interact. Yes, Brian, I'm finished @#*+?ing, but you know I'll have something to say later! We wouldn't be without our banter. Amanda, you're doing fine. We need that bossy personality. Jalisa, how old are you again? Thanks for always lightening the mood. Anthony, if you tell my woman that mess again, BLSA gonna need 2 new officers. :). Kidding. My girl's got a crush on you. Thank you for Dope and what it means.

Sept 3: Tropical storm Lee is wreaking havoc on my city. Today I'm grateful for a mom who cares enough to call twice to tell me to come home. My womfan and I were prepared to fight through this. We had water, nonperishables, candles, flashlights, and batteries. Ma, it's only wind and water. It's not even strong wind. Dad, I don't live in NOLA. My car isn't gonna flood over here. Ma pulled the trump card! 'I miss my baby. Ask her if she wants to come see Nana.' :) Of course she does; I'm sick of hearing about going to Mississippi. With that, we packed and got on the road. Lee will not have us trapped in that apartment with a flooded car. Thanks Ma. Muah!

Sept 4: Today, I am grateful for Mrs. Joycelyn. We had a great, maybe great's not the word, a much needed talk tonight. She's gonna regret it when she has to get up to catch that flight! For a long time, I've been saying that I'm praying about a particular situation and how I feel in my heart and what I let come out of my mouth. Well, today, after about a two hour semi-lecture, I finally have come to grips that I have to let it go. I've known this all along, but sometimes it takes someone else to put it into perspective. At some point, we really have to look at situations from all angles. Leaning your head towards a person doesn't give you his or her perspective. You have move to his/her position to see what he or she sees. Then only can you begin to understand. I say begin that's all you can do. A person's upbringing, hurdles, fears, successes, comforts, and failures shape that image into what it is for him/her. I can't make people see it my way. I have to accept them for who they are and respect from where they've come. With that, I'm not releasing this person, I'm releasing what I feel for her. I know you'll see this, so for the first time in a long time, I truly mean it when I say, Blessed be. We will be OKAY.

Posted by Nik :: 6/26/2011 :: 0 Comments:

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Saturday, June 04, 2011

the 2 things that take up my time

I got my grades and I KEEP MY SCHOLARSHIP! I swear, that was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It was easier being pregnant for nine months than it was doing nine months of law school. WHAT THE HELL? I don't wish that on anyone. I will say, I feel damn good about completing that first year and keeping my scholarship. I was so worried. You go an entire year and don't know where you stand. No quizzes. No daily grades. NOTHING. You don't even have to talk anyone. I did it though. Not only did I do it, I did it at a tier one school. I'm fucking awesome. I couldn't have done it without God. I wrote about my path being laid out for me, but sometimes my faith gets weak. God shows me everytime that I have favor. When I thought I wasn't gonna get in anywhere, I got into a tier one school. When I thought I failed that exam, I didn't. When I thought I was gonna lose my scholarship, I didn't. When I thought I wasn't gonna get a job, I got two. He just loves me and has written this great plan for my life. Thank you God. My God is an awesome God. He reigns! I gotta acknowledge those people who helped though: My ma for keeping my woman. There is no way I could have gotten the grades I got (possible I wouldn't have finished period) with my woman there. My sissy and granny for helping my ma. My bestie AshLizabeth for taking time out to tell me it's gonna be ok. I was ready to go home, driving 10East to get my woman, when she said, "Stop. Breathe. You can do this. If you wanna quit, quit, but only after you get some grades. Quit because you don't want to do it. Don't quit because you are afraid." I needed that. Thanks bestie. My babygmama Meka for listening to me that day as I walked through campus bawling. It was really bad. I had to stop and lean against the tree because I didn't want anyone to see me. I just broke. She gave me a great speech, like only she can. "Ashley, you're smart. You always have been. This is your thing. You will not fail. You don't fail at school." So true friend! Lakeysha for calling me EVERY MORNING and giving me DAILY talks about school, eating healthy, working out, and taking my vitamins. None of which I did. I love her just for being my go-to-woman. Jeremy for telling me good luck before each exam and talking through my cases with me and letting take me all of my stress out on him and getting my computer fixed bc I was losing my mind and just making me smile when I really wanted to cry and giving me those random back beatings. Lissa and Jessica for just bearing with me. I know I was not the best friend. I know ya'll were like, "This bitch is losing it!" I was! When I get lawyer money, ya'll are the first ones I'm shopping with. All three of us on the same flight!

My woman, my woman, my woman. I love that girl. She is amazing. She tells me daily how much she loves me. She can count to 11. She knows all of the colors of the rainbow, plus black, white, and gray. She can sing her alphabet. She can tell you the first and last names of her immediate family, says please and thank you, yes ma'am and no ma'am, knows what she likes and dislikes, can almost spell her name (still working the kinks on those last 3 letters), throw the hell out of a ball, run fast, cry like she's being stabbed, and laugh until she gets hiccups. She's my sweetheart, my pooh, my baby girl. She will not stand for me calling anyone else any of those. She's my woman. I absolutely love her. God couldn't have given me a better child. I need to write her another letter. I need to tell her how beautiful she is when she sleeps. Sheer perfection. I need to tell her that my wish for her is that she has a healthy, successful life. No matter what happens, I did my best. Lawyer money or teacher money. I will do my best. I love that girl!

Goodnight bloggers!

Posted by Nik :: 6/04/2011 :: 1 Comments:

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--------------------------------------- unconscious mutterings!

1. Decoder ::
computer

2. Cake ::
cupcake

3. Sense ::
sensitivity

4. Geek ::
geek squad

5. Cousin ::
Jeff

6. Goggles ::
Google

7. Social media ::
network

8. Butterfly ::
Effect

9. Search ::
and seizure

10. Manicure ::
pedicure

Posted by Nik :: 6/04/2011 :: 0 Comments:

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Monday, May 24, 2010

I miss us.

I love that he makes love to my brain; I hate that he causes me so much pain. The pain of yesteryear, the pain of years to come.
I love that I'm the one who piques his curiousity, but I hate this game of reciprocity.
I hate that we started off so wrong, but I love that our bond is so strong. A bond that has seen trial after trial, and remains in tack.
I love that we appeared to have it all, but I hate that a part of me can't recall. Can't recall his touch, his smell, his look, his heart.
I love to see him in her, but I hate that I don't get to see him and her. I see his happiness, his love, his confusion all in her.
Yet, I can't feel him like I use to. I can't feel his pain as deeply; I can't celebrate his triumphs as genuinely; I can't guide him through his mistakes as earnestly.
I just miss how it used to be with my used to be.

Posted by Nik :: 5/24/2010 :: 0 Comments:

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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Good Thang

Have you ever been in a place of complete ecstasy? That's how I feel right now. From the outside, my life is the same as it has been for the last six years (plus my Lizzie Lou!), but the inside is totally different. My body, soul, and mind is filled with peace. Never in my life have I not worried about something. I've worried about tuition, about bills, about family, about my future, about my exes, about my friends, about friendships, about everything. Contrarily, nothing plagues my brain right now. I think it comes with knowing where my future is headed. Here's my life for the next five years (in short)...Teach for the next two and half months, live it up for two months, bust my ass in one of the nation's top law schools for the next three years, and work somewhere earning 150,000 for about a year and half. I know I sound a little cocky, but it's the truth. God has already shown it to me. I have complete faith in Him and his promises. I know sometimes we try to make our plans into God's plans, but that's honestly not what I am doing. I asked for some guidance and he showed it to me. There are still some things He has to show me, but in my mind, those are the trees. I've seen the forrest. I can't concern myself with wood types.
As for my girl, she is marvelous! My leading lady can say all of the important words: Mommy, Mama, Lizzie, mine, and thank you. Kidding, kidding (kinda)! She can say all of those, but she has a few more in her repetoire! She loves grapes and talapia and broccoli and salmon and applesauce and her mommy! She has six teeth and two coming in. She's long and lean like her pa, with beautiful lashes and hair to match his. Those big doe eyes are enchanting. The cute button nose and pouty lips that she inherited from mommy complete her perfect little face. She's a little fiesty and spoiled, both compliments of me. (I'm paying for it now though!) She likes all noise makers. She loves her cook sets (one Princess Tiana and one Beauty or Aurora or whatever her name is). She throws temper tantrums, but they are always carefully thought out. They happen the same way every time. She realizes that she can't get her way; she lays on her back and starts kicking and screaming. Crazy I tell ya, crazy. There's never a tear in sight, but if you heard her, you would swear she's in agony. I don't know where she got that. Oh well. She'll grow out of it (with my help, sooner rather than later.) Oh and her sitter is AMAZING. I love her because she loves my girl and my girl loves her. Elizabeth never cries when I drop her off or pick her up. She goes willingly into daycare. She comes home clean and dry. She likes the other kids. Hell, I've learned their names! I don't know. Everything's good!
I guess the only two people who matter are me and the leading lady!

Until later, peace and blessings.

Posted by Nik :: 3/24/2010 :: 0 Comments:

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Sunday, March 01, 2009

I need to start back blogging. I really miss it, but when I sit down (most of the time), I can't find the energy to write. I check Facebook religously and MySpace frequently, but I don't blog. WH says she's starting back, so maybe I will too!

My girl is so GOrgeous! I love being a mommy. It is truly the most rewarding thing in life. I dread the day that I have to take her to daycare. I took her thirty minutes away to Katy Friday, and I was miserable the whole day. I'm so used to going home in the middle of the day to see her, but I couldn't Friday. OMGoodness! I'm so glad my sissy is back. She's a life saver!

I took my LizzieBef to see her daddy yesterday. I usually make him come see her, but I was out so I said, "What the hell?!" Oh my. I love seeing them together. He pretends to be so comfortable, but the nervousness is all over his face. He was holding her and talking to her for about fifteen minutes when she just started screaming. I told him to give her her bottle, but she wouldn't take it. She wouldn't take the paci either! I got her from him and she immediately stopped crying. (She already knows!) He says she's spoiled already and I might agree. I don't care. She's going to be my only one, unless the hubby wants one. However, I don't see a hubby in the future!

I need a new job. I hate the current one. I think my time in Houston has expired. I love it here, but it's time to go. I'm such a gypsy. I need to get all of this out of my system before she starts school. (I just burned my damn finger!) I quit.

BYE, BLOGOSPEHERE!

Posted by Nik :: 3/01/2009 :: 2 Comments:

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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Barack and Roll!!!!

OK, I'm back from the 56th Presidential Inauguration and it was great! I had such a blast, but I must admit: I wish I could have done more. Ok, let's start from the beginning. In November, I said I was going. I called Light Bright and told him I needed to stay at his apartment. He was all for it! ;) Once, I had Elizabeth, I decided I didn't want to leave her and I didn't know how my body would feel by then. So, Jan. rolls around and I'm still saying I'm not going. Light Bright keeps telling me to come on; I keep refusing.
Being the spontaneous person that I am, I wake up Friday, Jan 16 and decide to go. I call KHallmon and basically beg her, to no avail. She ain't budging. She's still holding it against me that we didn't go to Cali! :) At this point, I'm desperate, but my road trip buddies are denying me. Pearly Gates tells me no, but I can stay overnight at her house if I need to rest up. I set my Facebook status to: "I'm headed to DC. Anybody need a ride" I get a few responses, but nothing significant. Finally, I text all my friends between MS and DC. I get two responses: Kels and Keke, both of whom are in Atlanta! JACKPOT!!! I call Light Bright and he tells me it is ok to bring two perfect strangers to his house! Looks like everything's a go! YAY!
I leave Sunday morning for Atlanta at about 830. I'm grooving, talking to my besties, imagining all the fun I'm going to have, just in my zone. My dad calls and I ask him if he wants to do lunch. We decide on Wendy's. (My dad was on his way to Atlanta. He had a hour head start; I was trying to catch him!) He tells me to stop at Exit 41 on I85. Deal. Well, I'm in my zone and drive past him! By the time he calls me back to ask where I am, I am ten mile past the exit. LOL!!! I backtrack, eat, laugh, joke, and gas up. He compliments my new Pocahontas look, but tells me to bump it a little. Jerkface! For three years, he's been telling me to get a relaxer. When I do, he still complains. MEN!
Finally, I get to Keke. We pick up Kels, and it's on!!!! We arrive in Alexandria at 230 a.m. I'm sure we could have gotten there quicker, but we stopped at some random Target! I guess we couldn't help it. Anyway, when I get there, I am so glad to see Light Bright. He looks so handsome with his grown man weight. He's still not cute, but handsome nonetheless. We stay up until 5 talking. This is not a good idea because we are back up at 8 trying to figure out a plan to tour The District. We decide to see Howard, The Vietnam Memorial, and the National Mall. (Sadly, we never made it to Howard. I didn't get to see the infamous Miner Hall or get my ivies. We never made it to Arlington either. Light Bright gets called in, and we have to get back to his apt. so he can go serve the country. We're not upset because it's cold and we're tired.) The mall is great. The Memorial, the Monument, the World War II thing (sorry), the Capitol. All of the major networks are there: CNN, MSNBC, ABC. (Notice I didn't mention Fox. They are too republican!) We're taking pics and trying to get on the news. We notice a crowd of people by the CNN booth. Then Light Bright spots him, Mr. Black Political Analyst Roland Martin. I can see him so clearly and am almost close enough to touch him, but I can't get a good pic. No problem, Keke gets a close-up. You can count the teeth in his mouth she's so close. Moving on.
