Incidents in the life of.....

Friday, January 30, 2004

AMAZING
It's amazing that after months of knowing I need to let go, I finally found the stregnth to do exactly that last night. It had been weighing heavily on my mind all day. He had been weighing heavily on my mind for months, slowly tearing me down. It's amazing how we know better but don't do better. It would be nice to say that I was naive, but was I really. The signs were there; I just chose to ignore them. Then God gave me the stregnth. It's amazing how we pray for things that we really don't want. I was praying for stregnth, but I don't think I really wanted it. Last night, I got it. Be careful for what you pray for because you just might get it. It was painful, but needed. I wanted to let go. I cannot keep torturing myself like I have been doing. I only wish I knew why I have such difficulty letting go. I really do not know. I cried last night, I know for at least a solid hour. Yeah I was in pain, but the crying was cathartic. The pain was slowing seeping out of my body. Sometimes all we really need is a good cry.
I have always heard that there is a thin line between love and hate. I did not fully understand it until hours ago. Amazingly, all the love I felt turned to hate in a matter of minutes. I know it's wrong, and I really am going to pray about it. But that is how I feel. I have never felt so much anger and disgust before in my life. I know it is not healthy and I know this person does not deserve all the time, energy, and effort that goes in to hating a person, but he is definitely getting it. Honestly, he didn't deserve me. I am not trying to be arrogant, but I know he will never as long as he lives find someone to put up with as much shit as I did and still love him. He won't. It's impossible. Last night for a breif second I actually wanted him to fall off the building. I caught myself though. I prayed about that one. I don't really want anything bad to happen to him, but I just want him out of my life. He is out of my life. There is no reason for communicating in any shape, form, or fashion. He's history. I am on my way to bigger and better things.

Posted by Nik :: 1/30/2004 :: 0 Comments: