Incidents in the life of.....

Countdown to 30

2011-06-26T23:46:00.003-05:00

For the past, say 4 months, I have been anxious about my 29th birthday. Reason one: Last year, I decided never to go another year without celebrating my birthday. Two: I knew I was coming back to Texas. Most importantly, I'm closer to 30!!! So, for the next 365 days, I'll post one thing for which I am grateful. If I build the gall, I'll post my Thirty while 30 list after this.

365 days: It's Father's Day, so I'm grateful for the men in my life and all they've done to shape me. TC for teaching me to ride a bike, Daddy for showing me at 15 that I really can talk to him about anything, my other Daddy for that look he gets when we talk about law school that silently says he's proud of me, Uncle Joseph and Red for looking out for me financially while at Tougaloo, Uncle Timmy for making sure I never went hungry, never fell victim to one of his friends, and getting my first job while at Tougaloo, Mac for truly being my brother from another mother, Morrie for his honesty and acceptance, Travis for teaching me that I was not ready to be a Mom, Brandon for letting me know how it feels to love and be loved, Stephen for my constant pursuit of happiness, Yancy for the flowers, Kerry for showing me the signs, Marcus for showing me the game in its rawest form, and Thomas Prince for giving me the greatest joy this world has to offer. I love each of you dearly.

364 days: As I sit in this desolate airport preparing for my trip home, I am grateful for my friends and the success they have found throughout the South: Birmingham, Atlanta, Dallas, Jackson, Mobile, Houston, New Orleans, PASCAGOULA! I'm grateful that they can rejoice with me without being envious, admonish me without being judgmental, lament without feeling sorry, forgive without holding grudges, laugh with and at me. I am grateful for those who have traveled with me from Mississippi to Texas to Louisiana, for their faith in me as a student and teacher, for the nights I've spent in their beds and on their couches, for the random road trips, for the birthday and shower gifts, for letting me cry on their shoulders and phone lines, for the pep talks when I wanted to quit law school, for being just as happy as I was about keeping my scholarship, for the moments I realize they were right and I was (semi) wrong. I am grateful for bonds that continue to grow despite distance and time. Thank you for loving and supporting me unconditionally. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful FRIENDS!

363 days: Today I'm grateful for finishing that first year of law school. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I don't think I'd ever had so little faith in self. I'd never cried about school the way I did this year. I'd never depended on others to help keep me focused. I'd never been happy about so many Bs. I'd never had a report card with NO As. I'd never stayed up 24 hours studying. I'd never drank so many energy drinks. I'd never spent the night in the school lobby. It was hard, in every way imaginable. Yet, I made it. Not only did I make it, I conquered it. I lost a few battles, but I definitely won the war. I kicked @$$. And yes, I'm patting myself on the back, tooting my own horn, and walking with my nose in the air. I deserve it. I thank God for the opportunity. I thank Him for Ash giving me money towards my LSAT prep class, for allowing Dwayne to encourage me, for Mrs. Williams having me in tears for missing the CLEO deadline, for Mrs. Williams's constant e-mails, for my scholarship, for my mom, sister, granny, and Aunt Carla keeping my woman when I couldn't, for Meka talking to me that day I broke down and barely made it to class, for Keysh asking me too many times how was school (even though the answer was always 'I HATE IT!'), for Lissa constantly reminding me about OUR lawyer money, for my Pastor and his explanation of fasting, my Daddy for that $2,000 for my tuition, for other Daddy making me call a shrink (It didn't help, but I didn't have the heart to tell him.), for Dean Netherton pissing me off and forcing me to say I have no other option but to succeed, for Dr. Matambanazdo telling me there is a balance and everyone goes through this, for Polyester front for always Zgiving us a good laugh, for my study partners (Rachel, Editha, Kesha, Anthony, and Brian), for Olivia getting Friedman's book for me, for the random attorney who told me shake that shit off and its supposed to be hard and to get over it, for Prof. Friedman for being the best law professor ever and pushing me even when I didn't think there was much left, for Prof. Hancock's bathtub analogy, and finally, for Shawna and Amanda for walking with me every step of the way, listening to me complain about life and school, laughing at my crazy perspectives on the plight of the race and politics and New Orleans, for keeping me on track when I really wanted to be on Facebook, for trading outlines and notes, for helping me find the free food, for letting me have my moment after the computer fiasco that had me thinking I was gonna have to take Civ Pro over, and for just being my rocks. I am grateful for every blessing that has been bestowed upon me.

362 Days: Since we just finished our family meeting, I'm grateful for those who were with me day in and day out as I grew up. Thanks for the unconditional love, constant laughs, brutal arguments, and kept secrets. I am who I am, good and bad, because of your influence. I remember sitting in Ma's favorite Chinese restaurant with Morrie and reflecting on childhood. I realized that we were not as well off as I thought, but we were better than a lot of people. The only thing I remember wanting and not getting is a Sazuki moped! That says a lot. I'm grateful for a happy childhood and sharing it with you guys. I'm grateful for memories like 5 for $5 Whoppers, boiled water, knowing I had at least four Christmas gifts, lipstick on the mirror, Sunday meetings, family bike rides, growing up in a house rather than an apartment, being scared to sit in the living room, and getting excited about the Swan man. I have more to say, but I have special days I am going to devote to each of you. MUAH

361 days: Today, I am grateful for all of the experiences in which I have taken the high road. It's nice feeling like I'm the bigger person. However, I'm grateful for all the laughs I got for being the smarter person. Tonight, I'm gonna try to combine those two and reach a happy medium. I'm not gonna use my intellect to make anyone cry, but I'm not big enough to let it pass. I'm grateful for self composure in the worst of times. I'm a work in progress.

360 days: Today, I am grateful for Mister (even though he's tripping right now!). I'm thankful because he reminded me of what it felt like to reeealllllllyyy like someone, the kind of like that has no regard for socioeconomic status, outer beauty, or the past, the kind that is formed over hour long conversations and good meals, the kind that makes you fall asleep on the phone (you hang up, no you hang up, on three we hang up), the kind of like that has you sending good morning texts. It's what I had been missing for about two years. I'm thankful for every "good luck" and each "how do you think you did." I'm grateful for his ability to hold intelligent conversation about any subject. I'm grateful for someone with whom to discuss and argue the case book, aside from those sitting in class. I appreciate (though I didn't expect anything less) the "how is Lizzie" and "you talk to Lizzie today" and the "what's going on with Vee." Genuine concern for those I care about is a rarity. It's easy to feign concern to keep someone in your corner; actually wanting to know and praying/hoping for the best are totally different. I'm grateful for his ability (though not the harshness) to say, No, Ash, you're wrong and I'm gonna always tell your when you when you're wrong, yet in the same breath say he's on my side. I recognize that he's not perfect and this was/is only for a season, but I'm bidding my time until that last leaf falls.

359 Days: As death stares me in the face, I'm grateful for life and having five strong living generations of family. (Sorry, it's too many of ya'll to tag for this one!) I'm also grateful for brief moments of blissful ignorance. I kinda wish I could grab hold of one of those moments now.

358 Days: I had my heart broken into a million tiny peices by a selfish bastard. Oops, let me try this again. My heart was broken by a man I had no idea capable. At one point we were good, great actually. There was nothing we couldn't talk about, no pain he felt that I didn't share, no joyous occasions that my heart didn't celebrate with him. No arguing. No fussing. No fighting. Good, wholesome debate. I have so many good memories: one involving my car and a tag (that was the first assertion of boldness), one involving a gun (I would've never let him use it, but I was grateful he wanted to), dinner at Pappadeaux, text messages trying to outwit each other (those came back to bite him in the ass, CRAWFISH (!!!!), missing panties, going to sleep on his chest and waking up in the exact same spot, passionate kisses and tight hugs, the look in his eyes when he talked about the loss of his child, his promise to vote for Obama, the shock on his face that day I announced in a large crown that I didn't sleep him the night before, his desire to break into the music world, the many days I went over and all he had were noodles and frozen pizza, the day his roommate walked in on us, the night I found his keys, picking him up from the airport, the day he let me smoke, the countless times we broke his bed, laughing at DWayne's lies.
Though these memories are quite "delightful," they are overshadowed by the day he left my stranded. I would have never done to him what he did to me. I thought we were so much better than that. Apparently not. I have yet to forgive him for the pain he caused. Nor have I figured out to deal with it. However, he had to leave because honestly, I never would have. I was happy. I had reasons to let him go, but none compelling enough for me to actually do it. So in all actuality, he did me a favor.
For the past few years, I have been trying to find all the pieces he scattered into the wind. Some I have recovered; some I haven't. This morning, I decided to surrender those to the wind and connect the peices I have already gathered. For that I am grateful. Get well soon, Heart. I'll be waiting.
357 days: Today I am grateful for a praying grandma. I saw some interesting people today. My grandma prayed and praised and prayed. We left my grandma's house and went to the hospital. She prayed some more. It reminded me of those times when we were little and she'd line us up along the bed and we had to pray (for hours). I'm grateful that somebody (ie Cora Lee) prayed for me.
356 days: I missed it. Sorry!

355 days: Today I am grateful for my woman. (Dag, I miss her!) I'm grateful for her showing me that it's possible to love someone you've never met, grateful for the kisses on the lips, and I love you Mommy's. I'm grateful for her beautiful face and brilliant mind. I miss the 'Mommy, I want you' even though I'm right in her face. I miss her spelling her name 'Eli Zab Eth Elizabeth.' I'm grateful for her being my motivation. Had I never met her, I'd probably still be teaching. Had I never met her, I wouldn't know love that requires nothing but my presence. I reaaaalllllyyy miss my woman. I'm grateful God gave her to me. I don't know what I did to deserve such a blessing of such magnitude.

354 days: Today was the last day of my first legal job. It was a rewarding experience like no other. I am grateful for a woman of her status taking a chance on me, a perfect stranger with a less than desirable gpa. I appreciate all of the explanations, patience, and introductions. I am grateful for her paralegal taking the time to teach me the basics and reminding me that I don't have to be perfect. I am so grateful for whatever it is that they see in me.

353 days: Today we buried my grandmother's husband. (My grandfather died many moons ago.) I am convinced he loved my grandmother and her family. In his honor, I am grateful for all of the men and women in my family who are helping raise children who are not theirs. Thank you for recognizing and accepting the package deal. I'm waiting on him who accepts me and my perfect package.

352 days: Today, I am grateful for being able to attend Essence. The freebies were an added bonus. I got to see a showman, Kanye West, perform and it was jaw dropping. Never have I seen someone enjoy his calling so much. I pray that I am as in love with my career as he appears to be with his.

351 days: Today I am grateful for the small step I took for Motherhood! You gals would be proud. :).

350 days: Today, I'm grateful for meeting family members on my dad's side of the family. Honestly, once I get past my first cousins, it's a struggle identifying people. Today's barbecue softened the struggle a little. I can't dwell on the past, but I pray our futures are closely intertwined. It was a pleasure.

349 days: Today I'm grateful for people in high places. I'm feeling almost invincible!

348 days: Today I'm grateful for Redbox! Best idea ever!

347 days: Today I'm grateful for strong matriarchal lineage. I love each of you from Mama Liza to Londyn. You have showed me that it's possible to work/ go to school and raise my child(ren), to have a man that truly loves me unconditionally, get by on a hope and prayer, and to be comfortable in my own skin. From you I have learned to pray fervently, forgive when it hurts, and accept ugly truths. Londyn reminds me that women really are the strength of this family. She's the smaller of the two, yet she's the one who got to leave with her Mommy. It is a sheer pleasure to share genealogy with such a beautiful group of women.

346 days: I missed it.

345 days: Today, I'm grateful for the little money I do have. I'm grateful for having friends that I'd be willing to spend my last in order to offer some minimal amount of support. I love you chick. The best I have is my presence.

344 days: Today I'm grateful that it's not my turn to carry this cross. I don't know if I could.

343 days: Today I'm grateful for some resemblance of normalcy. I'm grateful for my bestie's stregnth. I'm grateful for her intellect, passion, faith, ambition, candor, and ability to write. I'm grateful that God reveals things in due time. I'm grateful for having someone with whom I can travel physically, emotionally, and mentally.

343 days: Today I'm grateful for my middle brother and his family. I walked in the house this morning and Morrie was teaching two-year old Junior how to write his name. Priceless. When Aubree brought Kayden and Michael home, they had so much to share about their day. I'm grateful for artculate children who know are still children. I'm grateful for Aubree holding it down.
::I'm gonna fill in the days as best I can tomorrow.::

Today I'm grateful for my parents' grandchildren. I'm grateful that Sani has read the entire Diary of a Wimpy Kid series, that Maya is the most precocious kid I know, that Michael plays select baseball, that Mimi is extra-excitable and dramatic, that Madi's hair is longer than Texas, that Kayden can tell you what happened in Charlotte's Web, the book version, that Caleb knows he's the man, that Jr. always has a smile and a toy for TeeTee (Ms.) Ashley, that Lizzie recognizes 'hi' in the word children, and that we finally got to meet Malichi. I'm grateful that those middle girls are two weeks apart. They have a special relationship that is beautiful to watch as it matures. No matter how long it has been since they've seen each other, they play like it's been 20 seconds. It'll be interesting to watch Maya as she grows up. She's clearly the smartest person in her grade and one of the best softball players in the state (not exaggerating, check her out), but she has a hood side to her that I imagine was semi-inevitable. I don't know what to say about Caleb and Lizzie. If they could be joined at the hip they would. They're a cross between Ike and Tina and master and minion, each taking turns on the role he or she wants to play. Overall, I'm just glad to call them ours. My siblings and I are raising some beautiful children, despite all of the obstacles we face in parenthood.

Today, I am grateful for being able to take my baby swimming and to the park and to play at Chick-fil-A and to the movies. I'm grateful that I know the importance of education and have patience and knowledge to teach her. I'm grateful for being willing to sleep on a pallet bc she wants to sleep in the living room. I'm grateful for motherhood.

I made Jell-O for the first time today. Peach. As I tasted it, I couldn't help but think of my great-great grandma and that big silver bowl she made Jell-O in. I remember my grandma making jell-o, drinking coffee, letting me lick the bowl after she made a cake, and eating Thousand Island and cottage cheese.I'm grateful for being Lisa and Ashla, for being hit across the back with a broom, for watching Grimlins with my cousins, for tying rubberbands on panties that were too big, and for my memories. I am truly blessed to have known and loved and be loved by my great-great grandma. I love you, Mama Liza. May my Liza live to be as loving and loved as you.

Today, I'm grateful for the Word and relaxation.

Today, I'm grateful for good conversation. I had a two-hour conversation with another female about stuff that matters. I ignored four calls, at least two of them important, for that convo! Such a rarity!

Today, I am grateful for not taking simple things seriously. I'm glad that i form my own opinions of people. I'm thankful for the clarity that comes from 29 years of living.

As school approaches, I'm grateful that her hair is braided and Jalisa told me to iron our clothes for the week. Our mornings will be so simple now.

Today, I am grateful for the judge, her clerks, and secretary. Lunch was great, and I gained valuable insight for my political future. The first thing you need to do once you decide to run for office is clean up your mess. Hire somebody to dig up the dirt. There are things out there that you won't even know about. Clean it up.

Today, I am grateful for Judge's faith in my ability. God just keeps showing me favor. Judge has been asking me if could work during the fall since the first week I started. (Nevermind there was another summer clerk.) I've been telling I'm not sure just as long. It wasn't that I didn't want to, for this has been an invaluable experience (not to mention resume booster!). My hesistation was due to my woman being in NOLA this year. I really (mentally) struggled last year, and barely kept my scholarship. I wasn't sure I could commit to working for her, being a student, and making sure I put in quality time with me woman. Judge is amazing and has so much faith in Ashley Nicole. Today was supposed to be my last day, so she said, "You can just work from home. Log your hours, and bring your time sheet to me. I trust you." If that's not favor, I don't know what is. Thank you, Father!

Today is the last Saturday before school starts. YIKES!!! I'm ready. I've been dreading Monday since May 2nd. (Yes, law school is just that bad!) However, I'm excited. I'm excited that my woman's here. She will be motivation to see more of the city. Perhaps I will learn to like it. I'm grateful for BLSA, esp. the E-Board. I'm excited about the incoming 1Ls. I'm excited about pro-bono work. Hopefully, I can do my hours with Entertainment Law Society. My goals for the year are to get a 3.5 and to secure a job with Congress next summer. We'll see. Basically, I'm grateful for good spirits about school.

Today, I'm grateful for Elizabeth's taste of New Orleans. I DO NOT LIKE THIS CITY, but I admit, there are lots of nice things for my woman to do (temporarily). Yesterday, the Hornets had Family and Friends Day, which she thoroughly enjoyed. We've been to Chuck-E-Cheese's countless times. The park here is the absolute best park I have ever seen. She can slide, swing, hang glide, and climb the monkey bars. She can feed the ducks and swans and end it all by chasing the chickens. She got a see a zephyr, which is the only thing of which I know with orange teeth. The pond/lake/whatever it is has an abundance of turtles, which she is infatuated with. The weather is warm enough for us to go swimming about half of the year. She gets to ride on street cars into the French Quarter. How cool is that for a two-year old? Then there are the zoo and aquarium, which I cannot wait to take her to. She (we) is going to love these next two years in the Crescent City. NOLA, I am ready to embrace you. :)

Sept 2: Today I'm grateful for the BLSA e-board. I love you guys for the role you play. At TLS, but also for the way in which we interact. Yes, Brian, I'm finished @#*+?ing, but you know I'll have something to say later! We wouldn't be without our banter. Amanda, you're doing fine. We need that bossy personality. Jalisa, how old are you again? Thanks for always lightening the mood. Anthony, if you tell my woman that mess again, BLSA gonna need 2 new officers. :). Kidding. My girl's got a crush on you. Thank you for Dope and what it means.

Sept 3: Tropical storm Lee is wreaking havoc on my city. Today I'm grateful for a mom who cares enough to call twice to tell me to come home. My womfan and I were prepared to fight through this. We had water, nonperishables, candles, flashlights, and batteries. Ma, it's only wind and water. It's not even strong wind. Dad, I don't live in NOLA. My car isn't gonna flood over here. Ma pulled the trump card! 'I miss my baby. Ask her if she wants to come see Nana.' :) Of course she does; I'm sick of hearing about going to Mississippi. With that, we packed and got on the road. Lee will not have us trapped in that apartment with a flooded car. Thanks Ma. Muah!

Sept 4: Today, I am grateful for Mrs. Joycelyn. We had a great, maybe great's not the word, a much needed talk tonight. She's gonna regret it when she has to get up to catch that flight! For a long time, I've been saying that I'm praying about a particular situation and how I feel in my heart and what I let come out of my mouth. Well, today, after about a two hour semi-lecture, I finally have come to grips that I have to let it go. I've known this all along, but sometimes it takes someone else to put it into perspective. At some point, we really have to look at situations from all angles. Leaning your head towards a person doesn't give you his or her perspective. You have move to his/her position to see what he or she sees. Then only can you begin to understand. I say begin that's all you can do. A person's upbringing, hurdles, fears, successes, comforts, and failures shape that image into what it is for him/her. I can't make people see it my way. I have to accept them for who they are and respect from where they've come. With that, I'm not releasing this person, I'm releasing what I feel for her. I know you'll see this, so for the first time in a long time, I truly mean it when I say, Blessed be. We will be OKAY.

the 2 things that take up my time

2011-06-04T01:07:00.004-05:00

I got my grades and I KEEP MY SCHOLARSHIP! I swear, that was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It was easier being pregnant for nine months than it was doing nine months of law school. WHAT THE HELL? I don't wish that on anyone. I will say, I feel damn good about completing that first year and keeping my scholarship. I was so worried. You go an entire year and don't know where you stand. No quizzes. No daily grades. NOTHING. You don't even have to talk anyone. I did it though. Not only did I do it, I did it at a tier one school. I'm fucking awesome. I couldn't have done it without God. I wrote about my path being laid out for me, but sometimes my faith gets weak. God shows me everytime that I have favor. When I thought I wasn't gonna get in anywhere, I got into a tier one school. When I thought I failed that exam, I didn't. When I thought I was gonna lose my scholarship, I didn't. When I thought I wasn't gonna get a job, I got two. He just loves me and has written this great plan for my life. Thank you God. My God is an awesome God. He reigns! I gotta acknowledge those people who helped though: My ma for keeping my woman. There is no way I could have gotten the grades I got (possible I wouldn't have finished period) with my woman there. My sissy and granny for helping my ma. My bestie AshLizabeth for taking time out to tell me it's gonna be ok. I was ready to go home, driving 10East to get my woman, when she said, "Stop. Breathe. You can do this. If you wanna quit, quit, but only after you get some grades. Quit because you don't want to do it. Don't quit because you are afraid." I needed that. Thanks bestie. My babygmama Meka for listening to me that day as I walked through campus bawling. It was really bad. I had to stop and lean against the tree because I didn't want anyone to see me. I just broke. She gave me a great speech, like only she can. "Ashley, you're smart. You always have been. This is your thing. You will not fail. You don't fail at school." So true friend! Lakeysha for calling me EVERY MORNING and giving me DAILY talks about school, eating healthy, working out, and taking my vitamins. None of which I did. I love her just for being my go-to-woman. Jeremy for telling me good luck before each exam and talking through my cases with me and letting take me all of my stress out on him and getting my computer fixed bc I was losing my mind and just making me smile when I really wanted to cry and giving me those random back beatings. Lissa and Jessica for just bearing with me. I know I was not the best friend. I know ya'll were like, "This bitch is losing it!" I was! When I get lawyer money, ya'll are the first ones I'm shopping with. All three of us on the same flight!

My woman, my woman, my woman. I love that girl. She is amazing. She tells me daily how much she loves me. She can count to 11. She knows all of the colors of the rainbow, plus black, white, and gray. She can sing her alphabet. She can tell you the first and last names of her immediate family, says please and thank you, yes ma'am and no ma'am, knows what she likes and dislikes, can almost spell her name (still working the kinks on those last 3 letters), throw the hell out of a ball, run fast, cry like she's being stabbed, and laugh until she gets hiccups. She's my sweetheart, my pooh, my baby girl. She will not stand for me calling anyone else any of those. She's my woman. I absolutely love her. God couldn't have given me a better child. I need to write her another letter. I need to tell her how beautiful she is when she sleeps. Sheer perfection. I need to tell her that my wish for her is that she has a healthy, successful life. No matter what happens, I did my best. Lawyer money or teacher money. I will do my best. I love that girl!

Goodnight bloggers!

unconscious mutterings!

2011-06-04T01:06:00.001-05:00

Decoder ::

Cake ::

Sense ::

Geek ::

Cousin ::

Goggles ::

Social media ::

Butterfly ::

Search ::

Manicure ::

I miss us.

2010-05-24T23:04:00.004-05:00

I love that he makes love to my brain; I hate that he causes me so much pain. The pain of yesteryear, the pain of years to come.
I love that I'm the one who piques his curiousity, but I hate this game of reciprocity.
I hate that we started off so wrong, but I love that our bond is so strong. A bond that has seen trial after trial, and remains in tack.
I love that we appeared to have it all, but I hate that a part of me can't recall. Can't recall his touch, his smell, his look, his heart.
I love to see him in her, but I hate that I don't get to see him and her. I see his happiness, his love, his confusion all in her.
Yet, I can't feel him like I use to. I can't feel his pain as deeply; I can't celebrate his triumphs as genuinely; I can't guide him through his mistakes as earnestly.
I just miss how it used to be with my used to be.

Good Thang

2010-03-24T19:33:00.002-06:00

Have you ever been in a place of complete ecstasy? That's how I feel right now. From the outside, my life is the same as it has been for the last six years (plus my Lizzie Lou!), but the inside is totally different. My body, soul, and mind is filled with peace. Never in my life have I not worried about something. I've worried about tuition, about bills, about family, about my future, about my exes, about my friends, about friendships, about everything. Contrarily, nothing plagues my brain right now. I think it comes with knowing where my future is headed. Here's my life for the next five years (in short)...Teach for the next two and half months, live it up for two months, bust my ass in one of the nation's top law schools for the next three years, and work somewhere earning 150,000 for about a year and half. I know I sound a little cocky, but it's the truth. God has already shown it to me. I have complete faith in Him and his promises. I know sometimes we try to make our plans into God's plans, but that's honestly not what I am doing. I asked for some guidance and he showed it to me. There are still some things He has to show me, but in my mind, those are the trees. I've seen the forrest. I can't concern myself with wood types.
As for my girl, she is marvelous! My leading lady can say all of the important words: Mommy, Mama, Lizzie, mine, and thank you. Kidding, kidding (kinda)! She can say all of those, but she has a few more in her repetoire! She loves grapes and talapia and broccoli and salmon and applesauce and her mommy! She has six teeth and two coming in. She's long and lean like her pa, with beautiful lashes and hair to match his. Those big doe eyes are enchanting. The cute button nose and pouty lips that she inherited from mommy complete her perfect little face. She's a little fiesty and spoiled, both compliments of me. (I'm paying for it now though!) She likes all noise makers. She loves her cook sets (one Princess Tiana and one Beauty or Aurora or whatever her name is). She throws temper tantrums, but they are always carefully thought out. They happen the same way every time. She realizes that she can't get her way; she lays on her back and starts kicking and screaming. Crazy I tell ya, crazy. There's never a tear in sight, but if you heard her, you would swear she's in agony. I don't know where she got that. Oh well. She'll grow out of it (with my help, sooner rather than later.) Oh and her sitter is AMAZING. I love her because she loves my girl and my girl loves her. Elizabeth never cries when I drop her off or pick her up. She goes willingly into daycare. She comes home clean and dry. She likes the other kids. Hell, I've learned their names! I don't know. Everything's good!
I guess the only two people who matter are me and the leading lady!

Until later, peace and blessings.

2009-03-01T20:15:00.002-06:00

I need to start back blogging. I really miss it, but when I sit down (most of the time), I can't find the energy to write. I check Facebook religously and MySpace frequently, but I don't blog. WH says she's starting back, so maybe I will too!

My girl is so GOrgeous! I love being a mommy. It is truly the most rewarding thing in life. I dread the day that I have to take her to daycare. I took her thirty minutes away to Katy Friday, and I was miserable the whole day. I'm so used to going home in the middle of the day to see her, but I couldn't Friday. OMGoodness! I'm so glad my sissy is back. She's a life saver!

I took my LizzieBef to see her daddy yesterday. I usually make him come see her, but I was out so I said, "What the hell?!" Oh my. I love seeing them together. He pretends to be so comfortable, but the nervousness is all over his face. He was holding her and talking to her for about fifteen minutes when she just started screaming. I told him to give her her bottle, but she wouldn't take it. She wouldn't take the paci either! I got her from him and she immediately stopped crying. (She already knows!) He says she's spoiled already and I might agree. I don't care. She's going to be my only one, unless the hubby wants one. However, I don't see a hubby in the future!

I need a new job. I hate the current one. I think my time in Houston has expired. I love it here, but it's time to go. I'm such a gypsy. I need to get all of this out of my system before she starts school. (I just burned my damn finger!) I quit.

BYE, BLOGOSPEHERE!

Barack and Roll!!!!

2009-01-24T10:16:00.005-06:00

OK, I'm back from the 56th Presidential Inauguration and it was great! I had such a blast, but I must admit: I wish I could have done more. Ok, let's start from the beginning. In November, I said I was going. I called Light Bright and told him I needed to stay at his apartment. He was all for it! ;) Once, I had Elizabeth, I decided I didn't want to leave her and I didn't know how my body would feel by then. So, Jan. rolls around and I'm still saying I'm not going. Light Bright keeps telling me to come on; I keep refusing.
Being the spontaneous person that I am, I wake up Friday, Jan 16 and decide to go. I call KHallmon and basically beg her, to no avail. She ain't budging. She's still holding it against me that we didn't go to Cali! :) At this point, I'm desperate, but my road trip buddies are denying me. Pearly Gates tells me no, but I can stay overnight at her house if I need to rest up. I set my Facebook status to: "I'm headed to DC. Anybody need a ride" I get a few responses, but nothing significant. Finally, I text all my friends between MS and DC. I get two responses: Kels and Keke, both of whom are in Atlanta! JACKPOT!!! I call Light Bright and he tells me it is ok to bring two perfect strangers to his house! Looks like everything's a go! YAY!
I leave Sunday morning for Atlanta at about 830. I'm grooving, talking to my besties, imagining all the fun I'm going to have, just in my zone. My dad calls and I ask him if he wants to do lunch. We decide on Wendy's. (My dad was on his way to Atlanta. He had a hour head start; I was trying to catch him!) He tells me to stop at Exit 41 on I85. Deal. Well, I'm in my zone and drive past him! By the time he calls me back to ask where I am, I am ten mile past the exit. LOL!!! I backtrack, eat, laugh, joke, and gas up. He compliments my new Pocahontas look, but tells me to bump it a little. Jerkface! For three years, he's been telling me to get a relaxer. When I do, he still complains. MEN!
Finally, I get to Keke. We pick up Kels, and it's on!!!! We arrive in Alexandria at 230 a.m. I'm sure we could have gotten there quicker, but we stopped at some random Target! I guess we couldn't help it. Anyway, when I get there, I am so glad to see Light Bright. He looks so handsome with his grown man weight. He's still not cute, but handsome nonetheless. We stay up until 5 talking. This is not a good idea because we are back up at 8 trying to figure out a plan to tour The District. We decide to see Howard, The Vietnam Memorial, and the National Mall. (Sadly, we never made it to Howard. I didn't get to see the infamous Miner Hall or get my ivies. We never made it to Arlington either. Light Bright gets called in, and we have to get back to his apt. so he can go serve the country. We're not upset because it's cold and we're tired.) The mall is great. The Memorial, the Monument, the World War II thing (sorry), the Capitol. All of the major networks are there: CNN, MSNBC, ABC. (Notice I didn't mention Fox. They are too republican!) We're taking pics and trying to get on the news. We notice a crowd of people by the CNN booth. Then Light Bright spots him, Mr. Black Political Analyst Roland Martin. I can see him so clearly and am almost close enough to touch him, but I can't get a good pic. No problem, Keke gets a close-up. You can count the teeth in his mouth she's so close. Moving on.
INAUGURATION DAY, JANUARY 20, 2009 We wake up slightly after 5 and start getting dressed. I call JB at about 530 to see where she is and what time her fam is leaving. She's already there and the crowd is building. WTH? We finish getting dressed and I call Sharina. We are supposed to meet at the Huntington Metro at 6. We leave the house in plenty of time, but the traffic is horrendous. It takes us 30 minutes to park. Sorry, Sharina. As soon as we walk up, she spots me. I'm shocked because she hasn't seen me since middle school. It's great to see her. She has such a beautiful spirit. We get on the metro and everything's looking good. None of us can stop smiling. By the time we get to Pentagon City, there is no room on the subway. People were trying to get on, but there was nowhere to sit or stand. Sucks to be them! There are so many people that people are taking pics of the crowd. Finally, we get off and head to the National Mall. Sharina is looking for someone named Nicole. I'm kinda mad because I don't wanna wait, but then I remind myself that she waited on us for 30 minutes. I put my impatience in check and enjoy the moment. She gives up on finding her and we head to the Mall. Once we get there, we are freezing but cheesing hard. It's 730 and the thing doesn't start until 10. No prob. At about 830, there's a prob. It's 22 degrees and we've been outside for an hour. Nine o'clock rolls around and I'm ready to go. So is Keke. Kels says no because "we've come so far!" We suck it up. I sit on the cold ground. I know that's crazy, but I'm tired of standing. After I sit down, the guy in front of me lies in my lap and goes to sleep. I'm laughing because this is crazy. I tell Keke he's lying on me like my man! I think he hears me because he gets up. I beg him to lie back down! I need the warmth of his body! He does and I go to sleep. (Almost sounds sexual huh? No deal, he's about 60 and his wife is next to him! Did I mention he's white?) Finally, the clock strikes ten and everyone feels a sudden burst of energy. I stand to my feet, wave my flag, and cheer as loudly as humanly possible in 22 degree weather with two pair of pants and three shirts on! The scarf is wrapped around my mouth and nose, so my outside voice is muffled.
People start coming out. Joe Lieberman gets booed. So does Dick Chaney, even though he's in a wheel chair. Tough crowd, I suppose. Then George W. Bush comes out. I think he's about to get booed as well. Not happening. Millions of people start singing, "Na Na Na Na, hey, hey, hey, Good bye!" Terrible, yet funny as hell. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I definitely think he's an idiot, but at this point, he is still the leader of our country. It feels like treason! Then, my third favorite politician (behind John Lewis and Barack Obama) Colin Powell comes out. Everyone is screaming. We all love him, democrat, republican, man, woman, black, white, atheist, Christian, and everything in between. We can't help it. It's something about that man. Then Michelle Obama walks out in a gold suit looking simply amazing. She's so dignified. The crowd goes wild. Oh my, then we see the girls, Sasha and Malea (SP?). They are gorgeous and so cute. Yes, there's a difference. I think we are more in love with them than we are with their father. After hours of famous people parade in, we finally see the man of the hour. He looks so debonair and serious and humble. I cannot help but wonder what he is thinking. He looks like he is praying. He looks like he considering how to handle the business at hand. He looks like my president! Biden takes the oath and we all wave and cheer. Then Justice Somebody gives Barack the oath and screws it up. He's so smooth that he just stops and lets the justice get it together. Once he's sworn in, we yell louder than ever imaginable. We are yelling and screaming and smiling and hugging and crying. We are elated. We have just witnessed history in 20 degree weather with over a million strangers. We cry and listen to his speech. I promise I am listening, but all I can think about is that speech in Houston. Then I hear, "we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get back to the business that is America." I scream again. I, we, needed that. He goes on and people continue to shout, but I'm in another world. I'm amazed that he is black, that his wife looks like me, that his girls could possibly one day be my girl's role models, that the country has a love affair going on with this man, that his daddy is African, that he is the true definition of African American, that he will lead us, that he won a decisive majority, that I get to tell my baby and friends and family about this day, that I left my camera in the car, that I'm here with Kels and Keke and Sharina, that I'm here, that I'm here. Wait, I'm here. I'm witnessing this first hand. I'm amazed. The speech is over and I don't remember but three lines. I missed it. I couldn't focus. I'm not upset because in my mind, the speech is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that he was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States. I honestly wouldn't have cared if he didn't give a speech.
It's time to go. The four of us link up and rush to the metro. We are half listening to the benediction. When Rev. Lowry finishes, we hear the people singing the Star Spangled Banner. We join in and sing all the way to the Metro. The crowd there is crazy. It's much worse than it was upon arrival. We rush to the the yellow line arm-in-arm and Kels gets pushed and starts screaming, "It's an ovary there!" It's too funny! We are one of the first people to load the subway and get great seats. We head home in silence. Everyone is taking in what just happened. When people ask where I watched the inauguration, I'll smile and say, " I watched the inauguration of Barack Hussein Obama at the National Mall between the Capitol and Washington Monument with two million strangers."
Thanks Kels, Keke, Sharina, and Light Bright. I'll never forget this experience as long as I live.
Barack and Roll!!!

A Baby!!!!!

2008-07-27T15:03:00.004-05:00

Hello all! Guess what...I'm pregnant. Whowouldathunkit!!! I didn't even want kids and now there is a whole body growing slowly inside of me. I'm too excited. It took three tests for the excitement to come, but once I heard that heart beat, excitement turned to elation. I love it. It's weird. I look at myself in the mirror and just marvel at the changes my body is going through. My belly is so round and my nipples are so dark. (TMI I know, but reality!) I find myself smiling for no reason and rubbing my tummy at the most awkward moments. It's just exciting. I'm so happy.
There are times when I wonder if I am doing it wrong. I wonder, did I use too much salt or too much sugar. I just read the label of my prenatals and it said take on an empty stomach. I've never done that. I eat (yes, eat) them with my meal. Sometimes I forget. I know that's terrible, but another reality. I drank tea at Golden Coral once. I only had one glass. I wanted it so bad. I know he (or she) doesn't need the caffeine, but I had a moment of weakness. Oh and I didn't know I wasn't supposed to eat shell fish, so I had a bunch of that. Not too much, but I'm sure more than normal people. I'm from the coast; so I like seafood. My momma keeps telling me I worry too much, but this is my first baby and I want him (or her) to be healthy and happy. A part of me use to worry that God would punish me for past sins and something be wrong with my baby. I had to pray and let the go.
Oh yeah, I seemed to have disappointed someone very important to me. A little lady named Audrey. I hurt her. She read me the riot act. I was kinda upset, but everything she told me I would have said to her if the roles would have been reversed. I let her down and it's going to take a while for us to mend this fence.
While we are on the difficult parts, I had to tell my pastor. In hindsight, it's kinda funny, but at the moment, it was terrible. I went to the front of the church for prayer like I always do when something is bothering me. I was just crying. Then my daddy came and it seemed like a fresh wave of tears gushed out. When Rev. Hawkins asked what was wrong, I just stood there. The words wouldn't come out. He was looking at me like I'd lost my mind. He asked my daddy what was wrong, but instead of bailing me out like I wanted him to, he just said, "Whatever she needs." Pastor asked me again. Again, I stood there looking at the floor. When he asked the third time, I had to answer. I know there had to be a big spit bubble in my mouth. It was difficult. He was very supportive. I won't go into details but he basically told me to hold my head up and be as good a mom as I am woman. Warmed my heart. I still looked at the floor, but I felt better.
Ok so back to the excitement....Everytime I go to the doctor, the heartbeat is different. The fist time, it was so slow and soft, just tiny. It was amazing. All I heard was that heartbeat. Had my mom not been there, I wouldn't even know my due date, which by the way is Dec. 23. Another time I went, it was like a double beat. Boom boom...boom boom...boom boom. The last time, it was rapid. Yoli says it beats about 150-160 times per minute. Maya says it has to be a girl. She was so excited. She swears she not having kids. Blame it on her mom and labor!
I suppose that's enough. I could go on and on, but that's enough.

Oh yeah, names....If it's a boy, his name will be Ashton Nicholas like his mommy. If it's a girl, her name will be Elizabeth Adanne. My great-great granny's name was Eliza (and boy do I wish she were here, esp. now) and Adanne is Igbo for 'Mother's Daughter.' If by some terrible stroke of misfortune, I don't make it through labor, her name will be Elizabeth Ayanti. Ayanti is Efik for 'Will you remember me?'

Ok...I'm out. Glory to the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Caucus

2008-03-04T21:19:00.002-06:00

I caucused for the first time in my life today and it wasn't bad. We all gathered into a room, wrote our name and other info on paper, then noted who we were supporting. They tallied the numbers and my main man had 104 votes and Hillary had 50! He got 10 delegates and she got 5. We in the game baby! Then we had to vote for delegates. I was chosen as 1st alternate for the county convention. Right now, the votes are being tallied and she is leading 50% to his 48. That's ok. He won Vermont. She won Rhode Island. Texas and Ohio are still in the air. I'll have to add to this post once the official results come in!

SI, SE PUEDE!

BPARKER AGAIN

2008-03-02T20:23:00.002-06:00

Last night, I couldn't stop staring at this guy. He smiled incessantly and looked just like BParker. He just kept dancing and dancing, just like BParker. I miss him. I thought I didn't like him. Well, I still don't know if I do. I just know I miss him. Or maybe I miss being in a relationship. He says I'm afraid to like someone. IDK about that. I really don't know anything about relationships right now. I always end up with the crazies. Right now, there is a beautiful crazy wrecking my brain.

BPARKER

2008-02-29T21:34:00.002-06:00

Hello world! How are you on this fine Friday night? Great. Oh me, you ask? I'm slightly tipsy (as one of my co-workers so kindly pointed out). I'm good though. I just tried to call BParker (so maybe I'm not good), but he doesn't have the same number. I must admit that I was a little upset. I want to see him. I wish he would have happened into my life about a month after he actually did. When I met him, I was still on that Kerry trip. WTF was I thinking? Somebody should've slapped me. BParker is great. I wanted to like him, but something was in the way, something named Kerry. BParker was smart, charismatic, funny, all of the things that you say you want in a man. I just couldn't shake KC. Oh well. You win some, you lose some. In the infamous words of Lauryn Hill, you just lost one!

Change We Can Believe In

2008-02-21T20:37:00.003-06:00

I am finally posting about Tuesday's rally.

OMG!!! It was awesome. I absolutely loved it. CNN does his speeches absolutely no justice! (J/K! I love CNN!) It was amazing to be able to actually attend the rally. The energy and excitement was just contagious. Everyone was just so thrilled to be there. I was just excited to get in line.

I find myself smiling periodically and clapping sporadically at the TV. However, at the rally, I found myself smiling the entire time. Thanks to Lakia, I was right in the door. Had I not known her, I would have been at the very back. When I got there, the line was wrapped around like three times. I must admit that I was pretty worried on my way to the rally. I didn't get to leave work until 4:15. So I spent my entire drive worrying about whether or not I would get in. At one point, I thought I was driving the wrong way. I had to call Veronica and have her to mapquest me! (I do that often.) I couldn't miss it because I just love him and everything he stands for. Anyway, here are the lines of his speech that I really enjoyed(some of which must be paraphrased because I can't remember the exact words)...

"We can stop using immigration as a political football and actually start solving the problem." This I strongly believe. I can't seem to figure out why the Hispanics are supporting Hillary. What exactly is she doing for them? Is their support stemming from some long ago allegiance to Bill Clinton? I have yet to see the difference between the two of them. I do know that yesterday Hillary Clinton also called for an end to the political football being played with immigration. If I were Hispanic, I would have began to reexamine my support of her after she fired her Hispanic campaign manager after she delivered California.

Washington is a place where good ideas go to die. Though I agree with this for the most part, I think he may want to be careful because this sort of implies that Washington is doing nothing positive. Good things come out of Washington, just not enough good things.

"I opposed this war in 2002. I will bring this war to an end in 2009!...I don't just want to end the war; I want to end the mindset that got us in the war." This is self-evident. Just take a look at the number of our soldiers dying in Iraq. They are ill-equipped and dying at an alarming rate. Veterans are coming home to maltreatment. They are injured and the health treatment is subpar. Hillary supported this war and despite everything we now know refuses to say it was a mistake. I'm not convinced that she doesn't still have the mindset that got us into war in the first place.

I want to give college students a $4,000 credit, but college students are going to have to start doing more community service. I strongly agree with this. I love this idea. America is sinking on the world's educational and economic totem pole. The two are intertwined. One way to boost our economy is through a stronger educational system. The more people we educate, the more people we have to do the jobs that require analytical and critical thinking. These are the big bucks jobs. Foreigners are coming to America in alarming rates taking the jobs that we are not qualified to complete. Once we strengthen our educational system, we will enable ourselves to become competitive in the global market. Also, not enough people understand the significance of community service. Each of us has the responsibility to give back. Often times we tend to think that if we give of our finances then we have done enough. We need to give of our time and talents. I don't mean that once a year work for Habitat for Humanity (though I think it is wonderful and helps a lot of people). I think people need to consistently volunteer at a nursing home or Boys and Girls Club or school or youth center. We need to touch lives. We have to take care of our seniors and children. They are the substance of our existence. Sometimes people just need to know that someone cares.

I'm not here because of some preconceived ambition though some people have been searching through my kindergarten papers showing how I planned this years ago. I am here because of the urgency of now. The first part was funny. The second part touched me. Now is the time to stand up and take Washington to a new level. Bush has literally and figuratively destroyed our country. We are on the verge of recession. We are engaged in a war with Iraq that no one understands. Nor do we understand why we aren't fighting Afghanistan as vigorously. The housing market in a slump. The New York skyline has been forever altered. Gas prices are at an all time high and the companies are making colossal profits. (This is to be expected because Bush is an oil man.) There is definitely an urgency for change. The definition for stupidity is to keep doing the same things and expecting different results. We cannot continue to put these same bureaucrats in office if we want a better nation. Obama is change we can believe in.

Change in America does not happen from the top down. It happens from the bottom up. When will we realize that we have to be the change we want to see in others? It starts with individuals, regular, everyday people. We don't need a president or a governor or a senator to tell us what needs to be changed or improved. We know these things already. As those at the bottom, it is our job to find a mayor or govornor or president or congressman whose beliefs most closely resemble ours. For me, Barack is that Senator and President. I proudly chant,"Yes, we can!"

"We can restore some balance to our economy...When we got CEOs making more in a ten minutes than ordinary workers are making in a year, and it's the CEOs getting the big tax breaks, there is definitely something wrong." So what's really going on with the tax cuts. I'm not mad at the CEOs. They worked hard to put themselves in a position of power and deserve to reap the benefits. However, the tax breaks are rediculous. They help foster the term "working poor." That's oxymoronic. If you are working, you shouldn't be poor. Of course there will be those that splurge, those that need the bling, those that need to trips, those that need the clothes. I'm not referring to them. I am more concerned with those who go to work everyday and cannot afford gas and milk. Yet, they are paying a higher percentage to the governmnent than those who are making billion dollar profits. Did Spike Lee not tell us to wake up in School Daze. What's the hold up, America?

"Some of you know that I talk about hope a lot. My family gave me love, education, and hope. I put hope on all my signs and wrote a book called The Audacity of Hope . Nothing worthwhile every happens without hope.That is how this country was founded, a group of patriots. That's how slaves and abolotionists rid the country of slavery. That's how immigrants travel under great difficulty. That's how women won the right to vote. That's how workers earned the right to form unions." This is my favorite line of the entire speech. It shows from where we have come. It shows progress and the steps necessary for the progression. It further proves that change doesn't happen from the top down but the bottom up.

"We think that those children in inner city Houston are those :) children. We think that they are someone else's problem. That's not our problem. That's not our child. I'm here to tell you that every child is our problem. Is child is our responsibility. Every child needs to be nurtured and embraced. So we will invest in early child education....I will reward teachers for their greatness by giving higher salaries and more support. I don't want standards based on one high stakes test because I don't want our teachers teaching to the test." AH, A MAN AFTER MY OWN HEART! I think this is the perfect place to stop.

Goodnight!
Barack the vote!

Funny how situations change

2007-12-06T20:53:00.000-06:00

Wow! I finally took the time out to relax in front of the computer. I haven't done this in forever.....
I'm really not in the mood to talk about myself because work and sorority life keeps me superbusy. I guess I'll talk about my friends...
Let's start with Del-Teen....I haven't talked to her in forever and I actually miss her. She's working really hard to finish this master's program and I am so proud of her.

Darkie.....I'm pissed with her at the moment, but I guess that is to be expected. Sometimes I wonder why we are even friends. You know how sometimes you just don't like certain people. She's one of those people.

Pimp is really turning in her playa cards and I must admit that I don't want her to. Well, actually, I don't want her to turn them in for him. He's a loser and I don't like him. Funny thing is, I am sure she's told him. I talked to her today about that dress. I need to send in my measurements, but I am too embarrassed. My ass is fat, PHAT, but FAT.

Well, maybe I do want to talk about myself....I am tired of being single. I want a boyfriend. I want to come home to someone, someone to ask me about my day and really want to hear it. I want to talk to someone about my life decisions, though I am stubborn and probably wouldn't listen. I want someone to sit at my kids' games with me. I want to buy Christmas gifts for someone. I want someone to draw my bath. I want someone to send me flowers. I want someone to call and say "Let's go to Wal-Mart." I just want the comforts of being in a relationship.

I think this is being spurred by all of these weddings around me. I was in a wedding in Sept. One of my friends in getting married in March. I am in another wedding in June. Perhaps that is where all of this is coming from.

The older I get, the more open-minded I become. I used to pride myself on the fact that all of my friends are just like me. That was my naivete. Now I am proud that I am willing to embrace those traits that people possess that are the total opposite of me. I guess you could say I am growing. One of the things at which I try really hard is being a good friend. I like to think that I would never turn my back on my friend unless she or he hurt me. As of late, I am really starting to believe that. People are different. It's not for me to judge. The only thing I have to do is accept it or walk away. I've learned that good friends are sparce these days, so I have to do my best to hold on to them. I guess they were put in my life to make me more open-minded.

I have so much to say, as usual, but I don't have time, as usual.

Clarity and Confusion

Quickie

2007-10-07T19:49:00.001-05:00

I think I like my friend MA. We've been friends for a few years and I really do like him (I think). When I think about what I want in a husband, he fits the bill. We were just conve rsing about marriage and finances and his ideals almost fit mine. They aren't the same, but I would be willing to tweak mine so that they match his. I would have never considered this had he not asked me would I marry him. It's weird. It won't go anywhere, but I think I like him.

My kids are doing history fair projects this month and one of my girls is doing her project on Garvey. The theme is conflict and compromise. I think she will produce a great project. I really wanted to type about this, but I'm not in the mood right now.

This man pulled beside me yesterday and asked me what part of MS I was from. I told him and he informed me that he was from a small town outside of Jena. I said "Oh Ok." I had no idea where this was going. He then asked me if I knew what was going on in Jena; of course I did. He then said, "We need your kind to come help us fight in Jena." I rolled the window up on his dumb ass. I'm wondering what "my kind" is. I think he was referring to my hair. I'm not sure. I just think he was an idiot.

My girls won the other night. It really felt like a personal victory. I feel like it was all mine. I coached by myself, made all the calls. The other coach just sat in the bleachers. I feel good. We went to a high school volleyball game Friday. Those girls are in a whole different league. I wish I was that good at sports.

I have a lot to talk about;I just don't have the time or the energy to type.

I pray everyone has a blessed week.

Exhausted

2007-09-12T21:01:00.000-05:00

I have been superbusy this week. There is a StuCo advisor's meeting tomorrow and I have yet to type the agenda. I've written it. I just haven't typed it. I'm pretty excited about it. I wonder if the kids know how much goes into StuCo. Hell, I wonder if my co-sponsor knows how much goes into it. I just feel like I am doing all the work and others are hanging on to my coattail. I don't mean to sound like I am comlaining because I am greatful for this opportunity. I guess it's just because I am tired. I'm not mentally drained, just physically. I can handle that. As long as it's not mentally draining, I'm good! I'm going to type this out and pray for a productive meeting because there is a great deal of business to handle.
Volleyball season is up and running smoothly. My girls have had three scrimmages and have one tomorrow. Thus far, they have been winning. I pray it continues into the season. There is another scrimmage Saturday, but I can't attend it because I am going to a sorority meeting! *YAY* I'm too excited about that.
The academics of school are coming around quite smoothly. Grades have to be exported by Friday and I have most of my grades completed. I have one set of papers to grade because they will be turned in tomorrow; I have another set that my little cousin just finished that have to be put in during my planning period tomorrow. By Friday, I won't have anything to do but go home. I stayed at the school until seven tonight making sure most of my papers were graded and recorded. We have a game tomorrow and I knew I wouldn't be able to stay after.
Today is one of those days that I feel like blogging about the world in which I live. I am really perturbed about all the recent racist activities. The Jena 6 case bothers me a great deal, but I am more concerned about the young lady in West VA. I don't know what would possess a group of five to hold someone captive and force her to eat feces and drink out of the toilet. Then, they repeatedly stabbed her and called her a nigger. I am not so naive as to think that there is racism has been eradicated, but I don't know why I person, no people, would torment someone so pitifully for so long. Why hold this woman captive? Why her? What did she do to deserve such? Why didn't one of the five people put an end to it? A mother is supposed to explain right from wrong to her child. Of the five, two were mothers. One's son participated; the other's daughter. WTH?
Now on to Jena6...The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that all of this could have been avoided. I recognize that it was an issue with the "white tree" and something should have been done before now. It wasn't. However, as soon as the black students sat under the tree and nooses were hung by white students, something should have been done. I'm not saying they should have been expelled, but at least in-school suspension. I think that would have changed the entire situation. When the D.A. made the threats to the black students it sent the message that the black sudents were wrong. That, unfortunately, is what allowed this situation to grow into the terrible tragedy that it is today. OK...Since when does a schoolyard fight constitute attempted murder charges. I am not condoning the young men attacking the white student, but I don't think it's grounds for an attempted murder trial, especially since the young man was able to go to a school function the same night of the fight. At most, the young men should have been expelled. When that many people jump on one person, drastic measures need to be taken. However, something should have been to those white students jumping on the black students before that. Since it wasn't, there is nothing that can be done. All we can do now is make an attempt to set the wrongs right. We should start by removing the prosecutor since he is also a member of the school board. That alone is a conflict of interest. He can't serve on the board that decided not to punish the group of white students who attacked a black student then prosecute the same crime.
I don't know. I wish I could go to Jena, but I can't. I signed the petition and am working on a project to end the racism in my little corner of Houston. Maybe after that I can work on Houston, then Texas! Big dreams for a little woman!

2007-09-09T20:39:00.000-05:00

This has been a good weekend! I saw a funny, yet corny movie, I slept good, I went to the Natural Science Musuem, and the Cowboys are winning! Aw, Life's simple pleasures!

2007-09-03T00:06:00.000-05:00

School officially started one week ago and it was boring as usual. I'm not complaining, just stating the facts. The first day is always boring because you have a new group of students and you want to make sure they know the rules and operations of the school. My department chair took it upon herself to announce to the school that the Language Arts teachers would be responsible for dispersement of handbooks and relevant information.
I decided this summer to be more active in my school and sponsor Student Council. I am too excited about it. I have all of these grand plans. Sometimes, I over do it and principal brings me right back to reality. She's awesome. Anyway, KW and I took on that task and we are eager. We have an interest meeting for the students Wednesday. I have ambivalent feelings about it. One one hand, I am hoping a lot of student show up and are interested. On the other hand, I'm hoping it's just a few because I don't want their feelings to get hurt if they don't get elected. I think back to my days in high school and how so many teachers rigged elections. It used to make me so angry, but now I understand why. They had a favorite student and didn't want that student to walk away sad. I don't want any of them to walk away sad, but it has to happen. Rules of life. I told my students about that ONE time in undergrad that I ran for SGA and lost. I wanted them to know that there is no shame in losing. You campaign, do your best, and what is supposed to happen will happen. I was on Student Council in jr. and high schools, but it lost its appeal my tenth grade, maybe eleventh grade, year. Now I'm excited all over again.
OMG, you would never believe it. I am assistant volleyball coach. I told the coach that I know nothing about the sport, but I don't think she realized how terrible I am. I am athletically challenged. I'm uncoordinated and goofy. This should prove very interesting, or at least entertaining.
My cousin got married yesterday, and the wedding was so pretty. I looked too cute. I need to go in there and wrap my hair, but I'm sitting here talking to random people who fly by to read my latest happenings.
I think I've covered all I need to cover for this evening. I have to get ready for bed so that I can catch this flight out tomorrow. Until next time, happy poeple,....

Hola!

2007-08-12T00:08:00.000-05:00

Every now and again, I come through here, post, promise to continue, and never keep the promise. I guess I have to spend this time just playing mini-ketchup! ;)

The past year has proved interesting. I'm in the midst of starting my second year as a Texas educator and I am excited. Most of the enthusiam stems from the fact that this is the first job that I will have worked for two years. I seem to lack stability and maybe, possibly, even run from it. I can't really find anywhere I just want to plant my feet. I love it here but I am 99.9% positive that I will move within the next year or two.

I re-read a few of my old posts and am elated to say that I have yet to lose that person that I was so worried about. He is still in my life, though distant. He's working and taking care of his fam. He's manning up and I'm proud. I love that boy so much. I don't know how long this will last, but I have learned to live in the moment and accept happiness when I get it.

My love life is complicated. There is this guy in my life who I think is finally removed, but I am not certain. It's funny how we know something is not good for us, but we don't walk away. I'd been there before and honestly thought I wouldn't put myself in that situation again, but I did. This one was worse than the first one. I am grateful for the first situation because had I never experienced it, I probably wouldn't know how to leave well enough alone. I allowed myself to get put into a horrible situation and did something I probably shouldn't have, but oh well. I'm ok with that. Sometimes we make the wrong decisions for the right reason. I have to be careful though and leave vengence to the Lord because sometimes I want to do serious bodily harm to him. Pray for me about that one!

I don't know where I am headed as far as education. The plan at the moment is to go to UT and get a masters (maybe Ph.D.) in African American studies. We shall see how that pans out. Law school is 90% out of my mind. Maybe one day that desire will resurface. Only God knows.

I feel like I should write about something important in the world, like the 08 election or the bridge collapse or the murder of those Delaware State students, but I am feeling self-centered right now. As I type this, all I can hear is "You are a careless writer." You know, that bothers me. When I am writing for pleasure, I am careless. So what. If this was a paper that had to be turned in and graded, I would step up the vocab, check the grammar and mechanics, and change some awkward wording. But, (Yes, I started the sentence with but) it's not. So what does it matter. All that matters is that I type what I honestly feel. If it really bothers you, stop reading my damn journal.

Whew, now that that's out of the way....I need to check my myspace and facebook accounts. No that's what I want to do. I need to go to bed because I have to fly home tomorrow. It feels good to call somewhere other than your birthplace home. Yeah, I fly HOME tomorrow. I get to lie in my bed and watch TV. I get to walk around in my undies and drink water from the jug! I get to sleep on the couch and ignore the knocks at the door. Yep, I am going home tomorrow!

Tragedy and Elation

2006-10-05T17:44:00.000-05:00

Oh my, it has been so long! I completely forgot about this thing until this morning as I listened to the news of the Amish school girls' funerals.

There have been three school shootings within the past 11 days. Two of which I am certain were carried out by adult men. I don't understand why grown men would shoot up a school where there are children. I always thought of school shootings being that act of some odd-student-out. It's weird that they were adults.
Also, four athletes have died within a month's time. It seems that they all have heart problems and are all African American. I remember a girl died at basketball practice when I was in the ninth grade, but I didn't really know her. It seemed weird then, but to have four people die consecutively in one city for the same reason strikes me as a tad bit odd. The first was a high school freshman football player, the second a football player at Rice, the third a high school football player, and the third a female basketball player. I'm not sure how old she was. It's so weird.
If one of my kids died, I wouldn't know what to do. In such a short period of time I have grown so attached to those children. It's unreal. I love those kids so much. They never seem to amaze me. We have fun, but we are learning. I am learning Spanish. It's odd having majority hispanic kids, but it is so cool. I love the look on their faces when I call home and just start talking Spanish like it's my native language. Most of the time, I have to ask for a translator, but I am learning and fast. Then there are my kids from New Orleans. I think they are my favorite because they have so much spunk. People weren't lieing when they said the schools in NO we flawed. Some of my kids cannot read to save their lives. It's ok though because they read with confidence. They just try to sound the word out, get help if needed, and keep going. I like that. I'm not used to that. I'm used to students being embarrased because they cannot read. Not these.
Aww man, there is so much I want to say, but class is about to start, so I have to go.

What a day (for real this time)

2006-08-02T20:43:00.000-05:00

Oooh-Weee America! I was officially welcomed to Texas this morning! I get up and get dressed, all excited because today was the day that I was to meet my mentor. I twisted my hair all cute and shit, put on a little outfit from Limited, put on lipstick and eye shadow, and walked out to the car. When I got there, I noticed one of the tires were missing. Anybody who knows me knows that I am slow. I look at the tire and think to myself, dag Nik. you need to change the tire. So I go back in and change my shirt and shoes. I get back out and head toward the trunk to get the spare and notice that all my shits are gone. The Altima is sitting on bricks. BRICKS, ya'll. Somebody stole all my tires and rims. They were factories, nice factories, but factories nonetheless. The tires came from Wal-Mart, but good tires nonetheless. I guess that's why they got me. Needless to say, my whole mood changed! I come back inside call the police who take the darn report over the phone. He gives me a claim number and everything over the phone. He never once comes out, no dusting for fingerprints, no pictures, no nothing. I could have been making all that up. Then I call GEICO and they assign my case immediately and send Enterprise to pick me up! While waiting, I stand outside, protecting what's left of my car and the nosey neighbors come out and start a conversation. They told me somebody called them and told them to go look. WTH? Normal people act like they are taking out the trash or something. They aren't noticeable and they definitely don't start a convo. So anyway, by the time it's over, there are five people standing outside talking about their cars and radios being stolen, people hitting their cars in the parking lot for no reason, people dying from bat bites, all kind of shit that happens in this complex. By the time the convo is over I am wondering if I am even safe standing out there. But back to Enterprise...They weren't lying on the commercial; they really do pick you up!) There I saw the cutest, yellowest little boy from New Orleans. He made me laugh and I quickly felt better. So Enterprise gives me this RED (MERLOT) Ford Taurus. I drive off and mope around for a while, but eventually go back to the hood. I called the apt. complex that I want to move into and drove over there. Of course I got lost, but I found it on my own, after driving around for a nice little minute. I paid the deposit and I will move in Monday. In the meantime and between time, I am staying at another cousin's. A nice father and son team towed my car and took it to Nissan. This is definitely something I wasn't expecting. I'm from the ghetto homie! So anyway, that's my day in a huge nutshell. What a welcoming gift! I guess they didn't want me to go back to MS!

What a day

2006-07-27T22:17:00.000-05:00

Today was gooooood. I signed my contract today. I will probably go to the school tomorrow. Maybe, depends on how I am feeling. I am too excited about the pay increase. I'm gone be rich! So after I realized that I am going to be rich, I continued my apartment search. I narrowed it down to two. Ok, three. I am looking at two one bedrooms and a two-bedroom. I really don't need that two bedroom, but I want it. Common sense tells me to go with the cheaper one bedroom bc it is nice and in a good neighborhood, but that bougie part of me that creeps out sometimes wants the more expensive , roomier one. I really don't need two bedrooms bc I'm not expecting much company. I think I am going to go with the smaller one bedroom and be sure to buy a couch with a bed. Yeah, that's what I am going to do and sleep on it until I get a bedroom set. Ha. That was easy. Anyway, I got a haircut today! It is all gone! Literally. I like it; I really do, but I wanted it to be a little messy and I didn't get that. If I play with enough, if will look messy. It's so cute. I look like a whole different person. I caught a glimpse of myself getting out of the shower and had to do a double take. I'd forgotten that fast, but all did was smile in the mirror! RR said I look like someone who went to Tougaloo in the 60s. I told her I'm about to start a revolution! You know what, I think it's abot to be a revolution for real. That's one of the reasons I am going to law school! I know it sounds crazy, but I can feel it! So anyway, tomorrow, I go back to studying for the LSAT. I haven't picked up the book all week because I have been ascertaining that everything was in order for work and school. I've also been apartment hunting. But all I have left is deciding on an apartment. I need to study for the TEXES, but I am sure I'll do fine!
Holla Black

Ask

2006-07-24T23:56:00.000-05:00

When the year began, I asked God to remove those people from my life that have not meant me any good. He has removed three people and I thank Him dearly. With each of those people, I was lying to myself and losing a part of me to better accomodate them. So I thank Him for that. But now, I am at a point where I don't know I don't know if I will be ok with this next loss. I must say none of these are physical. Thank God. All are emotional. Now, I am about to have to say goodbye to someone I would lay down my life and die for and I don't know how I am going to deal with that. At this very moment, all I want to do is hold him and tell him that I love him and everything will be ok. I can't though because I'm in Texas. Even if I wasn't, I wouldnt do it. I don't know how to be that supportive when I love someone as much as I love him. I don't know how I am about to deal with this. I need God. I know He will bring US out, because it's really not about me, but I just wish this situation never aroused and He didn't have to bring us out.

I love you with all that is in me.

church and mingling and LSAT

2006-07-19T21:38:00.000-05:00

OK...I am midway through the week and it has been good! Church was so good Sunday, I went back tonight. The only church I have ever gone to on Wednesday is my own, not for prayer meeting, bible study, revival, nothing! So this church must be wonderful! The preacher is absolutely wonderful! Sunday's sermon was about homosexuality and though I didn't think he was talking about me, he did a wonderful job with his deliverary. What I liked most was that though he condemned homosexuality, he didn't condemn the homosexuals. He said it was an evil spirit living within that person and they just needed God/Jesus to deliver them from it. I liked that. He went on to say that we all have evil spirits and we all need God to deliver them from us. So tonight, he preached about a man who had a spirit living within him. (MARK 5) He didn't go in detail, but the man was cutting himself, so to me, that just solidfies that the devil comes to kill and destroy. When the man saw Jesus, he ran up to him and sparked a conversation. So, to me, that means the man wanted help. All Jesus said was "Demons come out." (paraphrasing here) Then He asked the man his name. The devil replied, I am Legion. For we are many." So, to me, when one spirit possesses you, it invites others to do the same. For example, when you have a lustful spirit, you have a tendency to have a fornicating spirit. So anyway, the spirits came out of the man and possessed 2,000 pigs. All of those spirits were in that one man. No wonder he was cutting himself. The pigs then drowned in the sea and assumingly, the spirits drowned with them. The man was so glad he wanted to follow Jesus, but Jesus told him no and to go spread the good news. Anyway, he said that we all need to tell our spirits to get out and walk closer to God. He said that some of us don't tell our spirits to leave because we have become comfortable with them. He also said that by definition, demons cannot possess Christians, they just trespass. He said they cannot possess us bc possess means to own and we are bought with a price already, so the best they can do is trespass. In the the midst of that, they try to get us to do evil things because again, Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy. So before, we let satan do those things, we need to tell him to get out! What I am trying to say is that church was good!

Tomorrow, I am going to Cocktails and Conversations. I have been saying that I was going since I got here, but for some reason, I haven't. I promise myself that I am going tomorrow. If I don't go home Friday, I am going to an open mic Friday and Saturday. I can't really enjoy myself if I don't get out and mingle. So I have been conversing with some sorors and I expect to meet some more of them tomorrow! After that, I should enjoy more of Houston.

I have been studying for that darn LSAT. Whew! It is difficult. I purchased a prep book and took the diagnostic test. On the reading part, there are 27 questions and I answered 21 of them correctly! GO ME! On the logical reasoning, there are 24 questions, and I got 6 correct! NO ME! I didn't even get halfway through it. I was timing myself like I was actually taking the test. SO yesterday, I spent 8 hours practicing the logic games. I can solve them now, but I'm still not quick enough. Today, I spent 2.5 hours on the logic games and I plan to study some more before I go to bed. It is really hard and I am for real struggling. It's cool though. I have until September 30, so I should improve some. I need to get like a 160, I guess. I don't really know what's good and what's not. I'm going to continue prepping myself and see how I do.

2006-07-13T21:18:00.000-05:00

OK...I hate when people can't just tell me how they feel. That is super annoying. As adults, it seems like we should be able to say what's on our minds. Damn.

Home sweet home

2006-07-10T23:00:00.000-05:00

I have had so much fun this past week. Rarely ever do I go home and want to stay. My intentions were to leave on Wednesday, no later than Thursday. I just got here and it's Monday, 11 p.m. Last night, I decided to leave at 8 am. I left at 3pm. Then there was an accident on 10. I sat still for 30 minutes straight. Then when I finally did start moving, it was at a snail's pace. It took me 30 minutes to get 3.6 miles. So, that together is the reason it's 11 o'clock.

My folx had a block party on the 4th and it was wonderful. I started uploading the pics on facebook, but I got booted from the net. I will probably finish later. Anyway, LJ came to spenf the 4th with me and my folx. She looked so cute! It was good sitting and talking with her. Everybody stayed outside talking, playing cards, and dancing until about 10. Somebody bought some fireworks and put on a show for the little children. They were just smiling. Amaya made me stand with her because teh noise scared her. She thought they were pretty, but wasn't too fond of all that noise. At about 10,11, Rita, Netta, and I went to Krebs. Aww man, it was so many people out there. As usual I ran into people I hadn't seen in a while. We saw OJ. He ended up coming over to the house. That boy is so cute! Anyway, I stayed with Netta the entire time I was at home.
Oh yeah, Friday night, about nine of us went bowling. That was the best. I hadn't been bowling with a group in a long time. I went bowling on my birthday, but it wasn't a lot of people. We were playing boys against girls and we lost. The first time, we lost by about 20. The second time we lost by like 100. Either way, it was fun. We had a blast.
I spent all day Friday with Rita getting prepared for her baby's party. I bought her some cute little outfits from Children's Place. I tried to buy her a cake, but she wouldn't let me. I got my sister's baby something, too. I called my brother and his girlfriend to see what size my other neice wears, but neither answered the phone. Now that I think about it, they still haven't called me back! Anyway, Rita and I had a good time. I don't think I've spent an entire day with her since high school either. I love that girl so much. I didn't realize how much I missed her.

My sisters and I planned to take the children to Disney World at the end of the month, but we had a slight change of plans. My sister in Va. requested off for my father's birthday and is supposed to make a trip to MS. So maybe, we can go then. Or maybe, we need to shoot for Thanksgiving. I'll run that by them tomorrow. We need to do somehing. We haven't taken a family vacation since 2000. (I'd just graduated high school!)

Anyway, I just had to post about the wonderful time I had at home.

quick vent

2006-06-27T16:22:00.000-05:00

i feel like screeming i just drove 30 miles to meet my father and he talked to me for about 7 minutes thats not the whole problem though i told him where i was in houston and he gave me directions i had to call him back bc the exit that he said was first was not when he answered, he responds i dont know where you are you are on the other side of town thats too far im sorry baby didnt know you were way over there so i turn around and start driving back to the house bc obviously whereever he is is too far after i pass two exits he tells me to turn around and meet him somewhere else so im driving and driving he keeps calling my phone talking about nothing trying to figure our where i am and i growing more aggravated by the minute because not only am i wasting gas and minutes, i was in the middle of pressing my hair and i look crazy with the top of my hair in a supernappy ponytail and the back as straight and pretty godforbid i have to stop and ask for directions because we all know i am bad with them then on the way back traffic was HEAVY and my brother wanted to go to the barbershop the only problem is he doesnt know where any are so we are driving and driving searching and searching with no luck but i did find somewhere to get my toes done for this weekend we finally found one but no i am beat tired i am about to lay down and relax then finish this light press i am doing on my hair and let my cousin braid it some kind of way she didnt want to braid it in its natural state so i have to press it lightly to make it easier to manage

peace and blessings

Nothing

2006-06-22T20:19:00.000-05:00

The past week has been pretty good. I turned all my stuff in for school today. I almost panicked, but then I remembered that God sent me here. So I relaxed.
I am 24 now! My birthday kinda started slow, then I got a phone call and Tory was outside. I would go into detail about Tory, but he's not important. I did, however, spend a good part of my day with him. We went to Olive Garden and I ordered something with asiago cheese and shrimp. It was really good. Then they brought me chocolate cake and sang happy birthday in Italian. Being that I don't speak Italiain, I don't know what the hell they were saying! Then we went bowling. Yes, in the middle of the day! Of course I didn't win, but I did bowl over 100! Tory bowls in tournaments so I really didn't think I would win. I just thought it would be fun and it was. It gave me an opportunity to talk shit. After that, I went home and washed my car. I was supposed to be going to the movies with one of my cousins, but we just rented movies and talked. By the time, the movie was over, I was sleep. I knew I wasn't going to make it. We did finish that cake from Olive Garden though. That was basically it for the birthday but I really enjoyed myself.
I am back in Houston and still loving it. I wish I could tell some of the interesting things I am doing, but I'm not doing anything. I just like being here. Oh, I got lost today! I was trying to take a different route home from school. It worked until I missed my exit. By the time I saw it, it was too late. I just took the closest exit and made a u-turn. Well, I missed it again. This time, I didn't see anywhere to turn around so I drove around for a minute. I finally turned around and caught my exit. No biggie! I was kinda excited. Who knows? I get excited over first times. This was the first time I got lost for real. I was excited when I got my first ticket, too! I don't know. I guess I have issues!
I wish I had more to talk about, but I don't.
Holla Black!

JOB HUNTIN PART II

2006-06-14T13:54:00.000-05:00

I went on two interviews today, one at 9 and one at 11. Last night, I prayed for the one at 11. I got to the nine o'clock interview about 20 minutes early and the principal interviewed me immediately. I think I was finished by like 910. I don't know the area so I didn't want to go too far off. I saw a Macdonald's about a quarter mile away from the school, so I went to get breakfast. I wasn't even hungry, I just needed something to do to pass the time. I stayed in that McDonald's until 10, thinking and people watching. I just didn't have anything to do. I arrived at the second school at 1020. I was just sitting there, talking on the phone when my brother called and told me one of my exboyfriend's father passed. Man, that was a blow. I loved that man. The last time I saw him, he begged me to call his son. I didn't. But about a month ago, I became really worried about him and have tried to see him everytime I went home. Maybe I should have been worried about his dad instead of him. I guess I will finally see him at the funeral because I definitely going home.

OK, that was my ADD. Back to the job hunt. So anyway, I finally went into the building. I completed a profile sheet and introduced myself to the assistant principal, whom I immediately liked. I went into her office and realized why I liked her...she's a soror. So I talked to her, answered her questions, and feel confident that I am going to get the job. The lady gave me her number and a number to call for certification. So I left there and went directly to a certification office. The man there told me that because of my gpa and number of English and Education hours I had, I probably wouldn't have to take too many classe. So now I have to complete the application for enrollment into the program there. It requires three references, an essay, and something else, can't recall at the moment. I am sure I am going to get that job that I interviewed for at 11. The school must be a good school because they have an International Baccalaureate (IB) program. I have another interview at 9 tomorrow. I'm going, but I'm really not tripping about it.

So that's it. I'll be moving soon, don't know when. I need to send in a letter of resignation from TC.

JOB HUNTIN

2006-06-13T13:59:00.000-05:00

Aiight, ya'll. I hit the streets again today! My interview went well. The lady at HR told me that I will be hired in the district and told me to call five middle schools to set up interviews to see where I will be best suited. She then told me that if none of those work out to call her back and she will place in one of the high schools. I am praying that one of the middle schools work out because I do not want to go to an high school. I have applications to other districts, but I am claiming this one! I really don't feel llike posting, but I figured I would update the world (and keep a log so that when I look back, I'll know what was up).

I's here!

2006-06-12T09:59:00.000-05:00

Houston, we have lift off! I have arrived. It took me 6.5 hours to get here. I stopped twice, once to get money out of the ATM in Gulfport and once in Baton Rouge. While in Baton Rouge, I stopped at an Exxon to fill up, eat at Subway, and get a cappaccino. The praline was an added bonus! While I was in there, a little black boy was stealing for a white woman. I kinda got pissed. She was pointing out things and he was pocketing them. The lady that worked in the store pointed him out to another guy, who I am assuming was her boss. By the time she noticed him, he was walking out of the store. The manager(?) didn't seem to care. He didn't write down a tag number, try to stop the boy or the woman, nothing. What is the world coming to? A little (black) boy is stealing, stealing meaningless shit(juice and energy drinks), stealing for someone else (white woman), and the manager doesn't have a care in the world. I guess it ain't his shit, so oh well.
Anyway, so I finally made it after crossing numerous bridges. It was an easy drive, straight shot. I had to jump off 10 to get on 12 then back to 10. That was it, simple drive. I rode with Kanye for a while, then John Legend, then a mix CD. After that I rode with the radio and talked on the phone. My friends were pretty good about making sure that I knew they would talk to me if I got sleepy. I didn't leave until 6, so they were pretty worried. I wasn't. I was determined, destined to be here. I really believe God sent me here. I am going to great things here! I can feel it.
I am supposed to be getting dressed to meet this woman at 12 to go to her district, which is the second highest in the area and has 9 vacancies. I'm pretty excited about that. I just had to post right quick. I'll be back to post how it went, unless I start enjoying the town too late!

UPSET

2006-06-08T00:48:00.000-05:00

WHO IS THIS MAN HOSTING ANDERSON COOPER 360? I'M ABOUT TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL IF I CAN'T SEE THE MAN WITH THE OCEAN IN HIS EYES!

LEAVING

2006-06-07T23:17:00.000-05:00

I am going to Houston Sunday! I'm pretty excited about that. I learned that Texas does not accept the Praxis and I will have to take their state test, but that's cool. They have a lot of programs designed to help you and they give you a year to pass it. I don't think I will have a problem getting a teaching job, but if I do, I will just do something else. I just don't want to be here anymore. I am 99.9% certain that I am leaving. It's about that time. It seems like my life is changing everyday. Each day something new happens and makes me evaluate my situations and thought process.
Today I had to evaluate my views on friendship and make sure I really believed what I said I did. I do. There are certain instances when we have to compromise because of our friends, but there are also certain principles, core principles that we have to hold steadfast and be unyeilding. For the past four months, maybe longer, I have been struggling with this one friend and her relationship with one of my ex boyfriends. I have tried diligently to understand her point of view, but I just cannot. I have tried to accept her decision and still hold to my beliefs, our opinions are so contradictory that it is impossible. I feel like if I continue the relationship with her, then I am ignoring what I believe in my heart is wrong. She feels like if she discontinues her relationship with him, she is ignoring what she thinks is wrong. Either way, something has to give. So I chose to give up the friendship. It may seem selfish, but for the life of me, I just don't understand and I firmly believe she is wrong. So I had to let it go. It hurts tremendously, but I have to do it because I really can't get over it. I think if you can't let go of something, you have to walk away from it because there will be constant reminders and constant problems that keep stemming from it. This goes for friendships and intimate relationships. Ok, I just had to get that out of my system. Now I am LEAVING that alone too.

2006-06-05T00:38:00.000-05:00

Life is good. I'm back to being optimistic. Life is looking up. God has something in store for me.

I am ready to cut my hair. I went to get it cut Tuesday, but my beautician wouldn't cut it. She said it's because it won't look the way I want it because it has been pressed out on a weekly basis for about two months. I told her to do it anyway, but she didn't. Instead, she rolled it on the gheri curl rollers and it is absolutely adorable. At first, I didn't like it, but when I pulled the curls out yesterday, I fell in love with it. It is just beautiful and extremely wild. I love it. I have gotten so many compliments. One of my cousins told me she didn't want me to ever press it again, so of course I was cheesing. When I got back to Jackson, two girls told me they liked it. That was a good thing because I was going to wash it out. I guess I will wear this look a little longer.

I am starting my job search in the morning. I really enjoyed working at BMS this year, but I think it's time to spread my wings. I think I have lived in Mississippi long enough. This year has solidified that I do not want to teach in Mississippi. I just kept running into problems. Friday put the icing on the cake. I sent some crucial documents to the state department and rather than them sending them to where they needed to go, they sent them back to me. The lady that they should have been sent to told me that if I could track it and prove that it was mailed to the wrong place, she would allow me to enter the program. I did that and called her back. Then she told me that there was nothing she could do for me this year. So I got pissed, but only briefly because I was thinking about moving anyway. That was just something else trying to get me to move out of Mississippi.

Anyway, I want to go to Houston. I talked to one of my cousins in Houston who is supposed to be talking to someone else on my behalf. I don't know how that will pan out, but I starting my research project this week. That's the task at hand so that I can go to Houston next week for interviews. I must say that I am extremely excited. I'm ready for a change of scenery. I don't think I can stay here any longer. I am losing my fire here. I need some new embers, a new spark. I think a new place will give me that. I'm not sure, but I am praying for guidance and nothing is in my head but Houston.

My parents had a anniversary party this weekend and it was absolutely beautiful. I didn't cry either! It was nice to hear other people speak on how my parents have inspired and helped them in ways big and small. It was nice to have so many family members around, too. Of course, that one aunt that gets on everyone's nerves did her job and pissed a few people off, but it was just beautiful. Everyone wore white linen suits and just looked so lovely. My parents truly love each other and it is so obvious in everything they do. My momma remarrying was one of my biggest blessings. My dad really loves my moma and raised my siblings and I as were his. He has never showed favoritism, ever. He is just a good man and I hope I marry someone just like him. I admire my mom's big heart the most. It seems like she has enough room for everybody in that little heart. My moma was/ is extremely strict and controlling, but she would give her last to someone in need. She would give someone else's last if she thought somebody needed it. She just has a big heart. I admire that so much. I remember growing up and my moma taking in all these strange people. I remember three kids living with us because something was wrong with their mama. My moma went out and bought those kids so many clothes. My sisters and brothers and I were so mad because she used to swear she was broke, but now I appreciate that. Those kids needed those clothes. The things we wanted were simple, had to be because we were blessed with more than enough. Then I remember when the twins came! We loved those girls, Shana and Alana. My moma spoiled the shit out of those girls. They were five when they first came. Then we took in their mom and my daddy was pissed, but my moma let her stay there anyway, with no job and not contributing in any way. That's just the type of person she is. I love that woman.

I'm sure that's not it, but those are the highlights of the past week.

OH YEAH....SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER!!!!!!!!!

2006-05-24T22:23:00.000-05:00

WHEW! Today my kids had a field day and they had a blast! I think the best part of it was getting to play the teachers in basketball and kickball. We beat them in kickball, but on the three-on-three basketball games, some student teams beat the teacher teams. Then they dunked about five members of the staff about five times each. Those children were too close. Needless to say, I came home and got straight in the tub. I should have pressed my hair out, but I didn't feel like it.
OK, I am ready to look for a job! I am strongly considering going back to Yazoo, but it really doesn't matter. I hope I can get somewhere close to Jackson so that I can keep this current job. That way I can pay this carnote off and have one less financial burden.
I think Mr. Interesting and I going to see The Da Vinci Code this weekend. I miss being in his presence. His conversations are so stimulating and he is just hillarious.
I am talking to this other dude and we are not going to make it. He gets on my nerves with his stupid questions and comments. He likes to argue simple, dumb shit. Then he had the gall to start talking about wedding plans, so I had to get off the phone. LOSER. I think I need to go ahead and let this one go because he is not all the way there.
I have to call the best friend to see what the weekend plans are. Everytime I go home, she asks what we are going to do. Maybe we can go to Outback because she loves it.
I wonder if a game will be on this weekend because my dad and I usually watch games together.
Let me get off this thing because I really don't have anything to talk about.

What a day!

2006-05-21T00:51:00.000-05:00

Wow, I have been up and running since 7 a.m. I got up, checked e-mail and facebook, talked to my friend and my Mr. Interesting, showered and dressed all before 9 a.m. That's quite a lot for a Saturday morning.
Then Jameka and I went shopping for something to wear to graduation. I ended up buying two dresses, shoes, and accesories. Then we had lunch at Lenny's. I have enjoyed spending time with her these last two days. Last night we went to eat at Roadhouse (?). I'd never been there because I am not too fond of steak, but my ribs were wonderful. They had peanuts shells on the floor like Logans (though Jameka says Logan's is knock-off of Logans.) and I couldn't help but think about BOB thinking that was the most unsanitary thing in the world. It's funny how something that you want so bad just might not be in the cards.
After shopping and lunch, I went to the mixer with my sorors. That was nice. It was good seeing my line sisters and older GO members. Soror Celia Carr was there. She said she is celebrating the 55th anniversary of her graduation this year. The woman looks GOOD! She drove herself to the mixer and just sat there, talking, chilling. A few of my sorors decided to crash a wedding reception that I did not get an invite to (neither did most of them). I knew the couple was getting married, but I was kinda shocked (in a way) that I didn't get an invite.
After leaving the mixer, I went to see a co-worker's daughter play soccer. I had never been to a soccer game and i thoroughly enjoyed it. I pretty much like all sports if I am watching in person. The only sport I really like to watch on TV is basketball, and only NBA. Anyway, back to the soccer game...It was so fun. Those little girls were playing their hearts out. They lost though, but it was fun. They are the only select black team in the state and they are good. Their goalie was awesome, even though they scored on her twice!
OK...After I left the soccer field, I met another friend, who's nice enough, at the video store and picked up some Nicholas Cage movie. I think it was called Lord of Wars or something like that. It wasn't what I expected, but it was interesting nonetheless. I fell asleep on it, but only because it was late. My body starts shutting down at 1030.
So that brings me back here at 1230 in the a.m., checking e-mail and facebook. When I checked it a few minutes ago, I got some pretty disturbing news, but I may just be jumping to conclusions. I will know better tomorrow or the day after once I talk to the person, but I'm almost sure I am right bc shit just ain't right.
Anyway, I'm going to close this post and talk to my cousin on messenger!
Oh yeah, Ray Nagin won the elections in New Orleans. I'm excited about that, but I hope he learns how to control his mouth and lets go of some of those racists sentiments!
Night Errybody!

LOL

2006-05-15T20:36:00.000-05:00

A quick post

2006-05-08T00:48:00.000-05:00

I have been on this computer approximately one hour and have yet to do what I am supposed to be doing-writing that final paper. I am half way through it. I have checked facebook and e-mailed my professor. I've read old posts and caught up on my friends' posts. I even read a blog that I don't normally read. Now I am talking to Tanjala on this fridging messenger. I have to do better.

I went to church today and loved it, as always. Well, today the pastor asked me where he knew me from and I told him that I couldn't recall. (Whenever I say I can't recall, it means that I just don't want to say.) When I think about where I know him from, it makes me not want to listen to him. His sermons are powerful though. We have to learn how to separate the man from the message.

Oh, today I turned to BET (which is a rarity in itself) to hear some gospel music while getting dressed. Well, they were having a conversation about 'prosperity preachers.' When I went to Atlanta, I went to my LS's church and all her pastor preached about was how to get rich. That kinda bothered me because I think there are too many lost souls for a man to spend an hour in the pulpit talking about how to gain wealth on earth. My LS said I missed the point because the point of the message was for you to get rich then give back to someone else. Giving back is good, but how put preaching about salvation so that souls are saved and they can go minister to someone else. BACK TO BET Someone on there said there is nothing wrong with the preacher having 3 Bentleys, as long as the members aren't in the poor house. My friend and I agreed with her on this one. The other two people on the show (who were coincidentally men) said nothing is wrong with it because God didn't intend for us to be poor and the people are choosing to go the church and give the man their money. The people are choosing to go the church and give their money, but that's because they are promising them blessings for giving. These people have just fallen victim to false prophets. I need to end this and go back to that paper. Two points....Preachers need to start preaching about the gospel and how to get to heaven rather than preaching those "get rich or die trying sermons." (Another pastor in Atlanta called them that. I think I am going to have to go hear him next week.) 2. BET is horrible and people need to boycott it until it starts uplifting the black race. I know that's way off topic, but I hate BET.

Freaking Liger

2006-05-06T09:38:00.000-05:00

That came from Napolean Dynamite...lion and tiger.

I wrecked my freaking car! It's official that I cannot drive. I was trying to go around a car and side swiped the hell out his bumper. I got a quote for $1200. I guess I will get it fixed next week. Don't know yet. Maybe I will get take it to the body shop while I am in Atlanta. That way I won't have to get a rental. If I do though, it doesn't matter because that's why I ahve insurance.

I have to go back to Cingular today. This will be the third trip I have made about this phone and I haven't even had it 2 months. The first time they had to give me a new battery. The second time they had to give me a new phone. This time, I want a different make and model. That makes no sense. The phone has been saying searching since last night at about 930. I powered off and on five times. Nothing is working. No matter where I am, it doesn't work. I can't dial 911 or 611. That's some bull shit.
I have a 12 page paper to do as well. It's due Tuesday. I am going to have to work all day today and tomorrow on it. I will use Monday to study for my final.

I am addicted to that darn facebook. I check that darn thing daily. Most of time more than daily. It's a good way to maintain contact with old friends/ acquaintances. It's a good way to make new ones, too. I have a huge crush on this guy I have never met, never held a conversation. I'm usually attracted to thinking people, smart people. It's not like he goes around using a slew of big words or anything, but from his profile and photo albums, you know he must be a "thinking man." He's pro-black, too. Tougaloo instilled that in me. Sometime while at Tougaloo, I started reading only books by African Americans. I read a few autobiographies and a ton of fiction. Either way, it helped me learn about my history and better understand myself. It wasn't only the reading, it was the conversations with the people around me. Ok, back to my crush....Did I mention he was cute? And frat? Well, he is. That makes him even better! I don't know if he is just book smart, but he is definitely well-read and seems to care about the plight of our race. He has a daughter,too. She looks just like him. Anyway, I have spent more time talking about him than I did about my darn car, so I will just stop.

Seems like it's road trip time again. I will headed back to Atlanta next weekend to see my spec receive her second master's and she's not even 25! ~*~Congrats Ranada~*~ I don't know who I am going to road trip with once my buddy moves to the most common trip destination!

That's about it. I guess I need to head to Cingular then to the library!

Currently

2006-05-01T21:46:00.000-05:00

I'm in a good mood right now. I'm just happy. My friend LJ and I went home this weekend and spent time with the family. I don't know. I just had a nice little time. God is working on my fam right now. He is taking us throu something. We all have our moments when it seems like we are at our worst. My sister went through it a few years ago. My brother is going through something right now. I really think God has a divine purpose for his life and he has to go through his current situation to get to it. I don't exactly know how I feel about it right now. I know what is going on, but I almost feel like it's not. I haven't fully accepted it. Sunday we had dinner together and took pictures. I don't think my brother really understood what was on my mom's mind because he left. I think if he really knew why she wanted us all to eat together, he would have stayed. Yet, with his current mindset, he probably wouldn't have. Before we went to eat, we took family portraits. We hadn't done that since I was in kindergarten. The only reason I remember it was then is because I had long pony tails. When I was in the first grade, I traded them in for a gheri curl! :) I don't know. I cried Friday on my way home, but that's it. Maybe tomorrow when something actually happens, then I will cry. I don't know.
Anyway,though it doesn't seem like it, I am in a good mood. Nothing particularly good happened today. Class was boring. We watched Scotland, PA. It's a horrible adaptation of Macbeth. It sucks. It's a comedy. It just wasn't good. The other people in the class liked it though. KH is trying to steal my man on facebook. They both are going to come up missing! I need to work on my final paper. I can knock it out later. It shouldn't be that hard.
Aww man, I have been reading ASSATA and it is awesome. The woman is great. Her story is educating me. I've known for sometime that Lincoln didn't "free" the slaves because he loved black people. I knew it was for economic reasons, but when I read his words quoted in her book, it's unbelievable. There is a part in there where he says that if he could save the union without freeing any slaves he would. If he could save the union by freeing some slaves and leaving others where they are, he would. Then there is a part where he says that the only thing a black man can do it shine his shoes and something else. Then he talks about trying to find a way to send all the slaves somewhere else. He says he really doesn't care, just as long as they leave the U.S.
She briefly mentions Congress purposely giving blankets that were infected with small pox to the Native Americans. It was weird because I'd just seen an episode of South Park where the Native Americans gave small pox infested blankets to the white people. People kept telling me that the directors of South Park are politically correct, but I'd never watched it. Kinda like The Boondocks. Well, I guess they were right, but if you don't know what they are playing off of, you wouldn't get it.
The other day, I was reading something. It was probably the part about her name change. I almost went and cut my hair off. I wanted to change my name. I love Ashley because it fits my personality. I think I could have been a Tiffany, but I think Ashley fits. I just wanted a name that meant something, not the name from the white girl on Young and the Restless. She talks about people with perms being revolutionaries and people with fros not being revolutionaries. That was good. I need to figure out when I am going to fight.
I also started reading Jasmine Guy's biography of Afeni Shakur. The tone of it is so different than that of ASSATA. Assata's book is more dramatic, I guess. From the first page, I was drawn into it. I had to know what was going to happen. I had to know what made her a Black Panther. I needed to know why she was charged with such heinous crimes. Afeni's bio is more so a story. It's like a conversation between two friends. You can see the mutual respect between her and Jasmine. Afeni just seems like a nice, down-to-earth country girl. I know she's a Panther because Assata mentions her in ASSATA and Nikki Giovanni talked about her when she came to Tougaloo. I'm sure once Afeni starts talking about "the revolution" I am going to be just as engrossed in her book as I was ASSATA. Afeni makes it clear that she does not want to be "fascinating." I just want to be enlightened. It's so much I don't know. She tells Jasmine about the Native Americans in a neighboring town running the KKK away and Jasmine asks her if that was her first taste of "revolution." She quickly corrects her and tells her that it was her first taste of "resistance." It was when she knew she wanted/needed to resist certain things. She tells her she knew nothing about a revolution, nothing about changing the world. That's a good point. Oftentimes people don't recognize the difference. I am really going to enjoy that book when class it out and I can read more.
Happy Day

Not in the mood

2006-04-26T19:54:00.000-05:00

I got my first lecture about that class today. I think everybody probably wanted to, but nobody did. My mom tried to talk me into going back. She wanted me to email the professor and ask for my assignment. My stepdad told me to just pray about it. That was a few weeks ago. Today, my dad went off. He called me weak and told me that by not going, I'd validated everything that man said and believed in. I know he is right, but at this point I don't care. I kept trying to tell him that mentally I wasn't ready. I kept trying to tell everyone I wasn't ready, but no one listened to me. Everyone wanted to give me pep talks. I appreciated it. I really did because there were times when I thought I was going to go crazy. All I had to do was pick up the phone and dial a couple numbers and I was ok. OK, but not happy. Anyway, back to my dad. He told me he wasn't mad that I dropped the class, but that I didn't stand up for myself. He's probably right. I should have called that jerk on some of the things he said, but I didn't. I don't know where that side of me came from. He basically told me that by not standing up for myself I have no character. Man, he was going off. I really didn't want to hear it. I told him that had he told me that a few weeks ago, he may have been able to convince me; however, I'd made my decision and was a peace with it. I know I should have stuck it out in the class, but I just didn't have the stregnth to do it. I was mentally weak. I know. I don't like the way things turned out, but I feel so much better. I didn't want to hear that today.

My life

2006-04-24T22:01:00.000-05:00

Wow, such much has gone on in my life in the past few weeks. Let's start with school.
I stopped going to that class that kept leaving me drained day in and day out. I just couldn't take it anymore. Too much came with the class. The reading material didn't interest me. The professor was a total and complete ASS. Man, I couldn't stand that man or sit him for that matter. I got tired of hearing those racist comments. The last time I went, he made a comment about my Alma Mater and I just didn't care to hear it. I just got tired of it. I know it shows me as weak, but I really don't care. I feel so much better. The only regret I have is that I didn't do it earlier. That way I wouldn't have an F.
I went through a deep bout (sp) of depression. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't find happiness in anything. It seemed like everything around me was falling apart. I knew I should have just prayed and trusted in God, but Satan was pulling at me. I stopped praying. I stopped reading the Bible. I kept going to church, but my spirit wasn't there, only my body. I wasn't moved. Then the Sunday before Easter, I cried my last tear. I felt so good. Rev. Pickette was preaching about letting God handle things and it seemed like he was talking directly to me. I kept trying to fight the tears, but they kept coming. So cathartic. That night, I prayed again. I read again. I renewed my faith in God. I don't think I lost it, but I just know I wasn't right. I couldn't get right either. Everything is good now though.
The kids take the state tests next week. This week is supposed to be a spirit week to try to boost morale. I can't recall exactly what we are doing for them, but there will be a step show Friday. I don't know where I will be working next year. I kind of want to go back to the school I was at last year. I took the girls on the dance team to lunch the Friday before Easter. We had a nice little time. They made me late for my hair appointment, but we had fun. I missed those girls. Mrs. Allen and I went to dinner at Cozumel's one day. We had so much fun. I miss her, too. I guess now I need to go somewhere with Shannon and Marcus. I see RWilliams all the time.
I got to see my line sisters this weekend. My neos deservingly won the step show. They were so cute and their steps were awesome. The Deltas gave them a run for their money, but they just couldn't compete. I got to see one of my line sisters that I thought I had just lost it for, but seeing her made me realize how much I love her. I still think she did something shiesty, but she's my ls so I will give her the benefit of the doubt.
Ray Nagin came out of the primaries. He is running against the Lt. Gov, Mitch Landreui. I don't understand why someone would step down as Lt. Gov. to become major. My four thinks its bc he is trying to get his hand in the money that will be used to rebuild NOLA. She's probably right. Nagin oftentimes but his foot in his mouth, but I want him to win the election. I don't have a legit reason. At first it was because of the current condition of NOLA. I don't think they need a change of leadership at such a crucial point in rebuilding, esp. since hurricane season is upon them. However, when it was time to elect a pres., one of the reasons I didn't vote for Bush is because I didn't think he could get us out of the "situation" with Iraq. I was right. I think if Nagin can make changes in NOLA. I just think he needs to let go of the race issues.
The first thing I was going to talk about was my family, but I changed my mind. My hair is still pressed. I purchased an electric straightening comb because as the heat rises, my hair swells. It gets so puffy. I think I will cut it off for my birthday. It will be gone by the end of September for sure because that will give me a way to see how much my hair has grown in a year.
I think that's enough for now. I'm going to keep this thing updated. I just had to come out of my depression.

Bored

2006-04-06T22:00:00.000-05:00

For some reason I haven't felt like typing lately.

Class is still the same. I still don't like that seminar class. I really think that man has it out for me. When I left Monday, I felt like crying. I actually did cry, but I can accept that this is just a growing pain. Before I entered the program, one of my friends said, "You will find out if you are for a real English major at MC." I guess I'm not because I cannot (or will not)handle the pressure that comes along with it. I honestly think it's professor, but sometimes I wonder if it's me. Maybe this isn't the field for me. I don't think it is anyway, but I hate the possibility that I may not be able to do it. It's one thing to change feilds bc that's what you want to do, but another to change because you can't do it. It's not even that I can't do it. I have a A in one class and a C in the other one. I don't know. I'm freaking confused. One thing is certain though, I am not going to MC next semester.

Work is fine. They had me teaching an Algebra I class because something happened with the original teacher and she won't be back this year. I finally went back to my children and they found a permanent sub. Her degree is in Psychology from Jackson State. She may be ok. I don't know how strong her background in math is, but I know that mine is not the best.

Tougaloo had Rites of Passage tonight. It was nice. It was boring as usual, but it was nice none-the-less. I guess it's because of the tradition and the symbolism.

2006-03-28T19:39:00.000-06:00

I skipped class yesterday. I kinda feel bad about it, but I really do feel so much better. When I woke up this morning to go to work, I just got dressed. No incessant snoozing, no trying to figure out what I'm going to wear, no procrastinating. I just got up, got dressed, and made it on time. No speeding, no combing hair in the car. Today was a good day. I looked and felt wonderful. My kids were fine. We wrote papers today.
I sent my cousin the papers for the Summer Science Program at Tougaloo. I really want him to complete the application. I'm sure he will be accepted if he just turns it in. That's if they have it because when I talked to a lady in Kincheloe, she said she wasn't sure if they would have it this year.
I got my hair pressed out yesterday and it is absolutely beautiful. I don't even remember my hair being this straight when I was getting it permed. It took a long time to get here though bc the first lady did not do a good job. The second girl did though, but I don't know if all that heat was healthy or not. She did spray some heat protectant/protector (?) on my hair though.
That's all on my mind now. I'm about to watch these girls fall on their asses on Top Model. It was too funny last week not to watch again.

2006-03-18T11:37:00.000-06:00

I had a nice little time in Atlanta. I caught up on a lot of much needed rest, though I am sure my friends got tired of me snoring. I just feel so tired. Anyway, I had a couple firsts. I ate at Pappadeaux and I had fried alligator. I'd been wanted to eat at Pappadeaux for a while, just didn't have one near me. I must admit I was a bit skeptical about the alligaotor, but I it was actaully good, better than calamari. I had fun in Atlanta, but I don't feel like typing about that.
Last night, I had a ______________ conversation with someone I hadn't talked to in a few months. (I don't know the word to describe it. Maybe I will fill in the blank later) The convo lasted a little over two hours and the entire time, all I could think was "damn, why can't i have these convos with BOB?" Needless to say, it was good. I can't say I missed those conversations bc I don't know if we ever had them, but I do know that last night was definitely the best conversation I have ever had with him in life. I took a couple things from it. The first was that I need to relax. I am lettting too many things stress me. The second involves this thing I am going thru which is leading me to cutting people off. I am at this point where if I feel like you have no purpose in my life, then I have to let you go and if I feel like your purpose has been fulfilled, then it's time to let you go. So as of late, I have been evaluating everyone's purpose in my life. I decided that a few people had served thier purposes and were no longer needed so I stopped talking to them. Well for some reason, I told him that and he asked me did I think people only had one purpose in my life. That was interesting and I didn't respond. Then he said some people in your life may not have fulfilled their purpose but you are going to cut them off before they have an opportunity. That was interesting as well. Odds are, he is right. However, for personal growth, there are a couple people (at least a couple) who I cannot deal with anymore. They wreck my brain and I don't need that. Or maybe, one day we will converse again, but I know that at this time in my life I do not need them or want them in my life.
Ok, I gotta take these damn braids down. I've been procrastinating all day and I have somewhere to be at 7.

Four-way stop

2006-03-16T11:19:00.000-06:00

I'm driving home and I come to a four way stop. I sit there and check all directions. The plan was to go straight, but when I looked right, I almost wanted to go right. Something was pulling on me to go right. Everytime I get to that stop, something tells me to go right, but it's unfamiliar. The buildings look funny; the people are dressed funny; the cars are expensive. I decide not to go that way, but can't shake the feeling that is telling me to turn off. I look left and I want to go that way. I really want to go left. I can see it. The buildings look weird, but the people over there look like me. I think they think like me, too. I think I should go left. I think left is for me. Then I remember that I was driving straight and I know how to get where I am going if I go straight. I don't know where turning left or right will lead me, but I know exactly where straight will take me. It takes me to familiarity. It takes me to contentment. I takes me to a place where I know there aren't too many problems. I decide to go straight, but when I get ready to press the gas, my foot won't move off the brake. I've been sitting at the four way stop for about 7 months, just sitting, trying to decide which way to go.

Spring Break

2006-03-10T22:48:00.000-06:00

SCHOOL'S OUT!!!!!!!!! ALL THREE OF THEM!!!!!!!! I am too elated! I am headed to Atlanta! I cannot wait to get there. The last time I was there we had a blast! We are going to be one man (woman) short this time, but I still think we will have so much fun. I want to go the Apache Cafe, but they don't have anything interesting going on this week. I have to check out Ranada's store. I saw something I wanted. I haven't seen her in so long. I haven't seen Jameka since last year's Pink and Green Week. I'm just excited! I gotta finish washing and pack! Enjoy your week everybody!

Feeling Good, Feeling Great, Look Good, Don't Hate

2006-03-05T15:27:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling so good right now. Church was absolutely wonderful. Rev. Pickette preached a wonderful sermon on salvation. The choir sang beautifully. I was so glad he talked about salvation bc I am growing just a little weary on the things you need to do have a prosperous life on earth. I think it's too many lost souls to incessantly preach on how to receive a financial blessing. I think when your soul is right with God, he will start to bless you spiritually, mentally, financially, emotionally, any kind of blessing. Anyway, it was wonderful.
This year I decided to give up meat and sodas for Lent. The meat part is quite difficult. It hasn't even been a week and I am struggling. I didn't know I was supposed to be praying about something in the process. I thought it was just a sacrifice because Jesus sacrificed those fourty days in the wilderness and Lent was symbolic of that. However, two people have asked me what I am praying for during Lent. I didn't have an answer because I didn't know I needed one. So today I prayed that God gives me guidance and show me where he wants me to go in August. I should have started on The Purpose Driven Life on Ash Wednesday and finished it for Easter. It seems like I could have commited to that.
I have started to let go of the possibilty that someone I dated may be bisexual. I'm not saying I doubt that he is or that I am sure that he is; I'm just saying I can't worry with it. If he is, he is and if he ain't, he ain't. That's not for me to consider. One of my friends suggesting writing him a letter, which will probably be good for both of us, but right now I really don't know what to say. I don't really want to question him because I don't know what good it would do. I don't know. Maybe something will come to me.
I had a wonderful weekend. Friday night I went to Gamma Rho's probate show and they did well. Then I went to Gamma Omicron's and QPsiPhi party and had a blast. It was good seeing so many of my line sisters, especially Tiffiney! Then last night, I finally finished The Violent Bear It Away. Then I went to see Madea's Family Reunion and it was great. I laughed and cried, laughed and cried, tears of happiness, tears of pain. It was just a good movie. I especially liked the commentary of the state of the Black Family. Of course, there were quite a few scenes that were overdone and one of the leading actresses couldn't act worth a dime, but overall, it was good. I'd been waiting to see it, but everytime I made plans, something came up.
I am going to read a little for mid-terms tomorrow. My daddy will be here at 630, so I need to knock some of this work out.

2006-02-28T20:26:00.000-06:00

God is so good! I got an unexpected check today for $1,000! Thank you, God. I decided to use to use that to finish paying my tuition off. (Originally, I decided to use income tax for that, but when I got that check, I didn't need to.) So I log on to the net to make the FINAL payment they will be getting from me bc I am not going back after this semester. Well, upon my arrival, I noticed a $700 scholarship posted to my account! Thank you, God. So, now my tuition is $300 and I have the extra money from this check and my taxes. Then I get to my night job and my boss tells me to complete a form so that I can get paid for all the overtime that I have done since August! Thank you, God! So, now I have all this money coming in. Plus I got paid for tutoring today. Thank you, God. What a financial blessing!! Don't worry, I am going to pay my tithes. Plus two extra months on the car note! God is good!
Ok, I just read the comments from yesterday's post and someone told me to live a life that is pleasing to God. I had to reread my post. When I wrote it, I made it seem like I was the one struggling with my sexuality. Not the case. I'm comfortable with mine; I'm just a little perturbed about someone else's.

Questionable

2006-02-27T22:34:00.000-06:00

I had an oral presentation to do today and I rocked it! I am so darn proud of myself. I feel like celebrating! Ha! I'm wonderful! Anyway, let me tell you about my professor. By the time I'd arrived in class, I'd made up my mind that I was going to let last week's comments slide. I'd thought about it long enough and decided to just prove to him that I could handle it. Anyway, we get to class and he tells this guy that he's first. The guy goes through his BORING presentation. The professor comments, then says, "Ashley, are you prepared to give your presentation today?" I respond, "Yes, I'm ready." I really was ready; I put 6 hours into it, not to mention the three where I was just reading and coming up blank. I was cheezing and everything bc I was in a good mood. He proceeds to ask, "Are you sure?" By this time, I feel the heat rising in my face. I respond, "Yes, I'm prepared for class." He says ok and lets me begin my presentation. I was wonderful. I could see it in his face that he was shocked, but appreciated my opinions. I felt like I did when I went to Brown and held my own amongst the students there. After I finished, he made a few comments, asked a few questions, then told someone else to begin. I was still on my high, but I couldn't help but notice that he didn't ask anyone else if they were prepared. So, to me it just confirmed what I'd thought all along: He doesn't think Black people are intelligent enough to succeed in his class. That is why I am the only one left and that is why he questioned me (TWICE) about my preparation. I was proud of me though bc I know I did well. We have mid-terms next week, so I am going to bust my butt making sure that I am ready.
I am still struggling with someone else's issue of homosexuality/ bisexuality/ heterosexuality. I need stregnth to deal with it so that I can move on. I need clarity so that I can move on. I need sanity because if I don't get it soon, somebody is going to get hurt and it may be me. I need to stop claiming something and have faith in God.

Pain

2006-02-26T18:58:00.000-06:00

I have an excruciating pain in my right thumb. Whitney slammed it in the door as we stood outside giving a police report. Here's what happened.....We went to church and drove around trying to find a soul food restaraunt. We couldn't find anywhere, so we settled on KFC Buffet. On the way, we pulled up on side of this guy. Japonica thought he was cute and smiled at him. He rolled the window up! We came to the consensus that he was gay bc there were four girls in the car and didn't think either of us were cute. So we started making jokes about him and his dirty Buick. Well the genius told everyone to wave at him. The girl in the back seat flipped him off and he got pissed. He pulled in front of us and slammed on breaks. Then, he decided to turn off. Well, as he turned into Subway, he threw something against our window. I don't know what it was, but it was powdery and hit the car really hard. JP started panicking, as did I. My scary ass told her to pull over while I called the police. Well, maybe he thought we were pulling over to say something to him and he pulled over. He cussed us out so bad and told us he would shoot us bc it's 2006. We didn't know what the hell was going on. We didn't find out that the girl flopped him off until after he'd left. So it took the police about 30 minutes to get there. When the officer finally arrived, we stood outside while JP and the girl in the backseat told him what happened. The genius placed her hand in the doorway and Whitney slammed. It hurt so badly. Now my thumbnail is black. That was at about 2. It's 716 and it still hurts.
One of my professors told me to drop his class. I don't know how I feel about that. Mainly, I am confused. This is what I know: There were originally four blacks in the class and now there is only one, moi. There are only two people who have attended every class, myself and another girl. We have never written any papers. Now what I don't know is why all the other black people dropped the class. I don't know why he told me to drop rather than telling those two white boys who have missed three classes between them to drop. I don't know what makes him think I can't handle the class if we haven't even written a paper for him.

Let it burn

2006-02-13T22:28:00.000-06:00

Man, I have had an interesting week. I have issues that I need to resolve between two people that I once held extremely close. One of which I thought I would never have issues with; the other has taken me to hell and back. I really don't know if we can come out of this. My friends keep telling me that overreacting, but it's something that I don't think I can shake. I will honestly put forth the effort, but I can't help but feel betrayed. The situation just went too far. Part of that is my fault because I let it. At the same time, I feel like that person should have been able to separate the two and understand that an attachment to one would cloud judgment of what is best for the other. I don't know. We all have tests and I guess this is one of mine. I don't know if I will pass or not. Time will tell.

Saturday my daddy told me some disturbing news that made my stomach do flips over and over again. (my stomach must just be weak bc last week, I looked at a pic of an ex and threw up.) I should learn to trust my gut. I had a gut feeling about something, but ignored it bc I thought I was tripping. When my dad and I left breakfast, he pretty much confirmed my suspicions. He didn't have SOLID proof, but what he did have was more than enough. Man, that is still bothering me.

I went to see BOB yesterday. I just needed to be comforted. It's good to be around him because he knows how to make me smile and I know he won't hurt me. He even sang to me. I missed that. He has such a beautiful voice. I love that boy. It's not the kind of love that makes you want to be with them. I love him because of what we shared and how he makes me genuinely happy. I miss that, not necessarily from him, just that feeling.

It's really hard to come by good friends, and I have one of the best. I need to give her the credit she deserves. Sometimes we put people in a box and not realize that there is room in there for other people. I have a really really good friend who always has my back, no matter what. I know she gets tired of listening to the same shit in different words, but she listens, open heartedly, without judgment. Sometimes I need that. She is truly a Godsend, my friend, my sister. I thank her so much.

I flunked a quiz in class today.

Our Ivy Beyond the Wall

2006-02-07T12:18:00.000-06:00

Coretta Scott King will be missed. She was a mother, a wife, a lady, a fighter, a survivor. Oftentimes, we look at her as the First Lady of the Civil Rights Movement simply because of whose wife she was. There was so much more to her than that. She marched beside him, sang with him, protested with him. When Dr. King died, she continued. She was still right there, being the mother, the fighter, the survivor, still marching onward, striving to not let his fight be in vain. She faught for the liberties of African Americans as well as for the liberties of the poor. She spent ten years trying to get the governmnent to recognize her husband's birthday as a national holiday, then opened The King Center in his memory to ensure that his legacy and struggle for equality was never forgotten. Our Ivy Beyond the Wall, Coretta Scott King, a woman of charcter and elegacne, is truly missed.

Here are some highlights. I may have missed some words and have some grammatical errors, but I think I got the essence of it.

Dorothy Height quoting Martin Luther King, Jr. "The black man needs the white man to free him of his spirit. The white man needs the black man to free him of his guilt."

Paraphrasing Sherry Frank, American Jewish Committee Exec. Dir. "The country lost a beloved activist. The King family lost a wonderful mother and relative. The Jewish community lost a devoted friend."

Sen. Edward Kennedy "In the face of her constant courage, unshakable faith, even Jim Crow had to yeild.

Rev. Dr. Joseph Lowry: "Who could have bought this crowd together, except Coretta? But in the morning, will words become deeds that meet needs? Leave me alone Sharpton. Shut up Jesse. What a family reunion! Rosa and Martin are just starting to talk. Martin stops listening because the wind is whispering in his ear. 'Excuse me, Rosa.' Martin begins to walk toward the pearly gates. After 40 yrs., together at last, together at last. Thank God Almighty, we are together at last."

Soror Maya Angelou: " [She was] Born in cornflower and destined to become a steel magnolia. I speak as a sister of a sister. We sat calling each other, Girl. That's a black woman thing. Even as reached our seventh decade, we still said, 'Girl!' Peace and justice should be known to everybody everywhere. I want to see a better world. I want to see some peace somewhere." They were friends friends. You could see it in her face and hear it in her expressions.

Former Pres. Jimmy Carter: Each of their (Martin and Coretta) handshakes was worth a million Yankee votes! This is to remind us that the struggle for equal rights is not over. We only have to recall the color of those in La., Al,and MS. to know that there are not yet equal opportunities for all Americans."

Former Pres. George Bush: There was always a dignity, a wonderful grace about Coretta and the way she carried herself.

Former Pres. Bill Clinton: I am honored to be here with my president, my former presidents, and umm, ummm (Hinting at future president Hilary?) LEt's not forget that there is a woman in there. Not a symbol. A real woman who had hopes and dreams and got angry. HE was looking for a woman with beauty and character and intelligence, and she sure fit the bill. Even when she was over 75, she still fit the bill. We would have all forgiven her if she had said, I have stumbled on enough (Something I missed). I am going home to raise my kids. Nobody would have condemned her, but instead, she went to Memphis and led that march with the garbage workers. They understood that the difficulty of success does not relieve one of the obligation to try. If you want to treat Mrs. King like a role model, then model her behavior.

Senator Hilary Rodham Clinton: I remember as a college student, listening in amazement, to the news reports of this woman taking up her husbands stand. She said she was there to continue his work to make all people free not just free from obvious the oppression that one can see, truly free knowing that each of us has a personal relationship with God that can take us through (any situation?).

Malaak Shabazz: Let me mention someone no one else has. My mother and Mrs. King shared a battle with someone else, Myrlie Evers. They thought they could pull one another (Malaak and Yolanda) apart, but they said no. We are in this together. We traveled around, showing people that we could still be who we were together, merging. You aren't doing either any justice by picking one over the other (MLK or Malcolm X). As we traveled on the road together, we got to swap mothers. My mother, Mrs. King, and Myrlie Evers were sisters. They would go on retreats together. They were one a mission of loving their husbands, loving thier children, and substaining them. (I didn't do her justice. She was so passionate. I couldn't capture all of her words. I really want to meet this woman.)

I missed the rest of it. Hopefully, I will catch it tonight on CSPAN. I'm gone watch the whole thing again.

Burdens

2006-02-06T22:50:00.000-06:00

I went home this weekend for the second time since Jan. 3. I get so bored and start feeling so unhappy. I don't know why. Maybe it is my pessimism kicking in, but I just don't wanna be here. I fell asleep in class again today. I did participate in the discussion though because I need those points. I got my grade on my discussion leading today. He gave me really good feedback, but I got a B+. I must admit my feelings were a little bit hurt, but I can deal. I don't know what I made on that paper. I'm in no hurry to get it back because I don't think it's good. Actually, I do think it's good, but I don't know what exactly he is looking for. It was only supposed to be one page, but I had to make some adjustments because I had too much to say. In my 430 class, only two people showed up. My professor was pretty pissed, but he went on with class anyway. He ordered us pizza, too. I ate it even though it wasn't on my diet. Class was actually better with just the two of us. There were originally seven people enrolled in the class, but one girl didn't show up last week or this week, so she probably dropped the class. There was another guy in the class. I gave him my number; he called me Saturday to tell me that he dropped the class. So, that I know of, there are only five people enrolled in the class. That can be both good and bad. It's good because you can actually develop a personal relationship with the professor and classmates. It's bad because the professor has more time to focus on each paper.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Yesterday, Pastor was talking about burdens. He was reading from Galations (maybe Ephesians). The point was that burdens are meant to be handled one of three ways: beared, shouldered, or shed. Some things we just have to deal with (bear). These will only make us stronger in the end. Some things you need help with (shouldered by others). We weren't designed to handle everything on our own. That's why we have friends and family. Other issues are just meant to shed. They aren't glorifying God or helping you. You jus have to let those things go. Anyway, while he was talking, I started thinking about Rashad. I haven't heard anything good about that boy in a nice minute. He is really going through right now (burdens he needs to shed). I am hoping I can talk to him and maybe later talk with him. Right now, he needs someone to help him. I realize that I cannot fix his problem, but maybe I can tell him something that will make him want to shed that burden.

I don't know. I just have to realize that God is working on me and what simple things I am going through will pass. I'm still trying to be optimistic, but I haven't been doing a good job lately. I'm still trying though and I know God is going to take me where he wants me to be.

I've been thinking about Blair, too. Maybe it's because his birthday was Saturday. I really want him to be blessed.

What kind of drink would I be?

2006-02-04T01:49:00.000-06:00

I did this twice. This is ashley. I didn't like the response, so I did it again with ash. Here's ashley.

If ashley were a drink they would be:
	2 parts lustful 4 parts cheater 1 parts hurtful
Get Your RECIPE Here!

This is ash.

If ash were a drink they would be:
	3 parts attractiveness 2 parts cursed 2 parts intelligent
Get Your RECIPE Here!

I lost the first one I had to Ash, but this was close. I realized that it wasn't what I was typing, but how I was typing. So once, I figured this out, I had to make sure I was right. I typed Ashley in really slowly and it said I am insecure. Then I typed it in really fast and it said I was bitchy.

2006-01-31T23:36:00.000-06:00

I started writing yesterday, but my computer did something and I couldn't recover the post. Anyway, class went well yesterday. I really need to download Microsoft Word onto this thing bc it took me 2 hours to print out my paper. It kept giving me computer language. I tried everything I knew. Then once I decided to copy and paste it in my e-mail, the darn printer stopped working. So, again, it took forever to print. I almost cried. It was the first assignment and I am already the odd man (woman) out in that darn class. So, I panicked, not the usual laughing panic bc I know I can't change it and I've really screwed up. It was the tears in the corner of the eye panic. Maybe, I'm premenstraul. (I know this is TMI, but) I don't know if I am bc as of late, I've stopped keeping up. Don't really have a reason to. I have damn near sworn off men. Not actually, just all of those exes. Speaking of exes BOB came to see me Sunday night. It's always good to be in his presence, but I kept my distance. I didn't want to send mixed signals. I wanted it to plain and clear that it wasn't like that. That was yesterday and this is today. Leave well enough alone.
I know I am ADD, but oh well. Sunday, I went to a new church. It was absolutely wonderful. (I used to call an ex wonderful, but really he was evil.) The choir was singing and everybody was stomping. You could really feel the spirit, even aside from the singing. It was beautiful. The preacher could preach, too. However, I wasn't really into what he was saying. His entire sermon was about giving to the church. I'm not anti-tithing or anti-offering, but he talking about money the entire sermon. All he talked about was giving money. The ironic thing is, he never once mentioned tithes. He never said anything about paying tithes. Never made reference to that 10% the Bible requires you to give. I believe in working and acquiring wealth. I want some of that wealth. He just seemed money hungry. He kept talking about all the blessings you will recieve if you pay tithes, which I agree with. But he never mentioned any other way of getting blessed. He never mentioned a personal relationship with God, only the relationship between your wallet and blessings. I was willing to let that go, though bc I know the man can preach. I could just feel it. Actually, it must have been the Lord I was feeling bc something was moving inside of me and I wanted to join the church. I have a church home and have never even remotely considered joining another church, even though I am 3 hours aways from that church. (maybe it has something to do with my issues of letting the past mix with the present.) The service was just good.
So I walk up there and say I want to join. A lady takes me upstairs and has me to complete a contact form and I begin looking through the information that she's given me. I happen to see that you have to pay $175 to rent the sanctuary, as well as a separate $100 non-refundable deposit. That doesn't even include use of the kitchen. There's another fee for that. So that turned me off. I don't think you should turn away from the church bc of money, but a part of me doesn't feel compfortable about that. I don't understand why a tithe-paying, offering giving member of the church should have to pay to use the sanctuary. What exactly are tithes and offerings for? I understand paying the preacher if he ministers over something, i.e. funerals and weddings. (Honestly, I don't think there should be a fee, but you should give a donation.) I just don't understand why u have to pay to use the church. So, I am going to go back Sunday. Maybe he will preach about something else.

I'm a graduate student!

2006-01-24T09:33:00.000-06:00

I WENT TO CLASS YESTERDAY! Ha! I enjoyed it much. I have been waiting forever to be a student again. In my lit and film class, I am the only graduate student and the only black student. So, I am in a sea of all white faces. There were two students from MP and one from Biloxi. (all male) We are reading The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie. It's a pretty good book, easy read, thought-provoking. I have to do an oral presentation on it next week. I'm excited about it. I've already figured out some of the things I'm going to say. I already know what I want my thesis to be for the paper I have to do. I'm ready. (Oh yeah, I dozed off while we were watching the movie. It was good, but I was too tired to focus completely on a movie.) Then I went to my Percy and O'Conner class. It seems like its gone be alecture class and I do not perform well in those bc I am borderline (if not completely) ADD. He told us to spend the week thinking about where we want to meet bc we aren't going to meet in the classroom. There are 7 students in the class and it is a 3 hr evening class, so he wants to meet at a resteraunt or coffeehouse. That should be pretty good. We read Flannery O'Conner's "A Good Man is Hard to Find." It was pretty good. Flannery O'Conner is pretty cool, though I have only read 3 of her stories. If nothing else, I should learn something because he was name dropping like crazy and I had no idea who any of the writers or critcs were. So, I should learn something. I still have to read 2 articles and another short story for that class.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
I went home this weekend. Theta Zeta Omega had a Founder's Day program. It was nice. Soror Doty was the speaker and as animated as she always is. That woman has so much "SPIRIT" its unbelievable. I decided to join that chapter. Well, I had already decided. I just don't have the money right now. I will after income tax though.
Speaking of money, my LS want to go to New York to see The Color Purple on Broadway. I really wanna go. I just don't know if I can afford it. My moma said she would call my uncle in NY and see if he could find some cheaper flights and hotels. It seems ideal to just stay with him and his wife, esp. since they don't have any children. They are honestly the nicest people in the world. His wife is so sweet, but I don't think I would want to stay with them while in Manhatten. There is so much to see and so much to do. I don't know what time we would come in at night. If this had been one of my mom's brother's or sister's as opposed to my dad's, it wouldn't be a problem. Simply because they are a little more relxed. One of my best friends wants to go. I have to run that by my ls. It shouldn't be a problem bc they all like her. She's cool people. I think we would have a blast.
I finally burned a CD. I am so computer illiterate. If it doesn't involve the internet or microsoft, I'm aloof. Since I have this new laptop, I've been experimenting! I'm learning a few things. I scanned my pics and put them on a disk. Ha! I'm pretty proud of myself, even though I should have known these things.
Anyway, those are about the only fascinating details of my life right now.
toodles

Three Questions About My Memories

2006-01-18T23:36:00.000-06:00

What is your earliest memory?
My very first memory must be when I was about 3 years old. It was my birthday and my parents bought me a barbie doll. I don't know if the doll was black or white, but I am assuming it was white. I was so happy. I opened my presents and then my daddy hoisted me on his shoulders and we went to the park, just like that. I got on the swings and I prolly played on some other things at the park, but I don't remember. I just know that I got on the swings because I sat my Barbie down where I was swinging so that I could hold on to the swing. Maybe the swing was the last thing I got on because after I got off the swing, my daddy put me back on his shoulders and we began walking home. I don't know how far we walked, but I do know that we were closer to the park than our house. I told my daddy to turn around because I left the doll. He did. When we got back to the park, a little girl (a little white girl, that's why I assume the Barbie was white. White people don't play with black dolls.) was playing with my doll. I told her it was mine and asked for it back. She told me no. My daddy asked her mom to get the Barbie from her and give it back to me. The little girl's mother said no because that was her daughter's doll. I couldn't and still can't believe that lady stood there and told that bold face lie. I cried all the way home. I mean boo-hooed. My daddy was trying to calm me down, but my little feelings were so hurt. When we got home, my momma asked what was wrong and I told her. Do you know she started fussing at me about "keeping up with my shit." She actually said that's what I got. I was too hurt.
What have you tried to forget?
I have tried to forget so many things. I've tried to forget that time my momma hit me with a board. I have tried to forget a quite embarrassing moment at basketball practice. Thank goodness no one knew it was me. I have tried to forget a particular young man that absolutely means me no good.
What do you wish you could remember?
I wish I could remember more Christmases with my great-great grandma. I remember her. I remember spending the night with her. I remember her walking through the house late at night. I remember the living room furniture. It was blue. I remember the pictures on the wall. A picture of my uncle and his wife from their 8th grade prom was in the middle. I remember her combing my hair. I remember her putting lemon juice in her hair. I remember her hitting me with the broom when I threw water in my cousin's face while he was sleep. I remember her eating cottage cheese, crackers, and thousand island. I remember her telling me coffee would make me black but still making me a cup. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with her while she made jello. I remember her calling my daddy Melvin. I remember her calling me Lisa and Ashla. I remember her saying "that black ass gal of lisa's" I remember her buying my cousins black dresses for Christmas less than a month before she died. I remember my momma telling me she was dead. I remember the look on my moma's face. I remeber not understanding why they wouldn't let me go to the hospital. I remember her face. I remember her. I love my grandma. I remember so much about her. God, I miss her. I have all these memories. I know we went to her house every Christmas, but I just don't remember her being there. I wish I could remember spending Christmas with my Moma Liza.

Idle Chatter

2006-01-17T22:16:00.000-06:00

I had a good day today. I finally purchased my books for class. I had to buy 12 books! Yay! I am only excited bc I bought books. I'm not particulary excited about the books though bc they are by white people. This is not my racism kicking in; I just prefer to read books by African American writers. That's why I need to hurry up and get into an Africana studies program. I got a check for tutoring today and I was totally not expecting it. It wasn't even $100, but it was money I hadn't counted on. I needed that because I really wanna go home Saturday. I have been pinching off my savings account.
Anyway, I had a wonderful time this weekend. Saturday, I went to a party at this nice little place. We used to have our AKA parties there in undergrad and I promise it is a totally different environment. Maybe people smoked at our parties, but I don't recall. I really doubt it. Anyway, the place was "thick." People were everywhere. LJ and I really had a good time. I even got in a strut or two. :)
Afterwards, we went to IHOP. We weren't even hungry. It just seemed like the right thing to do. She ended up spending the night with me bc it was about 3 when we finally arrived home. Home? Did I just say that?
Saturday, I got up and drove to Memphis. My best friend and I ran errands for the party that couldn't afford to have. It turned out to be quite nice until she went Psycho Betty on everyone, including me. We resolved it though. The plan was to go see Memoirs of a Geisha, but we never made it. We lounged all day Sunday. What a waste? Monday, we decided to go on a diet. We are both a little too big. (I buy darn 14s.) The diet plan is for three months, but its not healthy. The first week you are only supposed to have juice and water. The next week, you add fruits. Then add veggies; then add meats. Then you are to go back to the juices and start over. That will not work for me. I had juice and water all day yesterday and until 9 o'clock tonight. I literally had hunger pains. My stomach was in knots. At about 8, I went to Wally World and bought salads and fruits. That should still help me to lose wieght and its healthier.
I finally found the stregnth to let go of those ex bfs. It has been quite interesting. Around this time of night, I find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call one or two of them, but I don't. I really feel like it's too much baggage. Anyway, if someone treats you badly, you shouldn't want to be their friend. I recently told someone that we try to keep people in our lives for a lifetime when they are only meant to be there for a season or a reason. I find myself guilty of that. So, I am trying to learn from these people who will eventually leave my life. I am also trying to figure out if they are lifetime, reason, or season people. Once I figure it out, I am going to try to accept it as is. I have a friend who is a season friend, but for some reason we still converse. We have nothing to talk about. When we are on the phone, all there is is dead air. Then when in person, it's just idle chatter. I need to let go of that relationship too. I have another friend who has absolutely nothing to talk about but sex. Personally, I think sex is quite interesting conversation, but not at all times. When I change the subject, she changes it right back. Maybe she is going through something right now. I don't know.
Oh yeah, I bought some more Proactive. I don't know why I keep buying that stuff. It really keeps my face clear, but it doesn't remove the blemishes. Well, that's why I keep buying it. My face doesn't break out any more. But when I see the commercials, the people on the commercials have perfect skin. Even their dark spots disappear. Maybe it will be better this time bc I bought the skin lightening lotion. I'm actually a bit scared to use it bc I don't want to look bleached or have light spots. I just want even skin.
That's enough. I'm out.

Nosey

2006-01-13T10:33:00.000-06:00

Last night, I stumbled upon someone's blog that I know. When I got to it, I probably should not have read it, but it's a blog, on the net, for everyone to see. So, me being me, I read it. People always say you get what you are looking for. I just wanted to see if she mentioned me in it and boy did she. She called me subservient. Wow! After thinking about it, maybe she is right. I really don't think so, but there is a possibility. Before that though, she talked about her relationship with a particular young man and I was forced to admit that all the things I'd heard were true. In my mind, I knew they were, but I just wanted to believe that he was better than that. However, after reading her blog, I realized that he isn't and he did exactly what everyone told me he did. Not only did he do it to me, but to her as well. I am supposed to be optimistic in 2006, so I am going to have faith in myself with this one. I am cutting him off. We have been down that road before and always end up calling each other again. Sometimes I think I am "mighty as an oak" but other times "weak as a limb." ;) I'm going to do this. I think I am going to fast starting Monday in an effort to rid self of toxic chemicals and toxic people and toxic attitudes. God grant me the stregnth to change the things that I can.

Four

2006-01-13T00:04:00.000-06:00

4 jobs you've had in your life: teacher, youth couselor, student researcher, car-hop

4 movies you could watch over and over: The Five Heartbeats, The Other Sister, Remember the Titans, The Temptations
4 places you've lived: Tougaloo, Pgoula, Yazoo, Va.
4 TV shows you love to watch: The Cosby Show, Charmed, Girlfriends, America's Next Top Model (despite the latest disappointment. i have no idea how nicole won.)
4 places you've been on vacation: Atlanta, Va. Beach, Orlando, Memphis

4 websites you visit daily: hotmail, yahoo, facebook, and blogger (i don't know if thats what the ? was intending, but thats my answer.)
4 of your favorite foods:mac-n-cheese, prelines and cream icecream, pecan prelines, pineapples
4 places you'd rather be: houston, my bed, school, providence

4 albums you can't live without: Prince "Purple Rain" Usher "Confessions" Toni Braxton "Secrets" John Legend "Get Lifted"

Insubordination

2006-01-11T23:11:00.000-06:00

I don't know how to change the font. I'm already blind it is quite difficult to read.

Anyway, I got wrote up at work for something that happened a month ago. Everyone was in the auditorium for the Christmas program and a class came in late. I gave my seat to a student bc he didn't have anywhere to sit. I stood for a while, but then my feet started hurting bc I was wearing cute brown boots. I decided to sit in the sectio behind my class. The assistant assistant principal (see how important she is) told me to go back and stand beside my class. I kinda got pissed bc i do't like here ass is and all of the other teachers were sitting where I was headed. I looked at her and laughed, not being sarcastic or rude. That's just what I do when I get angry or scared or silly. I laugh. That's just what I do. Then I asked here why she would tell me to go back when she didn't tell anyone else. She didn't like that and I must admit it was a bit childish. So she wrote me up for questioning her and not fulfilling my responsibility to the students. Ain't that something. I couldn't believe it. And she CCed it to the principal, but he didn't care. He just told me to make sure I got my Christmas gift off his filing cabinet and said "welcome back to the family." I love that man. He's awesome. Tomorrow I have to meet with him to discuss what we are going to do about my work schedule since I start school next week. We shall see. I'm sure everything will be fine.

2006-01-09T21:47:00.000-06:00

I changed the skin on my blog today. I wanted something a little more positive. The purple flower was absolutely beautiful, but it just didn't say optimism. So here is a bright orange one to match my attitude for the new year.

However, I must release these feelings.

In the last twelve months, I have learned so much about how other people live. I have done my best to step outside of my "bubble" and try to understand why people do the things they do. I have forgiven and looked past those things that don't resemble my thoughts, beliefs, or morals.

Let's see...about two months ago, we had a long heart to heart expressing fears and realities. No more partial truths. No more placing people on pedastals. No more taking ectasy pills. No more selling pills. No more robberies. No more testing God. No more putting self in danger. I believed all of it. I had faith in someone else. No reason to lie.

Two days before I Christmas I get a phone call. You're in jail. I have no idea why your best friend decided to call me. I have no idea why he stopped calling to let me know how things are going. All I know is you are locked up for an aggravated assault charge because you decided to go to someone's house and sleep with his girlfriend. I'm not supposed to be mad at that because you aren't mine and haven't been for quite some time, but I am pissed. I'm pissed because in my mind, you weren't supposed to be sleep with anyone else. I'm pissed because you said God had brought you too far for you to jeopordize your life and career. I'm pissed because Derrick hasn't called me in almost 2 weeks to tell me how you are. I'm pissed because I start school next week and you don't even know it. I'm pissed because sometimes I just need to talk and I can't pick up the phone and dial your number. I'm pissed because I don't get those phone calls to say good morning. I'm pissed because I asked for this and don't know how to deal with it.

Be careful for what you pray for because you just might get it. I asked God to remove you from my life and he did it. I am greatful. It's just really really hard. I don't think I could have grown with you around. A part of me (like it is now) would probably tug and tell me to have faith, but the more things change, the more they stay the same. Everything happens for a reason and He knows that I am weak for you. He did what he thought was best, prolly for the both of us.

I guess I am pissed because I my heart is hurting.

Resolution

2006-01-05T22:14:00.000-06:00

Well, I figured I would make a New Year's resolution and keep it simple. I decided to be more optmistic. I will try not to think so negatively and look at the glass as half empty. My friends always tell me I am a bitch (and the last convo I had with Blair, he called me an asshole), so I will try to work on that too. I'm feeling really good about this year. I really am, maybe because 2005 was so bad. I feel comfortable with my decision to grow my hair out and my decision to go back to school. I am going to get my credit in order. I am just excited! God is going to work miracles in my life. I'm ready.

Mutterings

Celebrate:: party
Resolve: to do better
I need to:: get a perm
Call:: blair
Token:: black (tar baby)
Brand:: name
Comparison:: no comparison
Far away:: to another place and time
Artful:: artie stewart
Fantastic:: four

Questionaire

2006-01-01T11:31:00.000-06:00

I stole this from Ranada!

MY BEST AND WORST OF 2005:

1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
Nope

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
that morning i watched the sun rise over the Mississippi River

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
The moment I realized, not when I admitted, that I didn't have a job.

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
At my house, prolly sleep, moping, wishing I would have stayed on the coast with my folx
5) Who were you with?
Me myself and I

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
In CHURCH!

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
whoever was in church

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
nope

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
not yet

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
I was infatuated

11) If yes, with who?
blair

12) If yes, do they know?
i dunno, he thinks im crazy

13) Are you still in love with them?
nope

14) You regret it?
No. It really gave me an opportunity to look into someone else's life. He exposed me to things I was sheltered from. 2005 made me open my eyes to life's harshest realities. I guess I looked outside of my bubble. I continue to live in it though because I am happy here.
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
pretty much

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
2

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
whitney and ashley

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
I don't know...I'm thinking February, maybe March...simply bc I don't remember anything bad
19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
No
20) How many different states have you traveled in 2005?
Ms, Al, La, Ga, Va. I wish I could have gone to Maryland

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
No, thank God. I did watch a few people lose people who were extremely close to them.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
I missed Bebe.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
Crash or Four Brothers, both pretty good

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
the Usher song...this is a metaphor to show how I adore (Superstar maybe)

25) What was your favorite album from 2005?
John Legend Get Lifted

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
I have never been to a concert in my life but i plan on seeing Yolanda Adams in a few weeks.

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
Clearly not

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
nope not at all
29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
don't do drugs but i have a weird desire to try marijuana

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
not that i can recall

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
I want you to take a road trip with me. God that hurt my heart.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
Yeah, I treat a lot of people bad.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
Yep.

36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
Everything I earned excpet $1200.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
The day I got my acceptance letter into MC

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
having to lie about my job. well, i didn't really have to lie, it was juse easier than explaining the truth

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 what would it be?
The day I watched the sun rise. I just felt so at peace and content, not content, happy

40) What are your plans for 2006?
Go to school, get a real job, study the Bible,

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T10:58:00.000-06:00

Wow! 2005 is finally over! I am too elated. I promise this has been the worst year of my life. My grandmother had a stroke. I didn't get the teaching position I wanted. I became infatuated with a thug who has no idea whether or not he believes in God. I fell back in love (in a matter of days) with someone I knew meant me no good. I thought my brother was going to be jailed. One of my closest friends had an abortion. My line sister lost her dad. One of classmates died. It just seemed like death was all around for a moment. Katrina destroyed my house and all the amenities within. Katrina drowned hundreds of people.
Man, 2005 is over. I have some fond memories to carry with me. My grandmother got to spend another Christmas with us! I started this new job that will enable me to go to school. I rekindled a flame with my high school sweetheart. That probably won't go anywhere, but it's nice being in his presence. I gained three new nieces: Madison, Kayden, and Memri! All of my siblings are still with their children's parents. My mom finally has the time and money to redo the house the way she has been dreaming of since I was in high school. I've made a couple new friends, one of which whom calls me her role model. One of my friends got married. It was a good year.
Last night, my best friend went to church. She doesn't do the church thing bc she feels church people are the biggest hypocrites and the Bible is too contradictory. I called to ask about her experience but she hasn't called back. We can't really discuss religion and Jesus because both of us get frustrated. Me because she doesn't even own a Bible to read it and her because I read it and know what it says but continue to do the opposite. So I am quite interested in her service last night.
Last night my pastor told us not to spend our lives driving through the rear view mirror. I liked that. So many times we get caught up in what we did and what we didn't do that we don't take the time to think about what we should be doing. We spend so much energy focusing on what other people did to us that we don't stop to think about what we have done for other people. I am going to try to spend 2006 looking forward and not dwelling on what happened in the past. The past is important only if you grow from it. So I am going to try to grow some kind of way from all of my experiences, past present and future.
I prolly should make a new year's resolution, but I don't stick to them. Last year, I decided to work on the outer me. I did too, for about 2 months. Then I just kept getting bigger and bigger. I think I was depressed. I'm not sure. Dag, I just said don't spend time living through the rear veiw mirror! I am going to make a resolution and try to stick to it. I have to think about it though.
Happy New Year! I pray that it is as interesting as and more prosperous than 2005. Peace and Blessings.

All me

2005-12-20T21:18:00.000-06:00

I hadn't sat down with thoughts of self in quite sometime. So here goes........
I am ready to go to school. I still don't have all the money and registration is less than a month away. I'm not particulary worried though. I think God put me in this situation for a reason and I am going to make the best of it. I am supposed to be calling one of my line sisters to possibly buy some of her books. She started the program about a year ago and is now in law school. Hence, she probably doesn't need the books anymore.
My hair is super nappy. I am going to treat my hair tomorrow. I am going to start by taking down these braids, followed by a shampoo. Then I am going to give myself a hot oil treatment, and condition my hair overnight. I am getting a straw set Thursday. I don't know how that will turn out with my hair being in the condition it is in. I am going to get those African twists the Thursday after Christmas. If they look right, then I am definitely getting locks. If they don't, I might get a perm.
I am still working hard. I am going to do the in-school tutoring program when school starts back so that I can take those two classes that I want. I think my body has gown used to staying up late because I can stay up until midnight without a problem. I'm getting old because in undergrad I could stay up until the sun rose.
My love life sucks horribly. I am not making any progress. I would say I am traveling backwards, but I'm not. There are just a few people here occupying time and space. I get bored so I call them. Nothing serious. There are quite a few people who call me regularly and a few I spend time with, but none of them excite me. None of them intrigue me. None of them make me want to be with them. They are actually quite boring.
I finished my Christmas shopping and this is the first time I am going to give my mom what she wants:money. I hate giving money on Christmas. It just doesn't require any thought, but it's what she wants so what the hell?! I bought all of my neices and nephews clothes. Next year I am buying toys because I am inclined to believe toys are cheaper. I bought my dad a George Foremen 10th anniversary grill and my father some cufflinks with his initials on it. I bought my father's wife a nine west bag, my fav tee-tee some Glo by JLo. I'm going to wait on my siblings to buy for the grandparents and them donate and sign my name on the card. Is that trifling? We always do that. But usually, I buy the gift and they contribute and sign the cards after the fact. I'm not buying my siblings anything because I had to buy for their kids. Last year when they had one each, I bought them something, but not this time. I am going to give my baby brother some money. I wanted to buy Blair some Bvulgary Black, but I couldn't find it. I only saw the blue. Oh well. I'll figure it out after Christmas.
Well, that's it! I'm excited to be home and wish everyone a Merry Christmas.

Another personality quiz

2005-12-13T16:54:00.000-06:00

I stole this from Ranada!

AALIYAH: Like Aaliyah, you are one in a
million, girl. You don't care about what others
might say about you, you just keep it real and
do you. You are a sweet, caring person who is
always happy and knows how to have fun. People
know that and can't keep away from your
addicting personality. You hold it down for
your family AND your friends. And those Harry
Potter books? You know you gotta read
'em.

Which female R&B artist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Decision

2005-12-12T15:46:00.000-06:00

Well, Arnold denied the request for clemency. I almost feel bad. Last night on CNN someone said that by not granting clemency, the message is sent to gang members that there is never any hope. Once you have been in a gang, the world will always view you as a gang member, no matter what you do. That was interesting. I hadn't thought about it that way! Maybe he was right. Contrarily, does granting clemency say that once you have been found guilty and you write a few books, you are no longer responsible for your wrongs? I wouldn't really grant the clemency because he never admitted to the killings. How can you say someone is reformed and wouldn't do it again when they never said they did it in the first place. I can't be apologetic for something that I didn't do. I don't know. This is going to be good stuff for the history books.

Rest in peace Richard Pryor! My dad loves ya!

Stan Tookie Williams

2005-12-11T18:18:00.000-06:00

Stan Tookie Williams, Stan Tookie Williams.....I have heard that name a million and one times in the past seven days. OK. Williams is the founder of the Crips and has been tried and convicted for murdering four young men 25 years ago. Since his conviction, he has been on death row and is scheduled to be executed tomorrow night. While waiting to be executed, he has written several children's books trying to persuade youth to stay away from violence and gang life.
Personally, I am not an advocate of the death penalty. However, I do not understand why so many people are rallying to save the life of the man who started the Crips. From the Crips came the Bloods and Folks and Gs and whatever other gang there is. Because of him, young black men will be dying for generations in the name of their "colors." If he executed tomorrow or if he dies of natural causes in 30 years, people will still die representing their "set" after he is gone. His legacy will live on. Someone posed the question: "Ethel founded AKA. Is it her fault those girls were drowned in California?" No, it's not her fault because she didn't start AKA based on principals of violence. It is a service organization. She started it hoping that AKA would be of service to all mankind. It is however, her fault that we donate to SIDS research and do the Ivy Reading AKAdemy. We are fulfilling the mission she started. Hence, the current CRIPS are fulfilling the mission Williams started.
In my mind, I really doubt that he killed those four people. It just seems beneath a gang lord to actually commit a murder. But, just because he didn't actually commit the murder doesn't mean that he isn't responsible. If he set someone up to be killed, he is guilty of homicidal negligence. I don't really understand the difference between being the leader of a gang and ordering a hit on someone and murder for hire. Either way, you are having the person killed and should be held responsible. If I stand in front of thirty students and cover a story or poem by Langston Hughes and tell them that he is Asian, I am the one responsible for misleading those children. I have to accept that, just as he has to accept the damage done by his actions.
OK, back to the death penalty....Maybe the man shouldn't be killed. Maybe he can do more good alive than dead. The man is manipulative though. If he got thousands of people to follow him into a gang and murder others, steal from others, initiate others, then how do we know he isn't trying to manipulate the public now? How do we know that he is truly sorry for what he has done? How do you know that he wouldn't do it all over again? We don't. Because I don't believe in the death penalty, I don't want him executed. On the other hand, I believe the man is guilty and was sentenced to death. That was his punishment, so let him be executed. I think if we are going to rally, let's rally for the abolishment of the death penalty period, not just in this one case. One of my friends said we have to start somewhere and maybe this case will set precedent. Possibly.
Unfortunately, this is not my decision to make and will be left up to Governor Terminator.

Unconscious Mutterings

2005-12-01T11:51:00.000-06:00

Stuffed:: animal
Armstrong:: louis
Bruise:: lips
Content:: happy people
Musical:: instrument
Assistance:: ship, fellowship
Scrambling:: scramble
Battle:: of the sexes (The Guantlet)
Extended:: stay america
Discount:: prices (TJMAXX and Marshall's)

Basics

2005-11-20T21:56:00.000-06:00

I finally got my braids!!! They are sooo cute! I feel like a totally different person.

I met my advisor at MC. He seemed nice enough. We picked my classes for the Spring. I'm taking a seminar and a literature and film course. This will be a new experience coming from an all black school and going into an ocean of whiteness. I'm ready. I hear it's challenging, but I am always up for a good challenge.

I spent all day Saturday with my family. My daddy went shopping with us because he didn't want to be around my uncles and all that smoke. My mommy bought me a new Gucci bag and gave $50. She must love me. My granny gave me some money, too. I got a new pair of boots and treated my parents to breakfast this morning, even though my momma didn't call me yesterday for breakfast. I had so much fun with my aunts and granny. It's just good to be around people who know you and who you don't have to put up a front around. It's good to be called Nik. Warms my heart!

Thanksgiving is fast approaching and I have no idea how I want to spend it. I want to go home; I just wish I could ride with someone. I am so tired of driving. I wanna go to Memphis too, but if I do, then I am guaranteed to drive. So, that's out of the question. We will see.

Oh yeah! I started a poetry blog. Check out the link to the side.

Adios muchachos!

TA-DA, I'M HEA!

2005-11-11T20:13:00.000-06:00

WAHunter says I need to post, so here goes.......

What have I been up lately? Everything and nothing. I still have not enrolled in school, though I have been accepted and plan on going in January. I am going to take two classes, hopefully I can find a special topics on an African American writer. One of the main reasons I want to go to school so bad right now is because I have no friends here. Well, that's not true. I have no one to go to lunch with and discuss everything under the sun. I miss that. When I was at Tougaloo, my friends and I ate out at least twice a week. I don't have that anymore. I need some friends friends. Maybe I will find someone to date, but I really just want a friend around. I have a close friend here, but she is married and doing the couple thing. There is another ex-friend, but sometimes I just don't want to be bothered with her. I need a home girl.

Next......I went through a rough few weeks with this one particular person, for absolutely no reason. I got all giddy, like a school girl with a crush and it didn't work the way I wanted it to. Everything happens for a reason. I just hate that this happened, whatever the reason behind it may be. I really liked this fella. I told somebody I think he is my soul mate. (I have told all my friends that since I was 15.) She replied, I don't think he is your soul mate, just the closest person to your soul. That was different. Something to think about. I promise I use to be able to see myself with this boy, carrying his babies, taking vacations, all dat. He is the only one I have ever been psycho over. I mean really psycho, ghetto girl, VCarter-psycho over. I don't know; it's just something about him.

OK....I am working on my walk with the Lord. I find myself praying and reading more. I still trouble with "Thy will be done" because I just want to pray for what I want. I know God has a plan and what I want might not be what I need, but I have trouble accepting that. Yet, I still pray that His will be done. I just also have to pray that I have stregnth to accept it and handle it. I guess I should pray the prayer of serenity. I had to pray about the afore mentioned guy. I had to pray about this school thing too because I don't know if He wants me to go to school right now. I hope so.

Change......I am really going to do this natural thing. I hadn't had a perm since September and my hair is THIIIIIICK, especially in the middle. I am going home tomorrow to get my hair microed. My butt is going to hurt. I am going to take a book home, though I don't have a good one to read. I told everyone I want books for Christmas since Katrina got all mine. I'm ready. I can do it. I'm so excited. I have been telling everybody. I know they think I'm crazy. All of my friends, except KHallmon, told me not to do it. VMH says go ahead, but I know she doubts my stregnth. She says I'm going to miss my 'shAKAble' hair. I told her I hadn't had hair like that since graduation. Every guy I have ever dated except TYJ told me don't do it. I'm gone do it. I just hope its cute.

Today's Thoughts

2005-11-01T17:33:00.000-06:00

WOW! What a day! Today was lonnnnnnnnnnnnng. I worked pretty hard. I had a little boy threaten to "wait on me to go to my car. Beat me up, and throw me in the ditch." UnFREAKINGbelievable. Manohman. In after school tutoring, the kids are still pretesting. It's wearing them down and they don't want to do it anymore. I must say that I don't blame them. They have been pretesting for the last four weeks and no one has given them any feedback on how they are doing. They see it as busy work and just mark answers so they don't have to look it anymore.

Good news...I got into school! Go me! I start in January, but I have no idea what I want to take. At this point, it really doesn't matter. I am just glad to be accepted. I wish they had an Africana Studies program, but they don't. I'm going to just do English. I just feel like I need to be in school somewhere. Another part of me thinks differently. I have been offered the same job three times. The only difference is the classroom. That might be a sign. I hope not because I am going to ignore it.

I am serious about this natural thing. My brother has his hair twisted. My favorite character in KH's book has her hair natural. Ranada is getting hers pressed. I really want to do this. I tried to do it this summer but didn't have the will-power. (Four months were three months too long!)I am going to try it again. I think I am ready this time. I have to call this lady back tonight to see if she can micro my hair. I want to keep it braided until it grows out long enough to twist. I really wanna do this. I called my mom last weekend and asked her would she press it for during Christmas. (I'm thinking ahead here.) That's how long I want to have my hair braided. I figure I can keep the braids until then, get it pressed and clipped so that it can breathe and maintain its healthy state, then get it rebraided. After those come out, I oughta be able to cut it off. We shall see.

OK, I have to go to the dorm now.

Tired

2005-10-30T17:02:00.000-06:00

WOW! This has been a long week. I've been working 17 hour days. I have just felt drained. I was at Brinkley from 730-5, then TC from 5-12. I just felt drained. I am working really hard so that I can afford to go to school in January. Recently, someone offered to help me a great deal and I plan on accepting it, but I don't want to just expect it then not work to get it myself. This person has proved reliable in the past, but you just never know. I would hate not to be able to go to school because I put my faith in someone else's hands.

I have a new neice! Hooray! Her name is Kayden Adrianna and she's beautiful. She's a little darkie too. She's going to be about my color, if not darker. I'm not dark, but that is dark for her bc she's biracial. She's so pretty though. I cannot wait to watch her and Madison grow up together. The only thing is, I will just get glimpses into their lives because I plan on moving far away. The destination is unknown; I just know that I am leaving.

My best friend and I said when we turned 25, we were moving out of the south. I love the south, every aspect of it. I love the Southern drawl (that is so prevalent in my father's speech), the soul food, the hospitality, and sense of family. I love it here. I just think it's time for a change. I also need to go somewhere else for school. I don't want my resume to seem limited, so I am going North.

I will be glad when this other tutoring program comes through. It will give me a chance to breathe. If it doesn't come through, I will be glad when I get back in school. Both of them will make my life a lot easier. I can start back resting. Until then, I will continue working long hours. I need to go now because I need to figure out what I will wear to work tomorrow.

Be blessed and remember that you are highly favored.

Obedience is better than sacrifice.

2005-10-19T23:08:00.000-05:00

I really need to learn how to be obedient, on so many levels. I would not be in the situations I am currently in if I would merely listen to what God is trying to tell me and actually obey his word.

I am glad that doors keep opening for me career-wise, but things would be so much better had I merely obeyed God's will. I left my job because Ashley wasn't happy. I convinced myself that I needed to be somewhere else to be fulfilled. I had that the-grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side mentality. Boy, was I wrong. I went to Homecoming was overwhelmed with love. As I listened to my children tell me what was new in their lives, I couldn't help but wish I could be there to experience it firsthand with them. I chose to walk away because of circumstances beyond my control. Walking away took away the circumstances within my control. I could no longer be that tree planted by God to bear positive fruits in that environment. In my head, I could bear those same fruits somewhere else. Every tree cannot bear fruit in every climate.

In spite of my disobedience, God continues to bless me, though I do not deserve it. He keeps on opening doors to allow me to get back to that climate and environment. When I finally get there, I will be better equipped for the occasional inclement weather. My fruits will continue to blossom despite the circumstances and I can enhance and uplift those beautiful minds that are continuing to develop without me.

I know this seems simple, but I have to obey God's will healthwise as well. God has given me a strict diet and I am not following it. I kept praying and telling God I wanted to "get sexy" and lose weight; yet when he told me what to do, I chose to do it on my terms. I have to listen. I have to put Ashley aside and know that I will be ok. When times get hard (and they will) I just have to stop and thank him. I know things will be better. I just need some faith and obediance in my life.

REFLECTIONS

2005-10-11T20:36:00.000-05:00

I just left a filmography about activism and the recent events that have rocked and are rocking our nation. There was a great film on AIDS and homosexual men. (I realize there are lesbians, but this was about men.) The point was that it doesn't matter if you are in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship; you should still protect yourself because you honestly, no matter how much you think you do, do not know who your partner is sleeping with, rather that partner is husband, boyfriend, fuckbuddy, whateva. Very informative, but....

The one that really touched my heart was one on Hurricane Katrina. There were no words, just pictures. (It was kinda like the exhibit on lynchings throughout the south.) People were literally struggling for their lives. I know we all know this, but it's just...DAMN. My heart is still pounding and I saw it ten minutes ago. I went home Saturday and people are still living in tents. The hotels are booked. Apartments are flooded. Family homes are crowded. There is really nowhere to go. I thank God for FEMA, Red Cross, and Salvation Army, but it really isn't enough. The nation has been extremely generous, but these people have no homes. Thanks for the clothes. Thanks for the shoes. Thanks for the food. Thanks for the EBT cards. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. But, where do we put the clothes? Where do we cook the food? Where do we wipe our asses? People keep saying, "I'll pray for you." Thank you for the prayers, but we still need somewhere to lay our heads at night. FEMA keeps saying trailors are coming. Trailors are coming. WHEN? My granny has a trailor in her yard right now, but it's not hooked up. You can't flush the toilet. There isn't any power. It's been a month. At least she has one though. My sister is still waiting on hers.

The messed up thing is that the county is trying to buy (take) people's land. Why kick someone when they are already down. I understand people should stay current on their taxes, but goodness, they don't have shit left except the land. They need that to put the damn trailors (that are coming) on. People, certain people (for lack of a better word)are a trip. They keep telling these people, my people, my parents included, that the house is no good and the best thing to do is sell and move somewhere else. The sheetrock is garbage, but the frame and foundation are good. We can't afford to fix it now, but we will. That house belonged to my great-great grandma. My moma was raised there. It has gone from a four room house to a five bed-room, two bathroom home. Six generations share memories in that house, good, bad, and ugly. No matter how much you offer, you can't afford our memories.

Don't get me wrong. My family is fine. There are 11 people in my house, but we are fine. We aren't needing for anything. We are the lucky ones. I promise I won't complain about the house being flooded and losing everything. I promise I won't, but I feel the pain of those who have no other family and nowhere to go. No one on the coast should be complaining about not having a job because everywhere I went had NOW HIRING signs posted. It's so sad. So many people have just moved. I don't blame them. Why rebuild when the same thing could happen next year? It's weird though. You find yourself asking how so-and-so are doing, only to be told that they have moved. People have just left the coast. It's one thing to leave by choice, but when you are forced to leave home, it's different. I hate to see home in such despair. People have just lost hope.

I can only talk about the people in my town. These are the people I grew up watching, mimicking, admiring, loving. The people in non-existant Waveland are much worse. Pass Christian is suffering. New Orleans is just....I don't even have a word.
We will get better and we will rebuild into something better. It's just going to take time. Keep praying. Whatever you can send to your local organizations, do it. People really need it.

Just a few

2005-10-07T15:43:00.000-05:00

Today was a thoroughly enjoyable day. The children were really well-behaved, shows they have some structure somewhere in their lives. For lunch, I had a fattening hamburger and fries. It was actually pretty good, but I planned on having that for dinner. I have been doing so well this week with excercise and diet. I'm pretty proud of self.

I am going home tomorrow because that sister of mine just had a beautiful baby girl who will go by Brooklyn, much to my dismay. I cannot wait to hold her tiny self in my hands. She looks just like her mommy. It's almost amazing because rarely do we see babies with forreal facial features. Her face is so defined. Ooh, she looks just like her mommy. Hopefully, while I am there Aubrey will go into labor. That will save me a trip, but how likely are the cosmos to favor me that much? We shall see.

I have recently been conversing with two young men that I once loved very deeply, at the same time. It's quite perturbing that they are attempting to walk back into my life at the same time. One of them caused me so much and pain, and I him; the other, it just never seemed to work out in our favor. Erykah Badu's "Next Lifetime" seems to be our ballad of circumstance. I really don't think either of them will pan out, but the game is quite interesting.

Am I really ready to settle down? I used to tell myself (and everyone who would listen) I would be married and carrying my first child at 25. If all that happens now, I will be completely shocked and amazed. I am 23 with no hopes of a husband. I don't even have a boyfriend. I think I am ready though. I am waiting on that "one right man to save the day, wrap me in his arms, and take me away." (TRINA) He's hard to find. I need him to be doing things and going places. I need him to want more. I need him to appreciate my inner and outer beauty and fortify my deepest weaknesses. I need him to be my column when my legs feel enervated. I need him to stimulate my mind as well as my senses. I need him to be able to lead and follow intense conversations as well as idle chatter. Shit sounds simple, but it's not.

There were other things on my mind, but my mind has gone in a direction I did not want it to go, so I will just stop while I am ahead.

Today's dirt

2005-10-06T14:32:00.000-05:00

1. Tell me what you're thinking of? I am wondering what I need to do in order for my old comments to show up.
2. What are you worrying about? why this particular person is e-mailing me and is calling worth the effort
3. What are you planning to do in 5hrs time? go work out in an hour and half, after that, relax
4. Are you dying to tell someone you love 'em? yes, but i'm not sure he feels the same way
5. Are you horny? not at all, just confused

Newfound Respect

2005-10-06T13:38:00.000-05:00

Man, yesterday was so tiring! I got up and walked my mile,(yes, I am still excercising!) showered, got dressed, and headed to work! (Go, Me!) Those kids (not children) were so daggone bad. I wanted to scream. Never in my life have I witnessed children behaving (or misbehaving) in that manner. They were so disobedient. All they did was talk,talk,talk. They didn't call me out of my name or talk back; they just didn't listen. The last block was pretty good, though. We almost finished the assignment. A couple of them got out of hand, but not really. Yesterday, I really felt like talking about it, but now I don't. Just know that it was horrible.

Unconscious Mutterings

2005-09-30T15:29:00.000-05:00

Crave::ice cream, prelines and cream
Whole package:: total package. can't seem to find it
Roommates:: never had 'em
5:30:: charm's on
Lesbian:: lover
Poignant:: GRE
Hurtful:: tired of it
You and I:: will never last
Grateful:: for everything
Giggle:: goofy girl

Falling into place

2005-09-30T14:53:00.000-05:00

About three months ago I was really depressed about not having a job. I cried incessantly; it seemed like nothing was going my way. My granny had a stroke; one of my friends' father died. It just seemed like everything was falling apart; it's weird, but I felt like someone was about to die in my family. I don't know why, but I did. My mom has premonitions (scary huh) so I thought I was having one, too. I was really being paranoid. We are all alive and well, even post-Katrina.

So anyway, depressed, I called Dr. Jackson, mainly because I didn't want her to call me and I have to give her bad news. It just seemed better for me to call her. I called, told her my situation, and prayed for a miracle. She instructed me to call PScott because she heard there was an opening in his department. I did. There wasn't. However, he called me the next day because there was an opening in another department. I talked to Mr. Jones and he told me he needed me. I went to get my hair done (couln't go back to my Alma Mater with my hair looking a hot flaming mess. I was trying to grow my perm out for dreds!!! Imagine that.)and packed. The next morning I was headed up 49. I got settled in and started working.

I put in some more applications, never got a call back. I decided to be proactive and made some calls on my own. I finally got the position I was hoping for. Well, I called my uncle because his friend is a middle school principal and told him to call his friend and tell him about me. He did. (I love that man.) This afternoon I went to meet with the principal and he offered me another job, working half the time of the position I was trying to get, but making double. God is really good.

Everything just seems to be falling into place. I am going to school in January and I will have enough money to pay for it. I just didn't want any loans. With this new job, I will have the checks directly deposited into my savings account so that when Jan. rolls around I will have it. I am too thrilled. I'm excited. I really am. God is blessing me. Sometimes He has to remove you from where you are to take you higher. I just didn't understand what was going on in my life. I felt like the education system was working against. Now I am back in the game. I am making what I made teaching, but now I don't have any bills. I'm blessed.

Trying To Get Right

2005-09-28T12:51:00.000-05:00

I am really trying to handle my business and get into school. I turned in all of my paperwork for MC Friday. I should be hearing back from them rather soon. I need a MA in English. Dr. Jackson is trying to get me to go to PennState next fall. I would really like to go, but not next fall. I am determined not to pay the state back for that loan. That means teaching in the fall in Mississippi. It is what it is. I can wait. Maybe I will try that for my Ph.D.

I spent two hours last night defining the words on for the GRE. That vocab kicked my buttocks. I did better on the math than I did on the verbal. What kind of mess is that? I just wasn't familiar with the terminology, so I am working on that as of now. My goal is to take the test by November 1. That should be enough time. I need some practice with the math, too but I don't know anyone who could help me on that. I'll work it out though. I wish I would have cared more when I was in undergrad because then I would have been surrounded with help.

I am trying to get right spiritually. I promised myself that I would go to church evevery Sunday, somewhere. I am reading one chapter of the Bible per day. Right now I am reading from I Samuel. I have to call my pastor later because I am confused about something. In the previous chapter, Samuel mourned the death of Saul, now Saul is alive and has an evil spirit of the Lord in him. ???? Since when did God put evil spirits in people? And why is Saul alive? We will work it out tonight.

That's about it.

2005-09-21T14:57:00.000-05:00

Ya'll another storm is in the Gulf. She goes by the name of Rita. This is too much. It's weird because all of those people that were evacuated from New Orleans went to Houston and that's where Rita is headed. If I believed in signs, this would definitely be one of those that would scare the heck out of me. My fam is superparanoid and my sister is talking about getting a u-haul to put her new things in. She said she can't handle losing her stuff again. She just bought new living room and bedroom sets. I love that kid! Her hormones are prolly getting the best of her. She is carrying my new neice.

I am sitting here waiting on this meeting to start and they are talking about gas lines. I am not going to get in those long lines.

My friends are writing books! They are doing big things. I am so proud of them. It's weird because they asked me to proof them. ME! Li'l ole me. I'm the genius. They have faith in me. I feel good.

They are still talking about the gas lines.

I need to go to grad school. I am thinking about Mississippi College. I need to have my Master's by the time I turn 25 because my bff and I are moving that following August. We have no idea where, we just know we are leaving the South.

MEETING TIME....TTYL

Second Time Around

2005-09-21T01:36:00.000-05:00

I use to be his everything: his hunny, his best friend, his Miss Pretty Lady.
My world revolved around him: his smile, his arms, his touch.
It was all about us: our plans, our happiness, our 'us.'
Him, Me, Together, Forever.

Then something went terribly wrong: the lies, the cheating, the broken hearts.
We tried to forgive: for the hoe, for the athlete, for youth.
It was about me. It was about him. No ous. No our.
Him? Me? Together? Never.

Now we're starting over: laughing, dating, conversing.
We listen intently to these new people: his stories, her philosophies, their hearts.
We try to decifer where this is going: games, love, keeps?
Him? Me? Together? Forever?

Somehow, times have changed: a lifetime of growth, an era of honesty, an eternity of
us.
We compliment each other:his sun to my moon, my yin to his yang, my pink to
his green.
It is all about us: our communication, our loyalty, our us.
USTOGETHERFOREVER

For seconds
For keeps
For love
For us.

The Baddest B***H

2005-09-20T15:13:00.000-05:00

Katrina was something serious. I cannot believe she did as much damage as she did. I guess Trina wasn't kidding when she titled her first album what she did. I have been meaning to post; I just haven't had computer access.Anyway, here goes...

We left home the Sunday before she hit. I was tripping because KHallmon hadn't called and overreacted about the storm. Once I made it to Jackson, I called her, asked her if she had been watching the news, laughed at her hystricalness (is that a word?), and went on with the conversation. It's hard for us to stay on topic because we are both ADD. She complained about the gas lines and I filled her in on my latest drama with the opposite sex.

Sunday came and went. I called all my friends who were still on the coast and talked to them. I begged one of my friends to come to Jackson because she has a newborn.( I had already reserved her a hotel room.) I called one of my other friends and laughed at her because she had to stay on storm duty. (She works for MS Power in the accounting department. She's awesome.) I told her if it really got bad those people were going to beat her up and take the little rations she has because she is barely five feet tall and a size 6. She laughed and made some smart comment. We were really joking, never imagining it would really come down to her handing out rations.

Monday came. I woke up at 6, called my buddies to check on them. The only one I got to talk to was Ash. I asked her was she ready to hand out food and told her where the storm was. She told me it was really windy, but there wasn't much rain. Their power had gone out a few hours before, but her grandmother's power had gone out Sunday. She was complaining about it being hot and I told her she should have just left. It wasn't like she would really have to hand out food. We talked a few more minutes bc she needed to conserve power on her cell. I said ok and promised to call back in two hours because the worst part would have passed by then. I called back in those two hours and did not get an answer. WEIRD. No big deal, I would call later.

A few more hours passed and it started getting dark in Jackson. The rain was beating on my window. I gave my neice a bowl of cereal, called my folks, called the hotel, went to get something to eat, then checked into the hotel. I had to drive all the way to the end of County Line to Krystal's because everything was closed. I was now panicking. This is crazy. My family finally came to the hotel. We talked a little bit, tried to call home, and sat glued to the television. There was really no feed from Katrina. The weather channel had a little, but nothing major, just the wind speed.

I went back to the school, checked the dorm, showered, and got in the bed. I was watching something and talking to TYJ when the phone went dead. WTH? It ain't even cordless. Then the power went out. It's late, I'm in here by myself, there's no power, I'm leaving. I packed an overnight bag and got ready to go the hotel. I walked outside and changed my mind. The wind was horrible. I tried to call my sister to tell her I wasn't coming back because it was too dark, but our phones weren't working. I had to text her. She texted me back and called me a scaredy cat. I didn't care;I wasn't leaving.

Finally, on Tuesday, we saw some footage of New Orleans. There were thousands of people in the SuperDome and it's roof was leaking. Later, we learned that the levees were broke in New Orleans and the city was underwater. It was just a matter of time before that happened. The dag on town is already below sealevel. We saw all of those people trapped and wondered what was going to happen. We never dreamed that it would take days, almost a week to get all of those people out. We bitched and complained about the gov'mt not at least dropping them food. Hell, we bombed and fed Bagdad at the same time.

On Tuesday night, we saw the first footage of Mississippi. We could not believe the coast looked the way it did. Casinos were scattered. One was in the middle of highway 90, another was on top of a hotel, another only had a sign, and the entire front and first 2 floors of the Beau Rivage were gone. Then we saw Pascagoula. The entire beach was just fucked. Houses were now foundations. There were roofs across the streets and around the corners. People's keepsakes were found blocks away. And in the midst of all that the Jehovah Witness Temple looked normal.

One of my great-uncles called my uncle and told him to come get him. We laughed because that was all we could do. My uncle, 2 aunts, grandmother, and great-grandmother were stuck in the church that one of my aunt's husband pastors. They had a limited amount of food and were on the second floor of the church because the entire first floor was flooded. My mom, her oldest sister, and brother started fussing bc my grandmothers stayed there. That was when we first realized the severity of this storm. We couldn't call home, but they could call us. Text messaging worked, too so everyone was texting everyone. Texting and praying texting and laughing texting and praying. Someone sent my godbrother a text that bodies were floating down Market Street and we about died. She then wrote him back and told him they were from the graveyard and whole caskets were floating. What a relief. All I could think was thank God my grandma ain't buried over there. News kept pouring in. Two entire families on the beach were dead. Mr. Pickett and his family had to be rescued from their house. Tiffany almost had a heartache and started panicking when the water came in. Jeremy's grandmother had to be rescued out of a tree. They just kept coming.

Finally, we were able to contact everyone and all of my mom's family was accounted for. I had no idea what was going on with my father's family. On Thursday, my mom and her oldest sister went to Wal-Mart and stocked up on food to take home to the rest of my family. I really did not want them to go, but my moma was worried about my grannies. They went home Thursday and my sister, neice, and I went Saturday, alond with my uncle and his family. I was not ready for what I saw. I had been glued to the TV since Monday, but what I saw did not compare to what I stood in the middle of. Pascagoula was destroyed. St. Peters was all the way gone. My sister's house had a water line at least 4 ft high and everything had to be disposed of. I mean everything from the refrigerator to stuffed frogs. It was gone. Mold was in the sheet rock. The TVs were soaked, everything just gone. I went to my brother's house and his things were floating outside his house. WTH? I went home and saw the carporch on my sister's car. The dog was shell-shocked. He didn't even bark. Everything ruined.

I was worried sick about my dad because I had no idea where he was. I went by both of his sisters' houses and I knew they were ok because all of their things were outside of their homes. I went by my grandfather's house and I would have thought he lived somewhere else because absolutely nothing was wrong with his house, not even a missing shingle. He told me everyone was ok, even my uncle John, who lives in New Orleans. He had gone to Florida before the storm hit. He told me my aunts lost everything, but I already knew that. I went to my sister's and tried to help clean up, but I was too shocked. I lost my AKA album that Ranada made me and my frog that my sister bought me for probate. I should have taken those things with me. Of course I lost all of my furniture, but those things were keepsakes.

It's ok though. Now we rebuild. The house has been cleaned out. The insurance company and FEMA have been by and we are ready to start over. It's going to take a while, but we will be ok. We have our health and a complete family. A lot of people can't say that. I volunteered at the Red Cross for four hours. I prolly should have done more, but... I wanted to call the hotline and donate some money, but my best friend went off on me and told me if I wanted to donate something, donate to my moma! Good point. We are ok though. We didn't lose our lives. We lost a lot of possessions though. It's going to be ok. No more tears. Thank God. He had his way.

Be blessed.

Unconsious Mutterings

2005-08-25T15:23:00.000-05:00

Fan:: belt
Scum:: jailbird
Lily:: of the valley
Humid:: humidity
Ghetto:: fabulous
Remember me?:: please do
Polished:: nails
Compose:: yourself
Squish::the bullshit
Future:: optimistic

I am having the absolute worst day. Things just keep happening to the people I love the most. I think the worst is about to happen. That's why I wanted to stay home so bad. I'm here now though and everything happens for a reason. I pray to God for the people goign through their issues. I'm doing my best to maintain strong for them, but right now I just feel like crying. I need a shoulder to cry on, but my friends are hours away. It's ok though. I won't cry because that won't make anything better. I'm grown and can handle this. (yeah right, since when does being grown mean you can handle things?)

ASHLEY NICOLE

2005-05-16T16:05:00.000-05:00

Someone asked me to describe myself beyond the physical. I got about four words, then I go stumped, so now I am taking the time to think about it. I came up with 22 adjectives, because I am twenty-two.
Bitchy
Black
Confident
Confused
Content
Cool
Cute
Driven
Fickle
Giving
Goofy
Impatient
Inconsiderate
Independent
Intelligent
Racist (Pro-Black may have been a better choice)
Reserved
Romantic
Self-conscious
Sensual
Sexual
Weak

From Anne Frank

2005-05-11T12:12:00.000-05:00

I know it's terrible, trying to have faith...when people are doing such horrible...But you know what I think? I think the world may be going through a phase...It'll pass...but some day...I still believe. In spite of everything, that people are really good at heart.

I'm trying hard to hold on to the words of this child.

2005-04-12T18:03:00.000-05:00

It's funny how things have a way of working themselves out. A week ago, I was really stressing over how my relationship was evolving. Now, I don't even have a relationship to trip over.
Blair and I are friends. In his words, "tea and crumpettes, no sex." That's fine with me. He called me a few hours after I wrote my last entry. I was baking brownies with Keith, so of course I had to call him back. I called back 4-5 hours later. He was a bit jealous and overreacted. I didn't tell him Keith was at my house. He just assumed someone else is getting my time. I don't like Keith, and Keith and Blair both know that.
Anyway, he called me back a little later and told me it would be better if we stopped talking. I was sleepy, had to be at work in a few hours; so I said Ok and goodnight. The next day, the reality of the situation hit me because he didn't call that morning. He either wakes me up or calls on my way to work. I called back to get an explanation, but he didn't answer, which really hurt my feelings. He called back yesterday, which was exactly one week later.
He says he wants me to consider why I am making these career changes. He wants me to make sure I am doing what is best for me and not making him a factor. I think its pretty arrogant and egotistical, but he may have had a point. I was considering leaving anyway, being closer to him was just an added bonus. If I never see him again, I'm still moving.
I thank him for considering my future, but I wish he would have handled it differently. I'm glad I talked to him though because it made me realize I don't like him as much as I thought I did. I thought I would jump for joy when he called, but I didn't. I thought I would crazy if I didn't talk to him, but I didn't. After day 3 (that long) I was ok.
I like him, but I don't need him. He's cool, but not that important.

overwhelmed

2005-04-04T15:29:00.000-05:00

It seems like death is everywhere. I just wonder when someone close to me will succumb. Not that I am hoping, wishing, or praying, but it just seems like we can't excape it. I think the Terri Schiavo death was actually murder and I don't understand how her husband can be so selfish. I can understand removing the feeding tube if she was completely brain dead, but the woman was conscious and responsive. How can you do such a thing?! Normally, I would say the final decision is left up to the spouse because the Bible says they are one and he is the most important person in her life. However, he has moved on with someone else. If her parents were giving him their blessing and telling him to move on, how can he do that? Personally, if I can't enjoy life, I don't want to be here. Yet, I seriously doubt she told him that. I think he was just being selfish. To make matters worse, he wouldn't allow her sister into the room during those final moments, but his brother was there. WTH? If I am about to die, I would rather have my sister there than my brother-in-law. I understand him not wanting her brother in there bc he was a wreck and the end result would have been police. To put the icing on the cake, he is having the girl cremated. I think he is doing that out of spite, but I could be wrong. I also think had she been in any other state, she wouldn't have gotten this much attention, but she was in Florida and got it.
Then Johnnie Cochran died. That makes you realize how short life is. He wasn't even old. Though I think OJ did it, I applaud Johnnie for getting him off. (Is that crazy) He was one helluva defense attorney. He was one of the few infamous black men I don't mind supporting. He's one of those I prolly should have put in my program.
Then The Pope died. I'm not even Catholic, but I couldn't help but be upset about it. He just seemed like a great man. I will pray for the Catholic church.
Not that he is dead, but Bill Clinton looks a mess. That surgery is killing him. He looks so thin and pale. I hope he gets better. I love that man. I wish I could have had an opportunity to vote for him.

School's almost out. I am not attending Ole Miss. I missed the deadline for the English department. Maybe that's a sign that I should finish these two years and go to law school. I don't know. I have no idea where my life is supposed to go. I'm really feeling this dude and if I am honest with myself, he is a big part of the reason I want to move to Oxford. I don't even know him like that and he is so not my type. I need a reality check. He hasn't done ANYTHING wrong, but in my head, I feel like he is going to hurt me. I should really listen to that little voice; it's usually right on point.
I am so out of the loop with what's going on at my Alma Mater. Well, that's not true. I pretty much know what's going on. It's just a part of me that wishes I was there to share some of the experiences. I wish my sorors luck with the upcoming elections, particularly Miss Tougaloo. I also hope AKA week is on point. It was great last year! Gamma Omicron is awesome!
The social worker talked to the little girl. Well,she talked to herself because my student wasn't very responsive. I know what I want her to do, but I think she should do what makes her happy. I did my part, whether it was my place or not, I did it. I just hope she can move forward. I plan on taking her to Tougaloo with me soon. I just have to figure out when I am going and for what reason.

briefly

2005-03-25T13:49:00.000-06:00

Well, I am applying to for the fall term University of Mississippi. Honestly, I am not too thrilled about it. I know I need to go back to school, but I don't know if I honestly want to. I don't know what I WANT to do, but I do know what I am going to do...go to school and teach.
The social worker hasn't contacted my student yet. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I am just waiting it out. Don't know what's going on. The girl is talking to me now. She still says she needs a counselor. I explained everything that would happen if she got one. She said that's fine. We'll see what happens.

Random

2005-03-17T14:44:00.000-06:00

It's Spring Break and I am too happy to be away from those children. I love what I do, but I really needed this break. Anyway, I think I messed up. I called DHS for one of my students and I know they are about to turn her life upside down and I don't know how she is going to deal with that. I don't know how I am going to deal with that. I did talk the social worker until waiting until Tuesday so that I can have a chance to talk to the little girl Monday when we get back. I think I at least owe to her to let her know that someone will be contacting her and asking her a slew of questions about some information that she has shared only with me. I pray she is able to get through this. I realize it is going to be hard, but I have to keep telling myself I did the right thing, even though everyone around is saying I messed up. I am only looking out for her best interest.

I spent the last 4 days at home with my family. I stayed at my sister's and I enjoyed that. She was the first person I talked to every morning. That was pretty cool. My neice was and still is sick, so I had to take care of the little gumdrop. She just looked sick. I felt so bad for her. I wanted to dope her up and make it go away , but I didn't. My parents are fine. My daddy is still working hard as ever, and my mom is running her therapist office. I am sooo proud of her. That woman is awesome. Where would I be without her? My biological father is about to remarry. I think he is making a mistake, but who am I to tell him that? I think he is marrying her because she is a good woman, not because he loves her.

My life is good. I am still dating Blair (isn't that the cutest name). I like that boy. He is somewhere in Cali right now and I cannot wait until I can see him again. I am thinking about going back to school. Well, if I get in, I am going back. I am still going to teach, but I am moving to a different district. There is no room for growth here and I am tired of my administrators. I love my kids though. They are the best. I am going to miss them if I leave next year. I am saying if like I might not. Even if I don't get into school, I am leaving because this small town is depressing. Anyway, life is good and I hope everyone has a beautiful day.

Late

2005-03-03T11:35:00.000-06:00

I know I am almost a week late, but the Black History Program was great. I was so nervous about it, but it all worked out. The children did exceptionally well. Their costumes were so cute. Phenomenal Woman was by far the best. Ain't I a Woman was cute because everytime she said that part, the children were yelling "Yeah" "Sho'll is". It was so cute. One little girl stumbled on Ain't That Bad. She got nervous, but if you didn't know the poem, you would know she didn't do half of it. She had the attitude at first, then she clammed. I didn't know what to do about a backdrop since I had to cut the skit. I figured I would use black, green, and red paper and put somee siluoettes on it. I didn't have any red, so I used yellow. I know those are somebody's colors, just don't know whose. Then one of my co-workers made a banner. It read "Celebrating Black Headliners and Legends" because that was the theme. It was wonderful. I was elated. I love these children. I am going to hate not seeing them next year.

Everything else is good. I am still dating the guy in Memphis. I like that boy. I gave my parents $1000 when I got my income tax check. That felt really good. I paid my tithes too. I need to buy a washer and dryer and I will be satisfied. I also need to start looking for a summer job.

Unconscious Mutterings

2005-03-03T09:35:00.000-06:00

Seems like my head is in my work:

You’ve got a friend:: in me
Immigration:: The New Colossus (poem my kids and I just read)
Waitress:: o charley's (which is quickly becoming my new fav)
Snickers:: bar
Recognize:: my intellect
Concept:: of what
Birthday:: party
Told you so:: don't want to hear that
Unlikely:: that i will be here next year
Extension:: on your homework

Black History Program

2005-02-25T07:44:00.000-06:00

I am about to do this black history program and I am praying it goes well. I have people acting the parts of Colin Powell, Condy Rice, MLK, Malcolm X, Micheal Jordan, Thurgood Marshall, LBJ, Kennedy, Rosa Parks, Althea Gibson, Marian Anderson, Eleonor Roosevelt, and Carol Moseley-Braun and a few more. I have poems by Angelou and Hughes. Someone is doing "Ain't I a Woman." For her to be in the 8th grade, she's bad! As is the girl doing Ain't That Bad. I'm excited and nervous. Oh well, go for what I know.

I'll post after it's over.

Angry Black Woman Quiz

2005-02-22T16:13:00.000-06:00

You are a Curse-You-Out-in-a-Heartbeat Angry Black Woman... Let's get ready to rumble! This ABW is no joke. Sistah girl is like a world-class boxer who will pummel those who would dare spar with her. Always on high alert of any little slight, real or imagined, this ABW has been known to knock out opponents with a blistering combination of body blows (comments about victims' physical appearance) and the crowd favorite, the below-the-belt blow (remarks about home life or sexual prowess). Most opponents don't last the second round and are often left in tears, catatonic states of shock, mouths agape in front of sell-out crowds. FAMOUS ABWs: Aunt Esther from SANFORD AND SON, Mary J. Blige, Mo'Nique

I am really not this bad, though i do tend to get moody rather quickly.

Memphis, Tenn

2005-02-22T07:42:00.000-06:00

I had a wonderful weekend. I went to see my friend and this guy that I really like. I missed my friend. We shopped, ate, shopped, and ate some more. We douoble-dated and had intentions on going to this place called J. Alexander's, but the wait was 40 minutes and no one wanted to wait. I was thinking to myself anywhere good you go on a Studay night is going to have a wait, but no one listened to me. So then we went to Bahama Breeze (i think) and the wait there was an hour and half. I told them, so we ended up at Olive Garden, which wasn't so bad. Then we just kind of hung out.
I really like this guy, even though we had our first fight Monday night. I think I was right, though I also think we were both being a bit stubborn. He kept trying to get me to stop on the highway. I wouldn't. He tried from Hernando to Batesville, then I finally stopped. I was so in bitch mode. Anyway, all is well now. I'm really feeling him, but we all know how that goes. I have written in this thing about so many guys and they never seem to work out. Well, anyway, the bell rang and I must teach these beautiful minds.
Have a blessed day everybody.

I Am

2005-02-14T15:47:00.000-06:00

Today, I made my students do a bio-poem. It was titled I Am and had several introductory phrases. They were to complete them as they saw fit. I was really impressed and think I am going to put them on the bullentin board outside the hallway. They were so deep. They talked about their hopes, aspirations, fears, everything. Anyway, here is mine....

I am Ashley Nicole.
I wonder what my purpose in life is.
I hear the soft voicces of my intelligent students.
I see the struggle they are going through.
I worry about their futures.
I want each of them to be successful and happy.

I pretend I am somewhere else, somewhere perfect.
I feel like I need to be doing more.
I touch lives on a daily basis.
I cry when I can't solve their problems.
I am their teacher, role model, their light.

I understand some things are beyond my control.
I say this is only temporary.
I dream of college graduations.
I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I am a teacher.

This exact moment

2005-02-09T15:36:00.000-06:00

So much has happened, but so little is important. My brother is fine, at home, enjoying his girlfriend and son. My sister and her boyfriend are getting closer. My neice as wonderful as ever. She was in a ball Saturday. She was a flower girl. Instead of dropping the flowers, she was daintily placing them on the floor. Gotta love her. My parents are great. My mom's therapist office is coming along smoothly. I haven't talked to my step-brother prolly since I last wrote in this thing. My friends are happy. All of them! Thank God. Everytime we talk, we are playing catch-up. I guess that's part of being for real grown. ;) Everything in their lives is good. I co-chaired a beauty pageant Friday. It turned out beautifully, better than I thought. My number 08 came and judged, so that was good. It was good seeing her. She looked so nice in her green suit. Her hair was flawless, as usual. It was good just to sit and laugh. One of my great-aunts celebrated her 50th birthday Saturday. Her party was so nice. It's good to know that people care enough to come spend their Saturday night with you to celebrate your happiness and accomplishments. My mom's oldest sister moved into her house about 2 weeks ago and threw the bomb superbowl party. Her house is comfortable, but immaculate. That's a rarity. Everyone was just relaxed and enjoying each other's company. Never mind that the house isn't even a month old. It was nice. Church was so moving that I went to two services Sunday. I just missed being that comfortable in church. I don't get that here. Like I said though, life is good. I thank God for where I am at this exact moment.

PANTHERETTES

2005-01-14T15:02:00.000-06:00

Today was a good day! The students on the dance team gave my co-worker and I a surprise party! I was too shocked and elated. I knew they were up to something because they kept coming by my room. Anyway, the secretary called us both to the office to talk about this program we are having as fund-raiser for our girls. She just did that the girls could get in my room. Anyway, I walked back to my room and told one of hte janitors that the girls were plotting. As I turned the key and opened the door, they all jumped out and yelled surprise. They presented us with cake and plaques. They also had chips and hotdogs. That was sweet. I have to go now.