INAUGURATION DAY, JANUARY 20, 2009 We wake up slightly after 5 and start getting dressed. I call JB at about 530 to see where she is and what time her fam is leaving. She's already there and the crowd is building. WTH? We finish getting dressed and I call Sharina. We are supposed to meet at the Huntington Metro at 6. We leave the house in plenty of time, but the traffic is horrendous. It takes us 30 minutes to park. Sorry, Sharina. As soon as we walk up, she spots me. I'm shocked because she hasn't seen me since middle school. It's great to see her. She has such a beautiful spirit. We get on the metro and everything's looking good. None of us can stop smiling. By the time we get to Pentagon City, there is no room on the subway. People were trying to get on, but there was nowhere to sit or stand. Sucks to be them! There are so many people that people are taking pics of the crowd. Finally, we get off and head to the National Mall. Sharina is looking for someone named Nicole. I'm kinda mad because I don't wanna wait, but then I remind myself that she waited on us for 30 minutes. I put my impatience in check and enjoy the moment. She gives up on finding her and we head to the Mall. Once we get there, we are freezing but cheesing hard. It's 730 and the thing doesn't start until 10. No prob. At about 830, there's a prob. It's 22 degrees and we've been outside for an hour. Nine o'clock rolls around and I'm ready to go. So is Keke. Kels says no because "we've come so far!" We suck it up. I sit on the cold ground. I know that's crazy, but I'm tired of standing. After I sit down, the guy in front of me lies in my lap and goes to sleep. I'm laughing because this is crazy. I tell Keke he's lying on me like my man! I think he hears me because he gets up. I beg him to lie back down! I need the warmth of his body! He does and I go to sleep. (Almost sounds sexual huh? No deal, he's about 60 and his wife is next to him! Did I mention he's white?) Finally, the clock strikes ten and everyone feels a sudden burst of energy. I stand to my feet, wave my flag, and cheer as loudly as humanly possible in 22 degree weather with two pair of pants and three shirts on! The scarf is wrapped around my mouth and nose, so my outside voice is muffled.
People start coming out. Joe Lieberman gets booed. So does Dick Chaney, even though he's in a wheel chair. Tough crowd, I suppose. Then George W. Bush comes out. I think he's about to get booed as well. Not happening. Millions of people start singing, "Na Na Na Na, hey, hey, hey, Good bye!" Terrible, yet funny as hell. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I definitely think he's an idiot, but at this point, he is still the leader of our country. It feels like treason! Then, my third favorite politician (behind John Lewis and Barack Obama) Colin Powell comes out. Everyone is screaming. We all love him, democrat, republican, man, woman, black, white, atheist, Christian, and everything in between. We can't help it. It's something about that man. Then Michelle Obama walks out in a gold suit looking simply amazing. She's so dignified. The crowd goes wild. Oh my, then we see the girls, Sasha and Malea (SP?). They are gorgeous and so cute. Yes, there's a difference. I think we are more in love with them than we are with their father. After hours of famous people parade in, we finally see the man of the hour. He looks so debonair and serious and humble. I cannot help but wonder what he is thinking. He looks like he is praying. He looks like he considering how to handle the business at hand. He looks like my president! Biden takes the oath and we all wave and cheer. Then Justice Somebody gives Barack the oath and screws it up. He's so smooth that he just stops and lets the justice get it together. Once he's sworn in, we yell louder than ever imaginable. We are yelling and screaming and smiling and hugging and crying. We are elated. We have just witnessed history in 20 degree weather with over a million strangers. We cry and listen to his speech. I promise I am listening, but all I can think about is that speech in Houston. Then I hear, "we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get back to the business that is America." I scream again. I, we, needed that. He goes on and people continue to shout, but I'm in another world. I'm amazed that he is black, that his wife looks like me, that his girls could possibly one day be my girl's role models, that the country has a love affair going on with this man, that his daddy is African, that he is the true definition of African American, that he will lead us, that he won a decisive majority, that I get to tell my baby and friends and family about this day, that I left my camera in the car, that I'm here with Kels and Keke and Sharina, that I'm here, that I'm here. Wait, I'm here. I'm witnessing this first hand. I'm amazed. The speech is over and I don't remember but three lines. I missed it. I couldn't focus. I'm not upset because in my mind, the speech is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that he was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States. I honestly wouldn't have cared if he didn't give a speech.
It's time to go. The four of us link up and rush to the metro. We are half listening to the benediction. When Rev. Lowry finishes, we hear the people singing the Star Spangled Banner. We join in and sing all the way to the Metro. The crowd there is crazy. It's much worse than it was upon arrival. We rush to the the yellow line arm-in-arm and Kels gets pushed and starts screaming, "It's an ovary there!" It's too funny! We are one of the first people to load the subway and get great seats. We head home in silence. Everyone is taking in what just happened. When people ask where I watched the inauguration, I'll smile and say, " I watched the inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama at the National Mall between the Capitol and Washington Monument with two million strangers."
Thanks Kels, Keke, Sharina, and Light Bright. I'll never forget this experience as long as I live.
Barack and Roll!!!

Posted by Nik :: 1/24/2009 :: 1 Comments:

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